The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

T

(((@mumstheword )))
I am so excited about you being with your 3 grown-up sons all at once!!! What a BLESSING to read!!!

I wanted to stop by to say hello, and let you know that you and your Hunny (and all of your children) ARE in my prayers even though I don't always keep up with your diary.

?You are a special lady of strength, resolve, and MUCH DEEP LOVE!!! I am blessed to be able to "watch" you grow from the closed rosebud into the BEAUTIFUL bloom!!!?

I doubt that you can see your strength like I (we) do. I pray that one day you will be able to accept your beauty in it's fullness. Not your outward appearance, which is quite irrelevant, but the ABSOLUTE beauty of your soul!

You are a ?SWEET MUM?whose children know they are loved! You are alive to be with them for their futures, which was not going to happen if you had stayed with your ex.

The TRUTH is what it is, and it's a story of LOVE, and YOUR relentless fight against ALMOST insurmountable difficulties! Success is in never giving up.

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL, even and ESPECIALLY when you don't FEEL that way!

:hug: @ Lil Mums :hug:

Thank you SO MUCH @AngelkeeperJ ! It is SO LOVELY to be able to share my progress and healing and reconciliation with my children with you! You understand how HUGE it is to be able to spend time with my man-boys!

I actually got to parent ALL of my grown up boys that day as my 2nd born (Autistic) son rang me up twice, as well, AND my youngest (13 yr old) and I had a long and deep and meaningful talk about Jungian psychology, Jordan Peterson and many other interesting and relevant subjects that same evening.

I can't tell you how much JOY and satisfaction it brings me to just to be able to connect with and converse with my children, in such non-superficial and REAL ways, as this!

Your input in my life is very, VERY healing and validating for me, so grateful for your kindness and love, you are a truly LOVE-Filled soul and I am truly touched. Lots of love backachya @AngelkeeperJ ! :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

So, I didn't get to see him, but Jordan Peterson has been in my country and I'M REALLY HEARTENED by this. I also like Dave Rubin and here is something that's going on, in my country, and I'm DELIGHTENED that this happened.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm so glad that you have such good relationships with your kids, Mums. That must be such a comfort to you.

 

[mumstheword]

W

I'm so glad that you have such good relationships with your kids, Mums. That must be such a comfort to you.

Well it's been a VERY uphill battle. I was treated like a pariah, I was accused of all sorts of horrible things, I was shunned and it was deeply heartbreaking. That was a consequence of the degrading slander campaign from the person who treated me like a threat, as if I would do to him what he did to me, which I would NEVER do. I wouldn't lie. I wouldn't try to get his children to despise him. I wouldn't frighten them, but he thought it ok to say things to them that DEEPLY frightened, shamed, hurt and angered and disgusted them and most of those things were LIES and the other things were distortions or cruel things that were things I did as a foolish, lost, permissive and niave autistic teenager.

So YES it's a DEEP comfort that that campaign of hate has lost it's power.
We are lucky we didn't lose any of them to suicide. It has come close, very, scarily, close.

 

[mumstheword]

Today I caught the bus and had lunch with my oldest daughter and 2nd born, Autistic son.
I also bought; a beautiful book to write all my poetry into
Some awesome clothes, boots and shawls and scarfs and a jacket for my daughter, and some beautiful crystal prayer beads with tassels for a stim thing to touch and play with from the op shop (second hand BARGAINS).


And a book by Autralian sex therapist and psychologist Bettina Arndt called #MenToo about the issues that get chanted down (here in Aus, at least) - men's issues. The Red Pill movie was one such chant down, here in Au, it didn't even get watched by the loud, angry, knee jerk feminists that protested so it got banned, no one could host it, for fear of angry, loud, feminists.I didn't get to watch it, and I wanted to, so I'm pissed.
So yeah, I started reading it already. I like her, I've watched her on youtube. She's a good 'un.

It's just GOT to be fair and honest, for me, these days, otherwise, I lose interest and respect.

 

[mumstheword]

 

[mumstheword]

 

[mumstheword]

My op shop obtained prayer/fiddle-y stim crystal beads, I got today :-)

 

[mumstheword]

A couple of funk days.
My guy went up to Brizzy to see his boy and didn't want me to come. I got pretty triggered. Something about not being able to support one of my children when they are being abused by another parent, and really, B is just as much my son, in action anyway, I did more raising of him, this last ten years, than his mean ole mam did. I fed him beautiful food and put a roof over his head throughout high school. I fed him food to make him sprout up to the 6"7 giant besnpole he is now.
I feel.like the channels are more open, between.us now and I feel.like I love him more now, since he copped it so viciously from his mater. he isn't going to be trying to please her and keep me at such arm's length out of loyalty, anymore is my feeling.
His niavety and fawnyness towards his mean ma used to get under my skin, but she's crushed that now.

Anyway, I only realised this morning that my "flatness" of the last couple of days was connected with being left behind, not being invited to go up and be a presence of comfort, as half of the parental unit of me and his dad.
He said I should come up next time though, my guy, that is.

It used to break me up, finding out, after the fact, about my.middle son being in hospital, for broken elbows, elbow surgery or self harm, suicide attempts and major meltdowns. His dad deliberately excluded me, our of spite and fear of me being the parent he, or any or all of them wanted to be with.

It was so, so very, very painful and a powerless position, no parent should EVER be in, especially when they've done nothing but fight for survival, and escape from an abuser to earn such shunning.

 

[mumstheword]

I am doing ok, all things considered. I hate doing myhomeworj for group and have been.really slack with it.
Last week we covered dissociation and, although I didn't do my homework, all the stress with stepson's mum that was going on, plus a bit of some kind of lurgy that made me very, very tired and grumpy and a bit sore throat and nasally, I did make a breakthrough in group. I felt it in the group and ...

I know this because, previously, after every group, I've been very spacey abd depersonalized and yeah, really, really dissociative, so we worked on that in group and guess what?

It didn't happen after group! I was fine. I communicated straight up, to my guy, that I might need a bit of time to ground, but I didn't space out, feel overwhelmed or out of my body at all!

Also, I went to my "adopted mum"/ older Aspie gf's just-her-family-and- me birthday gathering on saturday. I forgot to vote (doh-p! :-/) but I did socialize!

It took a lot out of me, I'm still recovering, that's the downside, but I'm pleased that I made myself go.

My homework this week is about *shudder* shakey sigh " the perpetrator(s)". That's it, I'm getting a pain in my temple just thinking about it and it's late. I'll try cover more tomorrow.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

? (((Hugs for Lil Mums)))?

 

[mumstheword]

I am going pretty well. The course is hard going but I know I am getting somewhere. Last week we had a "shame" focus. We even got to do some art around the theme. We had to sculpt our shame, in clay. I came up with this concept of a "shame virus" that I caught off my parents and one of the other women, in particular, found that idea very helpful. Which was gratifying. Another kept saying "that's a book" after I shared some analogous symbolism around the activities we were asked to do. One was the "shame virus" and the other a flame of hope/change/transformation I placed in my chest after breathing out the shame that was sitting heavily in my chest area. I placed the breathed-out shame in my sculpture and as it emptied out, I did, indeed, feel more space in my heart chakra area and so placing the flame there, is a symbol of transmutation, it burns shame like real flames burn oxygen. It is the "small candle light of hope" flickering away to guide me home to fullfilling my potential.

I am really working on this stuff, as well as losing my excess poundage, so, all in all, I'm changing and growing and lightening myself.

Recognising my autism has really helped me put things in perspective, too. I have developed a kind of "autism pride". I am super sensitive and really have some very unique qualities and gifts, to go with my disabilities and deficits. Discovering my Aspergers/Autism has made me appreciate and form a sense of reality and identity that fits and makes sense, and I have so much more compassion and understanding of myself.

I also forgive myself for my social aversion.
The comorbidities of cptsd

diagnosed and autism undiagnosed (as yet) are really not conducive for social comfortability. I don't have any doubts about the autism though, all the online tests and books (I have 5 or 6 now) and my family all confirm it. At first it was hard, but now, it's the best realization I've made in the last year.