The Mirror And Photographs

[rightkindofme]

Inside of me looking out I have no age. I am five and fifty at the same time. What I see in the mirror changes so often and so dramatically (I have learned to embrace my fluffy curly hair--it can change an appearance significantly) that I often feel confused by what I see. My "adult" weight has fluctuated between 145 lbs and 218lbs. (I am currently in the low 150's--it is f'in weird.)

I feel like "who I am" has no connection to the random piece of meat that can be seen in a mirror. That's not me.

That said I have people take my picture with people as much as possible and my whole house is plastered with pictures. I've been intensely suicidal for most of my life. I have my house full of pictures of the people who would be very distraught if I killed myself. I like feeling like I'm not alone even though I think I am. These people love me even if they are not standing in the room right now.

 

[DMerish]

I like feeling like I'm not alone even though I think I am.

I have my loved one's photos framed and on the walls of my dinning room. My sister, the interior decorator, said to take them down because they were too personal and to replace them wiht landscapes or abstract pieces. I told her having personal photos in the dinning room was the entire point - this way I have "my people" surronding me at the dinning table when I eat!

:confused: Not meaning to get off topic . . . ;)

 

[Mayday]

I hadn't really thought about the mirror thing much, but on reflection (pun not intended), I don't really feel a connection to "me" when I look in the mirror.

With photos, I feel even more of a disconnect.

 

[scout86]

It's good to hear other people experience this too! Anyone know what "normal" is, in this regard? My therapist occasionally asks me to "visualize" scenes, with "me" in them, but from some perspective other than my own. I can't do it ("so far", he says). Trying to do it actually kind of freaks me out. I have no idea why it should be such a big deal. So, anyone have an idea what's up with this?

 

[Justpassintime]

The only way I can describe this is that I have no me, I have no reference point at all (sexual abuse multiple persons from early childhood to mid-teens). It's so much more then I don't know what I like, etc. There is no "me" - like if you opened me and hollered, you would get an echo.....That's about all I can say about it because I do not know what I do not have since I never had it to begin with.

 

[eav]

I have been dissociating for years, I guess, but didn't know that was what it was. I withdraw inside myself and everything starts to kind of swim around. I can't tell directions, or sometimes even up or down (so sometimes I fall). I always thought it was vertigo, but now my therapist says that it isn't. It often happens when I'm triggered or scared. I wish this would stop--it makes things like shopping and going in crowds difficult and scary.

I also have this place inside that I go to when people around me fight or I get scared. It is a place where there really isn't anything, just emptiness. My own version of running away and not dealing with things, I guess. I still know who I am, but the rest of the world gets kind of fuzzy and less threatening. I don't mind being in that place, sometimes I think I'd rather be there than in real life.

 

[Britt.f7]

I hate photos of myself or seeing myself. I've been told often enough that my view of myself is distorted. About a month ago, I think I have had enough and in an effort not to be bothered by what I see, I used my photo as my avatar for both here and face book. It wasn't easy. I am in the same position as you, my kids barely have any pictures of their mother. Using my photo, and actually allowing myself to have my picture taken with my son a few weeks ago, has taken away some of the negative power of seeing my image. I'm not filled with disgust as often. This is a big step. I am hoping that, eventually, I will be comfortable in my own skin. That would be different. In my entire life, 47 years, I only remember a brief time I felt that way. I'm searching for it again.

 

[Justpassintime]

Way to go! That's awesome, I hadn't actually thought about a lot of things you mentioned. For me it's not a "perception" issue, it's elusive to describe :( But I am working on it also. Thank you for sharing :D

 

[nomedic1]

I see an ugly old man, hate photos of me

 

[JustBe]

I also avoid mirrors and photographs if myself like the plague. I can't remember a time when I didn't.

 

[Justpassintime]

I think somehow it's related to being real vs. not being real. I am always reassuring myself what is real, but I've never done that to myself. If that makes sense LOL. If I have a picture to touch and hold then I guess I am real and I'm not 100% what to do with that. I don't think it's any ugly fat thing for me. I wonder if it's that if I am real then all that crap that happened is real too. I asked my first good counselor was it really that bad and was shocked at the answer I received. I think we're getting warmer :D

 

[scout86]

Is there a superlative version of "like"? If there is, I'm using it for that last post! Now I have to go back and think what it means, because I'm sure it means SOMETHING.