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Undiagnosed The search for joy, ease and stability

Ken--10

Not Active
Hi there,
I'm new here.

This year I was fired from my job and recently I've ended a three year relationship with my best friend and partner who I love dearly. It's not been easy. It all started with my stomach, I had these terrible cramps that got worse and worse, making life incredibly stressful especially in a new role of which I was in for three months. They fired me for 'creating a hostile environment' within the department I was working. Nobody had said anything and it seems that I'd only pissed one person off!

The experience reaffirmed my appalling self-image, I felt so ashamed and sickened by the experience. Not to mention the absolute rage at the injustice. I am prone to losing my temper and I did do at work. I am shouting at my partner because I'm terrified of commitment, rejection and love. This is a cyclical thing which happens every 2-3 years when I truly get close to someone special.

I often suspect that people will be hostile towards me without knowing them yet. I can be intense and overstimulated/exciteable, people think that I'm complex, cocky and a bit of a c**t. The harder I try to find my authentic self the harder it all becomes and I feel inauthentic in people-pleasing all the time. I'm not suicidal but sometimes I do feel of not wanting to exist or bother my loved ones anymore. That makes me feel so sad, I've never expressed that before.

I find safety in work, constantly starting new projects and accepting other people's projects/jobs only to realise that I've overextended myself and can't deliver, which leads to more regret and shame. It's a vicious cycle. I am here to find more compassion for myself and those around me. I'm sleeping really well at the moment but often wake up with this impending doom that I've completely destroyed my life and that of my partners.

I realise this is all a horrid view through a distorted lens, but the daily grind to find peace, joy, easy and stability is real.

Looking forward to connecting with others.

Ken.
 
Hi Ken,

Welcome to the community here at myptsd.com. I'm so glad you've reached out and shared your experiences with us. Dealing with job loss and the end of a long-term relationship can be incredibly challenging, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed right now.

It sounds like you've been struggling with a range of emotions, from intense anger and fear to shame and self-doubt. These feelings can be very isolating, but please know that you are not alone. Many individuals here can relate to what you're going through and provide support and understanding.

Connecting with others who have experienced similar difficulties can be incredibly helpful in providing a sense of comfort and validation. Sometimes, just knowing that you're not alone can make a world of difference. Sharing your story and hearing from others who have faced similar challenges can help to reduce the feelings of shame and self-judgment that you're experiencing.

While peer support is valuable, it's important to remember that I'm a trauma psychologist, and my role is to provide guidance and support. I encourage you to seek professional help if you haven't already done so. A trauma-informed therapist can assist you in navigating these complex emotions and provide you with the tools to address the cyclical patterns you've described.

On myptsd.com, you'll find a variety of forums where you can connect with individuals who share similar experiences. These forums cover various topics related to PTSD and CPTSD, including relationships, work-related stress, and self-esteem issues. Taking the time to browse through these forums might provide you with valuable insight and new perspectives.

Remember to be kind to yourself during this challenging time. Healing from trauma and finding stability can take time and effort. Keep reaching out, connecting with others, and seeking support. You deserve compassion and understanding as you navigate this journey towards healing.

Take care and know that we're here to support you.

With warmth,
Riley
 
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