The Letting Go And Letting My Tdoc Handle It Is More Difficult

[Hlost]

I went to my tdoc appt yesterday and I had promised myself to let go and do my best not to control the sessions. This is extremely difficult for me. She does not give me the "agenda" and I get no sense of completion, which is my thing, which is my sense of control. :banghead: This is what made me exceptional in the office and lousy in free-flow therapy. However, and this is where I am doing so much better I promise, I am taking the time to do my deep breathing and letting go, doing my mantra to my Spirit God of Healing. This Guy and I go way back and He is something else, a jokester, healer, tester, burning bush kind of Spirit, and I have been pretty pissed off for many many years at Him.

I did not want to but I did, sort of "let go" ;). Look, I wanted to stay mad and rageful, I didn't want to give up this ridiculous sense of false power I was wearing as a shield at the time. I was feeling attacked from all sides and I thought "I'm getting the h*** out of here, taking a trip, and I don't care what she says! So let's do this!!" Wonderful way to not only let go but to get some therapy don't you think?? :angel:Ok, so I keep doing my mantra and she comes out, reads me right and says hello and that it will be just a few more minutes. Hey no problem. I never mind waiting, I just don't.

I get in there and let her know I know I am trying to control the session so problem uno, next rant about the bottom feeders nipping continuously at my door and the court date with my "what boundaries:confused:" next door neighbor and pooping/peeing dogs, I refuse to repeat that here. Then I start to get into the strides I'd made when she leans forward quietly asking questions that opens the door to where I didn't expect to go...

I don't want to talk about it, that was then and I was in therapy at the time, I cried a million and one tears over this stuff there is no reason to go back through it, it serves no purpose. I did what I could and that's that. Hmmmm.

Step out and move on. :spin::spin::running::running::running::running::running::running::running::running::running::running::running::running:


Her response, :no: come back into yourself and let's talk about it because you haven't talked about it with me.

Ouch, :trapped: (I'm not going to talk about what it was here but I will in my diary.) I guess my mantra worked and afterward she asked how I was doing. I said I didn't understand why we had to go through that, she once again suggested I not analyze it but go with it. That is much like asking me not breathe, oh wait, most of the time I have to remember to breathe, ok, much like telling me not think period, hmmm could be a good idea sometimes.

What do you think?

HLost

 

[WonderingWhy]

Well, it does sound like she has decided letting you stay in control of the sessions may not be the way to serve you best. It sounds like she has now taken control. It may very well be a tough ride, but hopefully the destination will be more than worth it! Good luck:hug:

 

[Hlost]

Nightmares are haunting me and exhaustion is beating me down. I can't seem to convey my thoughts properly but that is the way things go when my mind is in turmoil and I tend to feel the best place for me in a closet, away from everyone. Staying out of there is rough but I have to keep trying to walk forward and risk continued stumbling along the way.

Lately my mind runs faster and faster. Though the "veils" are appearing at the times I least expect them I am beginning to think these are specifically the times I should. It makes no sense to me but maybe they should. Maybe I should be observing the times when I have a type of breakthrough and pay attention to them then and what is going on, why are they intruding, what am I afraid of, or what is this triggering?

Just after court, it happened. I really should have felt some form of relief for validation and recognition, finally, for having somebody say you ARE doing the right thing and we appreciate it regardless of how unpopular it is with those around you, no matter how uncomfortable it makes people, how frustrating it can be, we DO want you to be doing what you know to be right in your and gut. I should have felt that and I guess somewhere I did but I didn't trust it. I was feeling setup. I felt as though before we went that I was going to get called out and yelled out for being a nuisance caller. I was guarding myself for that, I had enough evidence to prove my case but still I "just knew" it was coming. All I could remember was the last time this Judge treated me like a pain and as someone who had nothing better to do than to complain. He just let the other guy go on and on about how I complained about this and that, I tried to correct what he was saying but was told to not interrupt, this guy was lying, carrying on and I was kicking myself for making a mistake.

That's all I was thinking about this last time, not about how the ending went, so when he called me out and questioned whether he knew me, hadn't I been there before, was this a different person I was up against, I lost wished I could make myself smaller. I had no where to go. No question I would be there, I was going to be, not just because it was a Summons (Jail was NOT an option), but also I believed in why I was there. I had some silly hope I would not now or ever be recognized. Not only was I but it was like old home week! Smiling and saying that he thought he had recognized me!! Oh geez, I felt sunk for sure. Then BANG on to business and I mean fast!! What, where, when, let's see the evidence. I stumbled, presented, and poof, done! Their turn, interrupted, let's see what you have, hmmm, okay, here's the law - you are in violation, we'll try to help you out with the fines but the law is the law. Have a nice day.

Shaken, I'm am existing the room with my husband when the Judge speaks out that he not only appreciates my calling but would like me to, "Please keep calling, we like it that you call, Mrs._____" (Smile). I mumble something to the effect of "Okay Judge, thank you" and plaster what I hope is a smile on my face and quickly exit the court room. Needless to say the room had been needle-dropping silent and my adversary heard every inviting word. This will make for some interesting homecomings. I'm sure I'll be even MORE popular now, ugh.

However, even after having a nice lunch before returning home, I ran right into a curtain of "veils" within minutes upon enter our home. I told my husband right away. I didn't understand it. I wanted to address them but quite honestly it just pissed me off! He immediately worked on diverting my attention away, so I went with that. I wanted to discuss this with my tdoc but she was unavailable for our session Friday due to illness, I will see her this week.

Since then I have felt serious Depression and overwhelm. Despite the fact good things are happening. My Son is feeding me exceptionally great news and a close friend has told me other great news going on.

I feel completely unable to escape the pressure of deep depression.

HL

 

[WonderingWhy]

HL,

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction. It is just a VERY bumpy road. You made it through, despite the difficulty! You should be quite proud of yourself!!!!:applause::thumbsup: