Kimpersonal-my expectations remain quite constantly low of other, at times, I have some hope of loved ones, then am disappointed. Of myself, I raise my expectations only to feel hopeless and crawl back under the covers for another day. I am trying to have more faith, but I am somewhat paralized by my own fears and dispair.
I went to a meeting tonight with strangers. I openly shared and even shed tears in front of this group of people that I dont know.This is very hard for me because I have a hard time feeling weak and do not want sympathy under any conditions. The women told me my husband (seperated for 8 yrs had me brainwashed). They said I needed a good attorney and to move on from this hostage situation. After the meeting was over, a gentleman in the meeting said he needed to talk to me. In the hall, he took my hand (like people do when they are about to share strenght and encouragement. That is what I expected when I allowed him to take my hand. Instead, he handed me money for food. I immediately pushed it back and thanked him and said that I could not take it. He said, yes you can, I dont need it and you do, with kindness in his eyes he pushed in back in my hand and walked away. I was dumb founded. I cried all the way home.
I genuinely opened up-which is very hard for me to do. I did not want or expect some handout.It is not even permitted at these meetings. I have have been so touched all evening. The reason for my sharing this was that I have little money right now. It often comes down to have $50, no gas, not dogfood, no food, no toilet paper etc. and I dont know how to stretch it. In the past I have taken it to a slot machine and ended up broke and depressed worse. I said that I currently have had $100 for for food but have not left my house since friday to even buy mild because I need to plan better and my ex makes me feel like I robbed him to get this $100. I will go to the store when I have a list and energy to do my best and am prepared. I didnt expect help from anyone, just support that others have been there.
The thing is, nobody has ever done something like this for me in my whole life. I am 53 and I have sisters that are still complaining that I might have eaten the bacon that they deserved when I was 3 years old. I am still self depriving and self destructive as a result. My health shows it now. My husband married me, I am sure because I am like a work horse without expectations. After 8yrs of seperation, he still wants me back. But he comes and eats any food I have and if I ask him for $50 he acts like Im stealing from him. He as even said he feels used. I would rather self destruct alone, all by myself.
This stranger has given me a tad of hope that there are good people out there and it is so out of my realm of thinking that I dont now what to do with this feeling. I dont even know his name. There was a time when I had money and was very generous. I dont now because I was the way this man was. I guess I just thought there are no caring people. Its complicated-my thoughts. But I expect nothing of others. So when something like this happens, Im puzzled. Maybe it is a message from God.
