The Miracle Question

[Tinyflame]

Yes @The Albatross .

I think I am viewing this a bit differently or less literally perhaps? @Justmehere said this:

“What would your life look like if trauma had never happened and you had never had PTSD?”

or, conversely:

My therapist ..asked me, “Let’s say we could have a miracle happen, and you felt fully safe and able to let go in therapy with me and everything turned out ok? What would that be like for you?”

For myself, I am not thinking in 'specifics', because who could ever know? People without ptsd could never know either, how they would feel or what life would be like making different choices. And the 'grass is usually not as green on the other side" (or without weeds= difficulties, as other's may think.)

But what's funny is, though (I, myself, too) would want to avoid the question to not feel 'down', the truth is I'm already making those comparisons to others or 'imagining' how my life would be different every time I curse down ptsd, or get frustrated with myself, or depressed, or feel of no worth, or a burden, or hide things, or am ashamed, or ashamed of a scar, etc. Little things or big things. I may not 'know' what life is like without trauma or ptsd, but when I 'feel' that way or level that self judgment I already am doing a distorted version of the question.

If however I say to myself, I would 'imagine' I would feel less vigilant, or less self-blaming, or less guarded (etc etc etc), & imaging that feels good, then I can say that. (A big step in itself, which might actually make me less guarded & able to speak up).

This version, for example:

My therapist ..asked me, “Let’s say we could have a miracle happen, and you felt fully safe and able to let go in therapy with me and everything turned out ok? What would that be like for you?”

has nothing to do with even imagining ptsd or trauma didn't occur.

I think we all mostly (well I do, for one) have a comparison in our minds of how people without ptsd or trauma relate. (Probably they are more likely to "feel fully safe & (be) able to let go in therapy.. & (think/ feel/ anticipate or expect it more likely than we would or do) that everything would turn out ok". ^^) I know I could think to myself, 'well, they wouldn't need therapy then'. But in a way, it's like pretending we don't have the same things holding us back, in order to try to move forward, or forward more quickly, or with less pain than we usually have [speaking only of the malleable parts, of course. But 'imagining things will be ok', is somewhat malleable (though very frightening & not easy) ].

So in a way, (to me) it's like trying to imagine not being so influenced by ptsd & trauma & our thoughts about that & ourselves (I'll use the cringe-worthy word pretend we are 'normal', ie not trauma-influenced) to enable us to free ourselves up to communicate & reveal & process stuff & reach for healing/ some peace.

 

[Nam]

The first is by far easier to answer than the second. The first has me imagine for just a moment, what it feels like to work hard on this shit while feeling completely safe, surrounded by love, support, and hope. Even the noise in my head quieted and all criticisms were silent. It allowed me to dream what could be without fear. That is really freeing.

The second question made me upset. It made me think that the life I created with PTSD was inferior to what it could be like without it. It's like all the joys and sadness got chopped off. It takes lots of work to get my mind thinking the way it does now. To know when I'm not seeing things objectively and that I'm giving my negative perceptions more power. Healing takes work. I think I'd give up the PTSD gladly, but not sure I'd want to give up what the work has taught me.

I think it depends on where you are in your healing as to which question would be the most beneficial for healing. I feel that the first question will help facilitate healing and that the second question make me go in reverse.

 

[ghotiff]

At the beginning of this thread I totally rebelled at the question but overtime I'm starting to see its relevance.

At first I went through items like...., if I had no physical pain i would.....but that was depressing as I don't ever see it happening.

But then I started having thoughts eg ....One thing I would want is to be less restricted and to go out into the world and meet interesting people. I think this is why I like reality tv, it's meeting people with no risks. But after looking at this, there are somethings I personally could do to meet more people. Maybe I should.

 

[angrypanda]

I did Journaling on both questions. The first about therapy gave me shred of hope of how high functioning I really am. I could see a little potential in my hopes, they aren't completely impossible. That felt good.

The second question about trauma never happening was much harder. I never had a "pretrauma life" so I can only dream. The difference is terribly sad but I'm proud to say my husband, career, home and children would basically be the same. That also felt good. However, I have some awesome personality traits, "spider senses", and experience I've developed because of my trauma. While a good portion of "me" is scarred by trauma, part of me is actually stronger because of it. It's sad to think of not having these. While I want so badly to be ordinary, I realized I have some pride in being unique.

 

[Tinyflame]

I took a quick look through the links when @Justmehere posted them, not sure if I misunderstood but I think they showed in one link about 25 different versions of the question . I could be wrong but I think they said to choose which ever one(s) were helpful, to use imagination & what suited you (and discard the rest).

 

[Justmehere]

I think you have it right @Junebug.

I could be wrong but I think they said to choose which ever one(s) were helpful, to use imagination & what suited you (and discard the rest)

I liked that article the best. It helped me play around with this type of questions and get at what my therapist was trying to help me access.

I'm still writing and processing through all of this myself. Everyone's thoughts on this has been really helpful and encouraging to read. I'm sort of in a place where I am struggling to find words, but I will write more soon.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm glad @Justmehere , & I hope you will share.

Best wishes. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I prefer the first question to the latter, because I think the latter is really hard for anyone with developmental trauma to wrap their heads around.

Totally agree. The first question, I could answer (and I'm getting closer to this being a reality, but not totally there). The second? Absolutely no clue. I've been trying to get my mind around this as I read through the thread, and I'm stumped.

 

[Tinyflame]

@sun seeker I think that's the point, discard what doesn't work. Sort of, personalized to what you can tolerate or relate to, for you specifically.

I know I read in part of it, re: homework, if the person doesn't complete it, for example, it's considered ok, that 'life interfered' & the person found it more necessary to do something else, or they did not feel it sufficient value or relevance to themself.

I guess all of the above reflects more on confidence each person can recognize or find out (& choose) what they can tolerate & what is helpful, & what is not.

I know they said you can do it yourself, but I'm not sure how one can generate 'new thoughts' without feedback?

I like the 'thought budging'.

 

[Lionheart]

I've been thinking and I believe without the PTSD ever occurring, I would be married to a good woman and have more of a social life. I would be more outgoing and not so afraid. I would have finished college a long time ago and be working a job that I like and that pays well instead of being disabled and living on a low, fixed income. I would have had more children and would not suffer from deep depression and loneliness.

 

[Justmehere]

I am still processing brought all of this, I talked to a friend about it and she had a really interesting twist. She read an article that proposed the question, "what if you lived like you were loved?"

She added, "and yes, I mean the kind of love that is safe and healthy." (Stupid developmental trauma at the hands of family members screwed up my perception of love.)

This type of question originally comes from solution focused therpay which is focused on strengths and the future, and it's been really encouraging and ridiculously painful for me to think through all of this. I'm glad I'm not alone in it.

I got to run, but I will write more later..,

 

[Tinyflame]

Someone (who knows what they're talking about) pointed out an inherent flaw in this, we don't know the future & we never will & most importantly we never should, provided we have something to 'cleave to' or attempt to hold on to today. (Which is always though so important so very difficult as it is). I'm not wording it properly, but to try to do what we can/ go each day (the best we can).

For my part, it came to me, for others (& specifically ones I know/ knew specifically & privately or knew more private details, such as my parents or family members), if their lives were 'written out' they would read like a horror story of so much suffering (& therefore sorrow), including death, murder, sickness, possibly ptsd, etc. Some parts of their marriage, too. (And of course it depends what details are focused on.) Yet the 'end result' was a love story, or in many ways joyous stories. It would be an erroneous & incomplete conclusion to focus on the first.

Combining that with the fact it's my experience no one escapes suffering, perhaps this is one reason many have a negative 'reaction' when approaching this stuff / Miracle Question Method (rightfully so).

I was going to say the greatest benefit may remain to be able to imagine (& live) living with less fear, but thinking this, though I wouldn't have thought of it:

what if you lived like you were loved .. the kind of love that is safe and healthy." (Stupid developmental trauma at the hands of family members screwed up my perception of love.)

is probably even more profound. There is the saying 'perfect love casts out fear' (too).

And this would require (amongst other things) many of us to forgive ourselves, redefine ourselves & what we feel about ourselves, including having ptsd.

(JMHO, of course!! :rolleyes: :notworthy: )