Sexual Assault The Nightmares Are Back - Muru's Story

[Muruluisku]

The nightmares are back again. I wonder if the GP could give me some sleeping pills because I'm getting scared to go to sleep at all? When I wake up from the nightmare I am completely lost from here and now. I'm back in the bad place, being hurt.
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The baddie uncle has come to me at night many times now. I usually know when he'll come when mummy says she's tired and needs some space. She usually goes to see her sister, my auntie who only lives down the road. Daddy gives me funny tasting Fanta before bed. It makes me feel sick these days but I drink it because it kinda makes me feel better. Sort of floppy.

I'm also very good at climbing out of my window and into my climbing tree when the baddie uncle comes. He always has the special rubbery sheet with him so that I don't make mess on my bed. I hate me being bad and bleeding. Baddie uncle says I shouldn't bleed anymore, I should be used to it by now.

I kinda am too, I can't hear the other little girl crying in my bedroom so much anymore when I'm up in my climbing tree. And when I climb back down, usually when the baddie uncle pulls the sheet off under me, there's not always blood there... But sometimes there is.

I also make sure I put my knickers in the rubbish bin in the morning if there's blood in them because I don't want mummy to take me to doctor's again. I make sure the knickers are well hidden in the bin so mummy won't get angry with me.

Mummy buys me more knickers and sometimes she asks what happens to them, why do I always run out? Usually I don't say anything, sometimes I point to my dolls so mummy thinks they've hidden my knickers. I don't like dolls anymore. The baddie uncle tells me I'm his doll.

Whe he's been to hurt me at night I don't want to do anything the next day. Mummy has started to do childminding so that I have other children to play with. (In the country I grew up in, Finland, children don't go to school until they're 7 years old. They start pre-school at 6.)

Mummy says I should play with the other children. Sometimes I do but if the baddie uncle has been to hurt me I just want to lie down on the sofa and watch the others play. My body often feels burning or sometimes I feel really cold and shivery. Mum sometimes gives me Calpol and says I shouldn't stay out in the garden late at night because that's how I catch these colds. I like to climb up into my climbing tree and stay there until it's bed time. It's safe there, no adults can get there.

I try my best to be good so that mummy doesn't get tired of me and go to see her sister when it's bed time. I'm not very good at being good. When it seems I'm doing okay and the baddie uncle hasn't come for many nights I do something stupid like knock over my glass of milk, shout or giggle too loud with the other children, can't finish my dinner or get my clothes dirty or ripped in my climbing tree. I hate being bad but I don't seem to be able to stop it.

Just when I think I'm doing alright the baddie uncle comes at night and I remember something I did that day or a few days prior was probably why he had to come and punish me. He says I need to be taught a lesson for being bad. He says if I tell anyone something really really bad will happen. I'm not sure what that would be, but things are bad enough, I don't want them to get worse.

Sometimes I make myself hurt to see if the baddie uncle would stay away if I hurt myself first. I make myself fall off climbing frames, knock my head on the sharp corner of a table, scrape my knee or arm against a sharp rock to make me bleed. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.
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Even though I'm 27 now and should know that it wasn't my fault I feel like I'm just bad to the core. No matter how hard I try I mess things up and then I wait something bad to happen. I still hurt myself just in case I can stop something worse from happening by doing it.

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

Muru, my dear, dear Muru, it was never your fault! Never ever could have been! And your mother didn´t leave because you had done something wrong, you were always good... This horrible bad person just manipulated you to feel that way, but it was never your fault, he did it because he was bad, really, really very bad!

Try to ask your GP about sleeping pills and lets see what she says, I have zerro personal experience with them... It may be helpful and I am pretty sure she will be understanding about this issue and can offer you some options. Not all sleeping pills are addictive and it may be only a short-term solution. Don´t be ashamed to ask her about your concerns. She is here to help you.

Nothing wrong will happen to you right now, you are safe, you are doing nothing wrong, please, don´t hurt yourself, you are really, really very good and you deserve to feel safe... My friend always said when I cut my palms a few times that it hurts him when I am doing so... This is how it feels to those who care about us. People who care don´t want you to suffer, to feel any pain, they want to protect you and you deserve to be protected... I don´t want you to be hurt and I am deeply sorry about your urge to hurt youself - I know that feeling and it brings a lot of self blame, but please, never blame yourself for doing so (although I really can not aprove that), you are good... And don´t be ashamed for this... It is good to be open about self-injuring, being honest... I am indeed deeply sorry that you are going through this, but I don´t judge you, I know it from my own experience, there is little consciousness while doing so, it is not your fault... I am always here, listening and I care about you. Write anytime you feel anxious or alone, try to call some friends - this is even better, so you could hear somebody´s soothing voice instantly, it could stop you from self-harm - don´t be ashamed to ask for help, you deserve it. You are good and you have always been. Even if you sometimes do something you consider not perfect, you still deserve love and care and you always remain good... Please, keep this in mind. Write something like that down and read it anytime you feel anxious. You are good and you are safe. It is all gone. You are not alone. You are good.

Do you live with somebody? Maybe it would be helpful not to sleep alone in your room? If you have a good friend, she could sometimes stay overnight so you could just wake her up in case you have a nightmare and she would try to comfort you? Or maybe try some other things as well, like sleeping with the light on or having something like classical music playing on the background, maybe you could try having some flowers or a candle or another source of nice smell in your room, just things that would remind you where you are at this particular moment, that you are safe and no one will cause you any harm...

Also to me it is helpful to do something pleasant before I go to bed to avoid bad dreams - like watching a bit of a movie I like, listening to my favourite song, reading books I like, calling my good friends, laughing... Or - I don´t know if you are religious - I try to remeber to pray right before I go to bed and it makes me feel safer if I do it. Or simply try doing anything that makes you feel well and safe.

Take care, my dear, dear Muru... <3

 

[Muruluisku]

Bluebird *safe, comfort hug* thank you for being so patient with me *deep sigh* it's so good to know you guys here genuinely care what I write.

I made another appt with my GP for Monday so I can ask about sleeping pills... I wonder whether there are any that could stop the nightmares?

Whenever I have a friend staying over in my little flat they sleep next to me cause I have a big double bed, which is half filled with cuddly teddies and other soft things to make me feel safer when I sleep alone (childish...I know). My friends know to wake me up by now, if I have a nightmare. They usually wake up first cause apparently I start struggling and crying out loud... It's a bit embarrassing so I avoid staying over at any friend's that I don't know really well, or ask anyone over if Im not sure how they would react to my nightmares. It's a bit hard to make friends when I'm so guarded... And the few good friends that I have don't really know my story cause I worry they wouldn't like me if they knew the disgusting truth.

Thank you for the great practical tips! I don't really like strong smells, but I like the idea of some flowers in a vase on my bedside table, that I can look at and smell when I wake up.. Although would it be a bit extravagant to keep buying fresh flowers just for myself?

And the classical music is a good idea too, then maybe I would come back from the bad place quicker when I hear it straight away after I've woken up :)

In the evenings I like to listen to music, play my accordion and soak in the bath to relax.. Although when I don't feel safe I tend to keep busy doing chores or exercise so that I'm good and give no reason for any more baddies to hurt me. I should know that I'm safe now cause I am, but when I get worried or stressed it doesn't feel safe to relax... It's a bit of a vicious cycle :(

Thank you again my lovely Bluebird *shuffling to sit a bit closer to you* and for everyone who has the time and patience for my story.

<3: Muru

 

[cherryblossom]

I wonder whether there are any that could stop the nightmares?

I find that when I take sleeping pills I don't suffer from nightmares. I don't know whether I don't have nightmares, or whether I still have nightmares but that I don't remember them because of the pills.

 

[Melp283]

Fresh flowers might be expensive, but they are lovely to wake up to :) You could also do fake flowers and an essential oil diffuser.
*Hugs* Muru we are right here with you :)

 

[Muruluisku]

That's also a good idea Mel, and thank you for staying with me *drawing comfort from your hug*

I got some sleeping pills today, and will try them tonight. My GP said they should relax me and help me fall asleep but he couldn't give me anything that would take the nightmares away.

Mabe these will at least help me stop the vicious cycle where I get more anxious every night and eventually start avoiding sleeping...I can't take them every night though because they are addictive.

<3: Muru