The newbie

[BioHazard]

The newbie

Hello, all. I'm James. I joined the military at 17 with parental consent, did basic and AIT, then went to FT. Stewart, Ga., the home of the Army's 3rd Inf Div (M) and got ready to go to Bosnia. I was in a foreign country for almost every birthday up until last year, when I decided not to re-enlist because I was tired of going to Iraq. I have been to Iraq 4 times since 2001, and can't stand to see the place again. All told, I have been deployed 9 times since 1995. I was also having some mental issues, mainly anger for no reason, and a new fondness for alcohol. Because of my own stubborn pride and refusal to ask for help (I'm a man, and not very willing to say I have a problem) I almost lost everything important to me. I promised my wife that I would at least try to do something to fix things. I went to the local VA hospital, and all they seemed to want to do is medicate me heavily, or lock me into an institution. Neither of these options seemed to me like help, just a way to cover up a problem. I don't want to shovel dirt over the issue and bury it, I want to figure out how to repair what is broken. My wife has asked me to figure out a way to get help for my problem, and I don't want to drug myself into a brain dead stupor. The couple of times I have spoken to the shrink, he acts like he is almost ignoring me, then prescribes Citalopram Hydrobromide to help me sleep, and Tramadol for the headaches (Does anyone else here have the headaches?) The Citalopram only makes me sleep like a zombie, and I wake up nauseous. The Tramadol makes me dopey and clumsy, but it does make my head stop hurting for a while, which makes me less angry, or maybe makes me deal better with the anger.

When I first came home, I poured every thing I had into building a project car. All the anger, fear, hate, love, and every other emotion I could feel. After two or three months, the project build stopped helping, so I got rid of the car. Then I tried one more time after that to use an outside distraction to help me forget things, or just to work myself to exhaustion. I have a lot of nights where sleep will not come, and some days where I just can not wake up. I can't go shopping at Christmas time, and shopping at any other time of year is a stressful affair. I'm not even able to go to a movie theater and enjoy a show because the crowds make me so nervous that I worry about having a flashback, or other episode. I have had episodes of rage that I can't explain to anyone, not even myself. I will flip out and break things, then a few minutes later, after calming down, will feel horrible and apologize profusely.

I'm hoping that by learning more about PTSD, I will be able to teach myself to control it, at least. If I'm unable to cure it, hopefully I can learn to recognize the signs and ways to prevent episodes. I have been all over the world, scared to death more times than I could ever count, and always came out virtually unharmed, at least physically. I'm starting to see the injuries that I didn't feel at the time, and don't know how to close the wounds.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey James, that is my name as well,

First and foremost I think the courage to come forward and give some of your story is worth its weight in gold alone.

We in Australia, and I know I speak for a lot of Australian veterans, are only just coming to terms with the fact that there are a lot of both serving and ex-serving veterans who have severe mental health issues. And these date back to Vietnam and further if they are still alive.

Anyone with PTSD will know that medication is not the answer. It's just a shell dressing. It's like an immediate action drill. Have a mental illness and give them drugs.

The problem that exists is that there are now so many thousands of military personal out there that there is not enough 'good' support to cater for it.

There is always hope mate.

I get the headaches, insomnia, anger, and everything else that comes with it.

Its not an answer, but I do have an idea as to why so many veterans have taken their own lives after returning from overseas deployments in the military. Its to quieten the mind from all the torment.

There are thousands of threads of information out there on this electronic super highway on what people think PTSD is. Yet I believe everyone deals with it in their own way, we just have some of the same symptoms that's all.

Some of the medical profession believe we have a mood disorder, where I believe is an emotion disorder. And the majority of it comes from basic training where you are taught to use your anger, not to cry, and ridicule those that are weaker. You are taught to hate. I could go on and on.

Yet as children growing up, speaking for myself, you are taught to defend your family, be respectful to your elders, and have fun.

So within all this jawing off that I have done here, I hope you can find some sort of answer. I suppose buddy, find a therapist who you can work with. It took me three or four to find the right one, you will know when you get the right one too. And if your medication is not working, go see another shrink and tell them what is going on.

Here in Australia, we have a PTSD program which is run by the MATER Hospital. It is an 8 week course, 2 days a week for 4 weeks and 4 days a week for the rest.
All it does is give you the tools for coping with the symptoms and a little bit on how to live with it.

Well I hope I have helped to mate. If not send me a message on MSN.

 

[BioHazard]

I agree with you about the type of disorder, QLD. I don't believe that it is a mood disorder, because I can be in a great mood, while at the same time completely livid about something inconsequential. I also have days where I am in a horrible mood, and don't get mad about anything. I also agree about the basic training aspect of things. I can remember having a drill instructor yelling at me to "get pissed and defend yourself!" during hand to hand and bayonet training. I can also remember going on patrol in Iraq, and listening to music that made me angry as we left the gates, then turning it off and looking for a reason to lose my temper.

I've been through three therapists so far, and the one I am with now is a Vietnam veteran who was once a scared kid, and had to learn to survive for himself. He also suffers from PTSD, and has been coping well with it for almost 25 years. He seems to understand the things I talk to him about, and he was the one who suggested that I search the internet for a PTSD forum oriented toward veterans, for those times when I need someone to talk to between our appointments. I found PTSDForum.org first, and registered there, then found this forum. I have to say from browsing around, that I think I will be more comfortable here, just because the people here will be able to relate better to my history and my problems.

I am glad to know that I'm not the only one who gets the headaches, too. I was worried that it might be a physical problem, rather than a symptom of PTSD.

 

[Jimmy1]

Mate, I am sure Generic will answer some of your needs, he has done a lot of study and also manages both sites. I personally hid my symptoms for years through work, promotion courses, etc. And then when they finally booted me out, I hid my symptoms through alcohol and substance abuse.

All this did was affect my back pocket, my children, and the progress towards therapy.

Good luck and hope to catch you in chat sometime, or MSN me. Its in my profile.

 

[anthony]

First of all... welcome to the forum James and really glad to have you here.

mainly anger for no reason, and a new fondness for alcohol... ...all they seemed to want to do is medicate me heavily, or lock me into an institution

Yep, this is the pretty normal experience, unfortunately.

Neither of these options seemed to me like help, just a way to cover up a problem.

You still have it correct. Physicians have become lazy and greedy nowadays due to pharmacological companies interference and reliance. They get kickbacks on how much medication they prescribe, so many tend to take the greedy road and tell themselves they are doing the right thing by getting rich and over diagnosis and prescription of medication. Worldwide issue of mental health laziness. A psychiatrist has become nothing more than a pill provider, which is totally useless for long term benefit off health.

I want to figure out how to repair what is broken.

You can achieve this to a point, but you must understand that PTSD itself is incurable, being the physical chemical imbalance that has taken place between your right and left brain hemispheres... to date, that cannot be corrected. This is what medication attempts to correct, by doping chemicals up or down that are lacking, hence why it is such a hit and miss exercise on a per person basis.

(Does anyone else here have the headaches?)

The headaches are because of anxiety, nothing more... don't panic about them. One of the best things I have found so far to use for them, is Di-Gesic, which is a pain relief medication stronger than Panadeine Forte, but less than morphine. Two tablets... usually stops them in their tracks without ongoing issues. You take them like panadol, when and only when the headaches persist, in lieu of constantly doping the body with some other medication.

Then I tried one more time after that to use an outside distraction to help me forget things, or just to work myself to exhaustion.

What you need to learn, is that you cannot forget your past or your experience. The sooner you come to terms with that, the less issue it will cause you in the scheme of things, and every bit counts now with PTSD. We all do it, have done it... and you are really heading in a totally positive direction with your attitude and commonsense approach. Please keep thinking and doing what you are, because it will work for you.

I have a lot of nights where sleep will not come, and some days where I just can not wake up.

Don't worry too much about sleep at this moment. I understand it causes total disruption to your life, but it is a symptom of the cause, and you cannot treat symptoms, which I believe you have learnt... you can only treat the cause which will in effect subside / remove the symptoms. Trauma is the cause, nothing more. That is what I will help you with primarily James.

I can't go shopping at Christmas time, and shopping at any other time of year is a stressful affair. I'm not even able to go to a movie theater and enjoy a show because the crowds make me so nervous that I worry about having a flashback, or other episode.

I guarantee you that you'll be doing these things in 2010 if you stick with this.

I have had episodes of rage that I can't explain to anyone, not even myself. I will flip out and break things, then a few minutes later, after calming down, will feel horrible and apologize profusely.

Perfectly normal as to the stage you are at. Don't worry about it.

I'm starting to see the injuries that I didn't feel at the time, and don't know how to close the wounds.

Yep... we never see this one coming. Whilst PTSD cannot be cured, it can be treated and it can be managed. To heal your trauma is the first stage of the process though. You can talk trauma to death, but if you don't find the resolution for the negative emotion and thoughts you have, then talking about it achieves nothing at the end of the day, because you still have nightmares, anxiety, flashbacks, dissociation and so forth based on the negative emotion and stigma surrounding your traumatic experiences.

I don't believe that it is a mood disorder, because I can be in a great mood, while at the same time completely livid about something inconsequential.

PTSD is not a mood disorder, however; it does entail one within it, however; you should never be diagnosed with a mood disorder if it wasn't present before trauma. The mood variation is a symptom of PTSD.

I have to say from browsing around, that I think I will be more comfortable here, just because the people here will be able to relate better to my history and my problems.

Yer... the veteran issue is beginning to get out of hand now, hence why I started this one the other month. Once I finish the holiday period and completing the ptsdforum.org upgrade, basically around February my time will be here building this site with relevant content based towards veterans and assisting them to heal.

It is actually easier for me to help veterans due to our military training and can do attitude. The majority of soldiers have a healthy / high self esteem from training, and that is what aids a much faster recovery from trauma with veterans over civilians who have PTSD from other traumatic events.

Look forward to helping you out James... though I will only be in and out of this place periodically over the next month.

 

[BioHazard]

Nice to meet you, Anthony, and you do have two great forums here. As I said before, I found PTSDForum.org first, and browsed it for a few days before registering, then found combatptsd.org right after I finished registering, so I decided to register here, as well. You have some terrific information on there, and the people all seem very supportive and helpful. I'm just not very comfortable talking about my issues, especially with civilians. This place feels more like the place I need to be.

You seem to know a lot about this disorder, and that makes me more confident about asking questions here.

 

[dave1]

James, this is a good place to talk to others who are dealing with symtoms similar to yours brought on by events that you may identify with. There are years of experiences and some hard earned answers that help deal with some of our reactions. Thanks for being honest and thank you for seeking answers.

 

[anthony]

I will try and pop into here over the next couple of weeks to read and answer anything anyone has, though it will be choppy as I am on holidays until mid Jan now. Have a great new year all.

 

[BioHazard]

Hope you have a great holiday!