Sexual Assault The Many Levels Of Abuse

[Lady of Longbourn]

There...I said it. I was 'groomed' and it was online and so was the sexual abuse. I was wondering if any one had experience like this. I really need to talk about it....


I was raped when I was 17 until 18. But this happened before the rapes. Even when I was first diagnosed has having PTSD at 19, my T at the time did not know about the child grooming that happened when I was 13 years old to 16.

I did not know to tell him. I never realized how wrong it was until just a few years ago. I guess that is why its called 'grooming'.

I was a very lonely kid. My best friend had just died and I didn't have any other friends. I have had really bad social anxiety for as long as I can remember. My mother neglect me and my father was abusive.

I feel like I have to explain why...why I let them do this to me. I almost feel like I have to justify my actions.

I was always a lonely kid. I was very ill. I had a bunch of mental problems that people ignored. ( Bipolar disorder for example...)

I guess I was easy prey.

But online, in chat rooms, I found people to talk to me. I can't begin to tell you how that felt. I had no on to talk to, so even random men online was good.

It started out slowly.

The first guy that would just talk about sex. He never asked to see me. The 2nd guy was the one who changed it all. He started slowly and then it got more serious, he would ask for pictures and my phone number. We would talk about sex and about everyday things.

I was very lonely, and suddenly there was a person who actually asked me " How are you?" and " How was school?" and "What did you do today?" such basic everyday questions, that no one bothered to ask me. I finally had someone to talk too.

So trading phone sex, or webcam videos was...simple.

I want to write more, but sharing this has made me very tired and sad. :(

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Ayesha,
Well done for sharing that.

You do not have to justify why this happened to you. It was not your fault.
I hope you find the understanding you deserve on here. I am sure others will share your experience.

best wishes,
Lucy x

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Slow process... So much to say.

There were lots of men. Many, many. Some lasted for months, and we would talk on the phone all the time. Some were not as often. Sometimes there was more then one man at a time.

But it was okay, I had 'friends'.

Soon I had a webcam, and would do things for these men on webcam.

I would touch myself and say dirty things.

I am still confused how almost no one questioned me. Like my mother.

I would spend hours and hours doing all these things.

Once my actions sort of...like a whore? I was a kid but...

Damn I am confused.

My actions were like a kid who was sexual abused before. And I don't remember that.

 

[Laura Leonard]

I understand your need to justify it, but I can confidently say that no one on here is going to judge you for anything. We're all in similar boats here.

Let me just say, that if you doing things on a webcam for emotional intimacy makes you a whore, then it is very likely that most of the women who are sexually active are also whores ;). I guarantee you that there have been plenty of nights I haven't been "in the mood" but had sex with my boyfriend anyway, because I had the end goal in mind. My favorite part of sex is what comes after; the cuddling, closeness, and emotional connection.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have never met another person who has been abused via the internet. Who has been used for phone sex and being watched naked on camera in front of many different men, and also had to see them touch themselves and being told where I should touch myself.

Sometimes I feel like this trauma is less valid becasue it less physical.

I remember crying sometimes while taking my clothes off in front of the camera. Sometimes I did not, sometimes it seemed to me that it was okay and at least someone was talking to me.

This grooming started when I was 13 years old.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I do not understand why my mother did nothing. She knew something was happening but she still didn't take me to a therapist. She knew how depressed I was. How my grades were awful. How I had no friends to speak of ( out side the internet world). How I never took care of myself. I was so so lonely.

But I was groomed and didn't know it was wrong. My mother would have blamed me. She would not have seen how I was being used. And I would have defended them. I was very lonely and I wanted someone to talk too.

Often when I think about my childhood the first emotion I feel is loneliness. I know I have said how lonely I was, but I can't even begin to tell you the depth of my loneliness. My depression was threw the roof.

Out of all the emotions I feel about my childhood, the loneliness is the one I can't seem to get over and deal with.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My mother does blame me. She says I was "very difficult", and that I would not have talked anyway. I firmly think that if she had taken me to see the same person/doctor/ therapist I would have at some point talked or they would have figured out something.

At one point I was given a state social worker, because the state found out through my mother ( or something like this) that my father at pinned me to a bed and yelled at me. The state wanted my father to lose visiting rights. So they sent me a woman social worker. All I remember was trying to explain how bad it was to live in my house. My mother was controlled by my stepfather, who hated me and treated me very badly.

I could not explain to her that my father had pinned me to the bed becasue he found one of the men talking about sex with me. My father had set up video camars in his house to watch me and something on his computer to see what I was doing and he would watch it on the TV in the living room. Anyone see that as a bit weird? Now, I wonder if there was a camara in my bedroom and he would watch me undress?! Instead of seeing the man who I was talking to as the problem my father called me a whore and I thought he was going to kill me. I was still defending these men in my head...becasue they talked to me while not even my mother would.

Wow, I just figured that out. That my father blamed me and not the men.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My stepfather is psychologically abusive. He is hard to explain, and I tried to explain him to the social worker when I was 14. But I think she just saw me as a whining teenager and I was ignored. I was ignored a lot. My classmates never seemed to know I was there, my teacher would look over me instead of at me.

My stepfather is a cold man. He is detached and treats me badly. He would say and do bad things to me. When my mother was not around he would bully and yell at me. Everything was always my fault. We hated each other and my mother saw this as all my fault.

I was 9 years old when I meet him, and my father had just left us. My mother still blames me to this day. " He treats you badly because of the way you treated him when you were a kid..."

I was a 9 year old child, whose mother suddenly brings in a guy who is very cold and doesn't know how to treat me. My mother forgets who the adult was.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Not soon after the social worker started seeing me she started telling me that she had other clients " who have been raped and abused.." and therefore I was not worth her time. I shut down after that. No one had any idea what was happening to me on almost a daily bases. No one had any idea I would take pictures of myself in lingerie I had found in my mother's closet every weekend while my mother and stepfather were out shopping.

My mother actually bought me a webcam for Christmas one year...

This went on until I was 17 years old. Then I met my rapist...

 

[Ice_Fire]

Ayesha, I'm so sorry you have been through so much. It is so hard to keep going when you feel emotionally abandoned by those who should have been caring and protecting you. Yes, I do find your father's 'snooping' (if that is an appropriate way to put it) weird. No, it's plain wrong.

I can empathise with you about the awful lonliness, words cannot describe it. I have been lucky to have my grandma, I'm sorry that you didn't have that care and attention outside of the internet. You do not have to justify yourself, you are innocent in all this. Well done for taking the plunge and sharing.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I quickly learned what men wanted to hear. What I should say to make them happy...honeyed words. Sweet words a girlfriend would whisper to them. I knew all the lingo and what things really turned them on.

Some of these men I would talk to late into the night on the phone. Others it was just a online relationship. I would spend hours every day on the computer or phone. Even longer on weekends when no one was home. Sometimes I pretended to be sick and skip school.

My T once told me... " Your mother should have never left you alone for that long." She would barely talk to me. It was always... I was just being a teenager with her. No Mother, I was being a sexual abused, very lonely depressed teenager.


I NEEDED HELP, FOR f*ck SAKE!

Sometimes I don't think I could have made it without those men. They may have been abusing me, but they were talking to me.

I was so lonely, so depressed and so mentally unstable.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

When I think about my childhood, my young teenage years, and when I was 19...I can't see how I talk still talk to my mother.