I am reminded of the movie as good as it gets when I look at my life crumbling away. I have been coping with an escalation of symptoms since my last Job as a hospice nurse. (over 2 years ago) I hadn't realized that my younger mind and stronger body I was able to outrun and and to some degree out think the beast. I learned to stay busy and I always had a new goal. I would get an occasional trigger through the years but nothing like now.
I had a successful business after many years of trying to unsuccessfully trying to work for other people. I found a wife after many stormy relationships 10 years after my discharge. I found a renewed since of hope tied to spirituality even knowing next year I will die.
I knew when I left my last job as a hospice nurse things were different and the dreams were back. The old familiar triggers were activated with greater ease. My anger issues escalated. I have great self discipline and control but the rage would get through sometimes. If I know I am escalating or have been recently triggered I know to hide out in the guest room. That room is now called "Daddy's Room" My wife came in it last night because she didn't like how I barked at my boy. That didn't end well either.
I have not had work in over a year I tried restarting one of my old sign business's, but I cant seem to leave the house long enough to make it work and I know I am not well enough to compound the stress of putting an open sign on the front door to invite the public in.
So here I am, I am In a home in a nice neighborhood that takes a double income to provide for. We have gone through all of our equity and then went to credit cards to pay for groceries. Now the cards are maxed. The business I am ready to let fail, My relationship is ...well we haven't been in same bedroom for several years. There is no real intimacy, and I have a feeling this will reach critical mass at the same time. I have tried to sleep in same bed with her but any movement and I am startled awake so the obvious choice is get what sleep is available in the other room.
Now here it is 2 years later I have been seeing VA docs, Private doctors, and inpatient in civie psych. I am trying to find a balance between taking enough medication to make it through the day and too much where I will lay around and invite the beast in to chew on my leg while I just stare at him an feel sorry for myself.
As an ICU nurse I can recall saying to patients dying of cancer." You just have to remain positive that negative stress can lead to all sorts of bad side effects, chemicals ATCH and ATC and would explain how they are constrictors all the negative consequences. I now know how condescending that may have sounded.
Spiritually I am still hanging in there but I now have to skip on the one thing that brings me hope as I am currently not able to take the crowd.
I have pinned my hopes on an inpatient treatment center (months away?) as everything else has not given me enough distance from the beast were I feel I can breath. Medicines help and for a day or so my snorkel seems long enough until the wrong thing happens and I suck water.
I can almost hear the interrogator saying to the person being water boarded just calm down keep a positive mental attitude this will all be over in a couple of hours.
I'm tired, I am wore down... I am so ready to give in, but I am not that Man so selfish as to cause my grief to be passed to my family.
I can see how easy It is. I had a wisdom tooth that caused me a great deal of pain a year or two after being discharged from the NAVY. I didn't have the 1200 to pay to have it extracted. So I did it myself with a pair of needle nose pliers. I can take pain, in fact I can endure pain at a very high level. I think that's what made me a good triathlete.
Its the long and nagging chronic pain that debilitates, The PTSD pain that brought on the beast that continues to devour all my meaningful advances in my life.
If only the VA or some other organization could hand me the pliers I would help me remove this beast from myself at least enough so I can live again. Not just endure.
Perhaps I will bankrupt and be in a single-wide on a farm in the country with not much use to family or society.
Perhaps my wife will make it there with me and my children wont harbor any bitterness,
Perhaps this may be as good as it gets?
I see how we lost so many during and after the WARS..
I had a successful business after many years of trying to unsuccessfully trying to work for other people. I found a wife after many stormy relationships 10 years after my discharge. I found a renewed since of hope tied to spirituality even knowing next year I will die.
I knew when I left my last job as a hospice nurse things were different and the dreams were back. The old familiar triggers were activated with greater ease. My anger issues escalated. I have great self discipline and control but the rage would get through sometimes. If I know I am escalating or have been recently triggered I know to hide out in the guest room. That room is now called "Daddy's Room" My wife came in it last night because she didn't like how I barked at my boy. That didn't end well either.
I have not had work in over a year I tried restarting one of my old sign business's, but I cant seem to leave the house long enough to make it work and I know I am not well enough to compound the stress of putting an open sign on the front door to invite the public in.
So here I am, I am In a home in a nice neighborhood that takes a double income to provide for. We have gone through all of our equity and then went to credit cards to pay for groceries. Now the cards are maxed. The business I am ready to let fail, My relationship is ...well we haven't been in same bedroom for several years. There is no real intimacy, and I have a feeling this will reach critical mass at the same time. I have tried to sleep in same bed with her but any movement and I am startled awake so the obvious choice is get what sleep is available in the other room.
Now here it is 2 years later I have been seeing VA docs, Private doctors, and inpatient in civie psych. I am trying to find a balance between taking enough medication to make it through the day and too much where I will lay around and invite the beast in to chew on my leg while I just stare at him an feel sorry for myself.
As an ICU nurse I can recall saying to patients dying of cancer." You just have to remain positive that negative stress can lead to all sorts of bad side effects, chemicals ATCH and ATC and would explain how they are constrictors all the negative consequences. I now know how condescending that may have sounded.
Spiritually I am still hanging in there but I now have to skip on the one thing that brings me hope as I am currently not able to take the crowd.
I have pinned my hopes on an inpatient treatment center (months away?) as everything else has not given me enough distance from the beast were I feel I can breath. Medicines help and for a day or so my snorkel seems long enough until the wrong thing happens and I suck water.
I can almost hear the interrogator saying to the person being water boarded just calm down keep a positive mental attitude this will all be over in a couple of hours.
I'm tired, I am wore down... I am so ready to give in, but I am not that Man so selfish as to cause my grief to be passed to my family.
I can see how easy It is. I had a wisdom tooth that caused me a great deal of pain a year or two after being discharged from the NAVY. I didn't have the 1200 to pay to have it extracted. So I did it myself with a pair of needle nose pliers. I can take pain, in fact I can endure pain at a very high level. I think that's what made me a good triathlete.
Its the long and nagging chronic pain that debilitates, The PTSD pain that brought on the beast that continues to devour all my meaningful advances in my life.
If only the VA or some other organization could hand me the pliers I would help me remove this beast from myself at least enough so I can live again. Not just endure.
Perhaps I will bankrupt and be in a single-wide on a farm in the country with not much use to family or society.
Perhaps my wife will make it there with me and my children wont harbor any bitterness,
Perhaps this may be as good as it gets?
I see how we lost so many during and after the WARS..
