The Rising Costs Of Having Ptsd (not Just Money)

[Kimpersonal]

Now that I wrote the title ... I'm too pissed off and feel too much sorrow to actually write the words. This disorder has stolen too much from my bank account ... my relationships ... my "self". Ugh. :notworthy:

When the cup is empty of everything but the ability to view happiness vicariously through others ... I fill mine with tears.

 

[Hashi]

I can relate to this, and I'm sorry for the pain and loss you're feeling.

I keep an art journal, and I once put a mock "Police Theft Report" in it, listing things that had been stolen from me by trauma. It was heartbreaking.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

When the cup is empty of everything but the ability to view happiness vicariously through others ... I fill mine with tears.

((((Kimpersonal))) Wow, that's a very profound statement!

I so very much much relate to it as well.

I also empathize with your sorrow and pain, hope you find some peace.

Doing relaxing, calm things like sitting at the beach, are the only things that help me.

 

[melody]

(((Kimpersonal))) I have absolutely felt the same way and figured you needed a hug... Hope today finds you feeling a little better.

 

[Kimpersonal]

Hashi ... I like the mock police report idea ... it probably was hard to write and sad to read over again? Especially when house insurance does not cover these sorts of losses.

Flyingsolo ... relaxing and calming are new to my vocabulary ... I am "working" at relaxing (do you see the oddness of that? lol.) Thanks for your empathy!

(((( Melody )))) It is always great to have a hug! Thank you! And yes, a little better. I would still like to win even a small jackpot though. lol

 

[mamachick]

Kimpersonal I am so sorry for your being robbed too, I feel your pain. I am wishing you a jackpot

 

[Kimpersonal]

Kimpersonal I am so sorry for your being robbed too, I feel your pain. I am wishing you a jackpot

I will share generously with you if I win! One dollar for you ... and one for me. That is where my "luck" sits. 2 bucks! Don't spend it all at once, okay?

 

[TeddySue]

Now that I wrote the title ... I'm too pissed off and feel too much sorrow to actually write the words. This disorder has stolen too much from my bank account ... my relationships ... my "self". Ugh. :notworthy:

Who I was and who I planned to be are very vague, even though I can look back at snippets of my life and be amazed at all the things I did do. I think, the losses we feel in relationships and self, should be brought up to date and measured with the past things we HAVE accomplished. For me, each thing I accomplished was either let go of, or taken. But didn't I allow others to take my happiness and accomplishments away from me? Didn't I self-punish myself for all the things that happened and all the people who put the blame on me? I hope you can finish your statements because I would really like to hear what you have to say.

 

[Kimpersonal]

Hi TeddySue. Thank you for your reply on this thread. Your questions ... the didn't I questions ... prompt me to think about responsibility for actions / non-actions and the consequences of them.

It is as if I construct a framework for my life and make headway on a path that looks good at the outset. The dreams of better days expand into goals that I want to achieve. Whether that goal is a healthy relationship or a better job (promotion) or plans to help others and myself ... they are indeed great goals to keep my feet moving and my mind a bit more focussed.

It takes two to make a healthy relationship and I have chosen partners that I hope will have the ability to read my mind ... because I do my best to read their needs and meet them before they are spoken. I was "trained" to do this from becoming a child-caregiver for a mentally ill mother who would abuse me if I couldn't get it just right. I gravitate towards "people-pleasing" ... yet do not expect others to please me in return ... I resist it in fact. The feeling of being dependent on somebody ... for anything ... makes me inwardly cringe. What happens on the outside is that my partners feel pushed away. Eventually they leave or become insecure because they feel unneeded or that their gestures are unwanted and their insecurity becomes yet another problem I feel shame for causing. So I work even harder to please them by doing MORE for them than before ... still resisting their help and their concern for me. Do you see my cycle? Yes, I need therapy ... skills ... and practice at trusting a hand trying to feed me. But who should be the next guinea pig to help me overcome this fear? I wish such a burden on no man ... nobody deserves it. There's one dream self-sabotaged.

So, I isolate ... not wanting to hurt anybody anymore ... and focus on the job. The better I perform, the more demands that get placed in my capable hands and as my responsibilities grow, so does my income (by meagre amounts that do not keep up with inflation, right? lol). I take as much on as I possibly can to prove my worth ... prove my value ... and to earn respect. Until I am overloaded with expectations that can no longer be met because they are not humanly possible and I mess up a few things trying to "git 'er done"! I receive a letter of criticism for a perceived loss of formerly excellent performance. This angers me (self-directed but recognizing authority figures often cannot be pleased). I MUST DO MORE ... and I must do it better I tell myself. I am ready to crack under the pressure. To relieve the pressure, I take a very short break to grab a coffee and decide to just scan the days headlines in the paper. It is something about a coach being terminated for sexual abuse. A mother going to court for abandoning her infant in an alley. A kid taking a weapon to school to protect himself from bullies. I break down crying and cannot contain it. The boss sees and tells me to take a few days off to get my head straight. Those days turn into 3 months on disability because of suicidal ideation ... I am soon to go on long term disability while I wait for a seat in a DBT program. My income has dropped to 60% of what it used to be (100% never covered the rising costs to live while working).

I've worked my butt off ... but now my butt is widening from sitting on it all day feeling like an utter loser in the game of life. Survival of the fittest ... dog eat dog. I love my dog and I am lucky to have her, why would I eat her? Sure, I can be a bitch but I won't stoop THAT low to eat my own species trying to eat me alive! lol. So who am I, after all is said and done?

Quote: "I am made out of a variety of flaws, stitched together with the best intentions" (author unknown). I am trying to keep myself warm knowing I am a caring person who doesn't know how to accept what is reciprocated. I don't know and never trust the threads that might be attached to someone's kindness. This ratted up blanket from my childhood has got to go! But as soon as I throw it in the trash I cry, because it means the heavy work of making another blanket that might look the same if I cannot stop my self-defeating cycle. The one that keeps me feeling like a doormat. It is a pathetic sort of martyr mentality and I see that. But I have not figured out what other role to play (yet!). God willing, I will move up to the position of a sponge soaking up (DBT) ways to make a fresh start and be a healthier person to live with for myself ... and others.

I hope that better explains where I was when I wrote the initial message. Lost in a dark despair and afraid to open my eyes to let light in. I am seeing a bit better today. There is still a long way to go, but because of the people here, I sure feel less alone. There are great examples of courage and will power and positive outlook ... maybe if I follow their footsteps?

I can tell you have been in similar shoes. Thanks again for encouraging me to express what these shoes are like and that I should probably find a better pair. :barefoot:

Can you tell me a bit about your situation now? I am all feet, all eyes and all ears if you decide to share.

Kim.

 

[mamachick]

Kim, thank you for sharing what is going on with you. Ptsd does rob us of so very much. It robs us of setting healthy boundaries, our self esteem, and coping skills. When we loose those things, isolation seems the reasonable solution. I have been doing that for much too long and working on it. Its hard to get out of as I seem to have no motivation or initiative to change. Well it ties into not having money to do anything as well. I experience the same. I am glad to hear that you will be starting a program when a seat is available. That is hopeful.

For me, a partner relationship is impossible at this time. I know I must heal myself before I am capable of participating in any real way with a partner. I know the feeling of having low expectations of others, and in recent times, I have come to expect little of myself. (Im not proud of that-believe me). I hope your treatment helps and hang in there. Sending strength and blessings your way

 

[TeddySue]

PTSD and what it costs:

I'm totally taken back at the language you speak, as if we were from the same culture that says, who am I and what am I doing here; where a vacation is spent in hibernation, and we've paid a handsome price to live here.

If I dare say that I have lost everything that I thought I was, and ended up being this stranger inside my own body, I would have to add that I have everything but what I wanted. A husband I knew for 3 weeks before marrying ended up being a pedophile I sent to prison for the rest of his life. 35 years I've spent being his wife, and I never, ever knew him. He took my self worth and my plan for a future and left me with drool hanging out my mouth, in a stupor of darkness, and a raging vocabulary of word vomit that no one can figure out...

I, too was a people-pleaser who went from person to person giving and giving, hopeful that someone would need me enough to not throw me away. My parents threw me away. My so-called-mother and so-called father were blessed with Munchhausen by Proxy and I was their so-called damaged child they had to tell everyone about; never mind that it was they who damaged me with their cold, harsh attempt to raise one child to be their verbal punching bag.

When her brother molested me and I told her, she told me, "do not make trouble, he's all I have left of my family." And what did that make me? My own so-called-father sexually abused me and when I told my mother, she spent the next decades telling me how evil he was and forbid me to have anything to do with him while she sat in the kitchen with him for supper, laughing and whispering while I was given a plate of food and told to go watch tv. The doors were locked and I was told to go play.

I could go on and on... but what I'm saying is that my "upbringing" taught me to keep seeking something I would never find: someone who would be pleased with my efforts to please. If I found out about someone's need, I ran to fulfill that need, not only giving what they needed but giving what they didn't want or need, too. I was sure, every time, THIS will be the time when it pays off. The first three years of a child's life are very important to build trust; without ever bonding or trusting, a child spends the rest of their life trying to replace and never finding a replacement for a mother's love.

 

[TeddySue]

It takes two to make a healthy relationship and I have chosen partners that I hope will have the ability to read my mind ... because I do my best to read their needs and meet them before they are spoken. I was "trained" to do this from becoming a child-caregiver for a mentally ill mother who would abuse me if I couldn't get it just right. I gravitate towards "people-pleasing" ... yet do not expect others to please me in return ... I resist it in fact. The feeling of being dependent on somebody ... for anything ... makes me inwardly cringe.

Were you ever given any credit for what you did for your mother, or was it taken for granted that you were the sole caregiver while the rest of the family lived a life of their choosing? Or were you the scapegoat? I was well "trained" to listen to the hours of replay of my so-called parents earlier life together and I wish I had not heard a tenth of it. It was gruesome and filled with how horrible my so-called father was; so WHY stay with him all those years??? And he, I believe molested me and then rejected me for the sole reason to get back at her. He was nasty, vulgar, mean, abusive, and he did not hide it. I remember one time he was going to beat me for bad grades when I was 8; she screamed at him, "DON'T you DARE touch her!" And them I knew, she had known what he did before I told her at age 5. I paid the rest of their lives for "ruining" their marriage. I was made to believe I OWED them something and it was never paid. This is why I believe I can not accept others trying to please me; why I resist this so fully that other people think I am ungrateful. When you are taught to do it all with no pleasure gotten in return, you DO resist others attempts to be nice. I know that cringing feeling, too.

So, I isolate ... not wanting to hurt anybody anymore ...

May I ask you, are you content to hibernate? I find it such a good feeling to be inside my humble abode where no one can judge me or reject me. Having taken the blame for my so-called parents "bad marriage," and being such a "sorry child" (which she loved to call me), I grew up "knowing" I was a bad person who hurt people. So when confronted with a trigger, I instantly react negatively and this hurts people... then I can say, SEE, I knew I was bad.

I've worked my butt off ... but now my butt is widening from sitting on it all day feeling like an utter loser in the game of life. Survival of the fittest ... dog eat dog. I love my dog and I am lucky to have her, why would I eat her? Sure, I can be a bitch but I won't stoop THAT low to eat my own species trying to eat me alive! lol. So who am I, after all is said and done?

From one wide butt to another, I understand how this happens to bottom dwellers who shun the light of day. And also from one animal lover to another, our pets have been a lifeline where humans have failed us. Good question, "who am I, after all is said and done?" I believe in God and His plan for our lives. I do not blame Him for what has happened to me because it was humans who betrayed and rejected me. JMO