The Unhoused Mind - C-trauma And The Sense Of Never Belonging

[sun seeker]

Okay. I'll do my best to write about my spiritual beliefs. I want to stress that there is some space between what I believe and my actual experience of life. I don't want to give the impression of having figured it all out. I can strongly relate to much of what you are experiencing, the early trauma, the feeling that you will never trust anyone. But anyway:

First, I believe in reincarnation, but not in karma in the sense you are using the word. We are eternal souls that separated a long time ago from the source, what one might call God, to move outward and have experiences and find our way back to that source. In that sense we are all part of God. We come into each incarnation with the same "soul group", a certain number of other souls we have lived with in other lifetimes, in other roles. Where there have been problems, we might try a different role in the next lifetime to get the experience from a different perspective. So yes, it seems that sometimes we are hurt by people we are close to in ways we ourselves have hurt others, but this isn't karma in the sense of "an eye for an eye." It doesn't make us bad people, doesn't mean we have to pay for what we did wrong. It's just a chance to have the same experience "from both sides now" like in Joni Mitchell's song. If we work on ourselves and gain understanding of an issue, we don't have any need to repeat it in the next lifetime. You're new here, but I've shared a bit about my relationship with my mother, which is problematic to say the least. One reason I feel urgency to resolve our relationship is that I am afraid if I don't, the same hurtful cycle will continue next time around. It's probably possible to come to a resolution within one's own mind/soul, even if the others involved are unwilling. A friend who is an astrologer did charts for me, my mother and my daughter. Both of them are very cold and rejecting of me. The friend says our charts make a circle, and I'm not sure what that means in astrological terms except that she says the way they are with me, I was with them in another lifetime. Ouch.

In this sense, I believe suicide is always a bad idea, though I do think about it when I am really desperate. As we are eternal souls on an evolving path, there are certain experiences necessary to our evolution that we can only have in the physical realm, which is why we keep reincarnating. We get to a certain point in each lifetime, then our bodies wear out and we die, whereupon we can take some time to rest and have other experiences before we are ready to come back. Suicide cuts short the time we were supposed to have to experience our current lifetime, and when we come back, we go through similar experiences all over again because we didn't finish them last time. Kind of like having to repeat a grade in school.

Someone else asked whether the spirituality of a traumatized person is different from that of others. I would say so. This is where I am fumbling for words to describe what I mean. Umm... A person with early trauma may have very real spiritual and psychic abilities because they haven't fully incarnated. This can be in a very literal sense as in holes in the aura which let in other energies, or the soul residing outside of the body a lot of the time. There are certain specific experiences humans are hardwired for and if we don't have them at the crucial time, we don't develop normally. This affects the brain, the body, and also the spiritual body. What people usually mean when they talk about boundaries is the ability to set limits with other people, but there are also psychic boundaries in the sense of the development of a distinct spiritual body that is separate from those of others. This last is actually in Healing Developmental Trauma, and it explains a lot.

So someone with early developmental trauma has a strong spiritual connection for these reasons, and also because life in the physical realm feels so unwelcoming that we are always searching for some meaning to it all. This differs from what you might call a more grounded spirituality. I explained above my belief that we come into the physical to have certain experiences. When we don't fully incarnate, we may have a strong connection to the spiritual, but we don't have our feet firmly on the ground, and we are missing out on the 3D experiences we are supposed to be having. One example might be someone who spends a lot of time meditating on their past lives to the point of failing to live this one.

I don't see auras myself, but I have friends who do. They tell me I have both very good roots and a very strong aura around my upper body, but a barrier between the two at the level of the second chakra. People familiar with chakras will immediately read "sexual abuse" into that, and they would be right, in addition to some other stuff. I can actually feel a frequent tingling at the level of the crown chakra, which is our connection to the spiritual realm - but it doesn't flow through the rest of my body and I can't feel a connection to the earth. The earth is supposed to be like our mother. We need to feel at home on the earth first, before reaching for the sky. Oh dear, I know what I want to say here but I'm not sure it's coming out right. I'm also getting numb hands because we're having a cold snap in my part of the country and I am feeling the need to bring in some more firewood.

I once let my daughter cry herself to sleep when she was a baby, and I feel terrible whenever I think about it. I was so exhausted it seemed like the only option, but poor baby. I remembered that when you brought it up as something that happened to you. I only did it once because it really didn't feel right, and actually I told her about it a while ago and how sorry I was, and she forgave me. But I still feel bad about it.

Anyway... I'm happy to share, and happy to read about other people's beliefs, as long as we keep it respectful. I don't want to get into any religious arguments. I respect everyone's beliefs and mine are not dogmatic as they continue to evolve. This is where I am today.

 

[rightkindofme]

sun seeker--honey, babies do sometimes cry themselves to sleep. Even when they have a parent there who loves them. Doing it a few times without you because you had to take care of yourself... that is part of the balance of life. I know it is hard.

We matter too. Even though they are babies and so helpless... we matter too.

Ok, I'll stop my digression. Sorry. (Sorta.) :)

 

[sun seeker]

Hi rightkindof me, thanks for your kind words. I actually do know that the way this happened was hurtful and wrong, but I really appreciate your kindness.

 

[Tinyflame]

I too would hope to hear @sun seeker 's thoughts, thank you. :hug:

In the meantime, something came to me, & it's over-&-above the discussion of attachment. (I too relate to the feeling/thoughts/ fears @rightkindofme expresses about being the source of others' pain. Hugs btw @rightkindofme ).

I heard something, & not withstanding that I've struggled with this for years, came the question if I am not home, am I lost? But more importantly, after reading @sun seeker 's post I felt kind of badly about myself, or how I came to believe what I do (ie if it is/ was trauma induced). But then I felt so much better today after what I heard- that is one tremendous positive I 'received' from childhood trauma then. :notworthy: :)

It occurred to me, (& @Tanishq said in another thread) that 'home' is where we are loved & can love, & be ourselves. I heard something today that makes me think, 'home' is a sacred place. Just as there are sacred places such as in nature, or the description of the 'sacred space' between individuals wherein they respect & care for one another, & embrace each other 'as is', that is even the differences.

I am wondering, we are familiar with the 'sacredness' of nature, or a baby, or certain places. And I mean the term even without any religious connotation, rather what we value or virtually all can intuitively sense has value or worth, or we have a reverence or gentle care for. (Unfortunately, this is rarely for ourselves). But 'we' are all 'sacred' too, however our treatment often hasn't been indicative of that. And then we go on to view ourselves & treat ourselves the same way.

So perhaps 'home' includes who, what +/or where we treat others and are treated or viewed with reverence. (And I'm not referring to that meaning dis-passionately or without 'human-ness'. But that basic reverence is present.) And that would include safety, etc, & so many components we try to think of as being part of 'home' (ideally).

If we know that we have that 'sacredness' perhaps we also can become comfortable in our own skin too?

And truth. For example, I recalled a particularly bad/sad/frightening/desperate/dangerous/exhausted time where I almost seriously contemplated whether I could hide over-night under a church stairwell & be guaranteed not to be found. If I had gambled, it would have been terrifying night but a shelter. If I had a guarantee to not be found it would have been a night of refuge but a source of shame & guilt & further reinforced my self-concept of brokenness, & further fractured within me the knowledge of 'how I appeared' vs what the real reality was (ptsd included). But if I could have been honest, & if I had the self-knowledge & lack of denial to admit what I couldn't do or bear, & somehow that was accepted & acknowledged & not condemned, then the stairwell would have truly been a home for one night.

So I would say 'home' is in the heart & in the head and requires a view or cherishing/ care of others & ourselves. If that makes sense.. (I am unlike you @missbliss no writer! :) )

 

[mil]

@missbliss ...you're the only other person I've ever heard with this dilemma.

For me, it's womb related, of this I am sure. I get panic attacks in water, yet I crave it. Almost drown.freak out.its so frustrating. Since then, I've learned how to holdmyself (wrap arms around),breathe, and some awful flashbacks came thru.Purposeful,intentional womb distress.It never was a safe haven.

Second womb prob: not bonding, even to my own birth mom. It was in-utero dna specific messing.which destroyed any felt, familiar(family)contract between our cells.I have no felt connection. Both mother/child so distressed,no nutrients were left. Had to take synthetic bonding hormone to stay alive,period.as I was constantly un-thrivable.in my situation. It was all I knew...so I dont feel sorry,as much angry they'd tamper.you know? Really angry, now that i'm understanding how I, as an adult, have to live,somehow,with this severe lack. Its been so much work.breathing,feeling,concentrating.24/7.

I relaxed into being homeless this time (instead of stressing like before) until I met someone I had a felt connection to. A person will ground me in place - That was the idea. (Connection issue... I have one chance memory of bonding to draw from(thank god theres something), when I was 1yr old, my "brother", but we really just shared symptoms of same dna experimentation,which felt like a desperate, crawl-inside-his-skin-so-I-can-stay-alive, sort of neurotic i'm-dying without you near me sort of bond. Yeah, it complicates my adult relationships....)

So I move in and our bond "holds"me.there. (even to the point I was enduring abuse; such craving to make it work for the addictive drug of human connection). It eventually blew up. but I feel I progressed. And got out without too much damage. While there, all I could do was deal with emotional nuances(flashbacks) connected with "home". I was max'd out.SO much exhausting emotional work. I gave myself permission, to run(leave) and/or sleep in car,while I couldn't handle the pressure/overload,which I did .......determined to get thru this.

They ran me out of my first original "house"(womb), and I've had difficulties with every house thereafter.

 

[mil]

@missbliss I dont bond to T's either. they know *nothing*, experientially, of what I've been through. and it pisses me off on levels I cant even speak to at times. like I hate them for sitting there telling-me-how to cope.

Something I did not want, but I got, for better or worse:

I had one terrible person/relationship that opened up a corner of my personal inside antarctica, and while I dont nec. recommend it (i never would have chosen this)... it was a very forceful dude, insisting on being in my life. I literally couldnt get away. and we had a powerful (understatement) connection. Terrifying. I screamed when he got close. It was horrifying. And I had weird hairbrained triggers, popping out, taking over my actions, trying to make him kill us/me (didnt know then about "parts" split off, etc). Maybe trying to prove we would die because he was too close? I dunno. Worst relationship.ever. handsdown. Police called. numerous times. And yet, I had no desire to hurt him. And I felt (sounds crazy, but true) his benevolence. I was sure he didnt intend harm. Though something in me nearly insisted on it. I still wonder if I should've sent me or him to jail. It was hell.(and yet I'll forever revere ever crossing paths, now that it's over).... i'm a bit less separate. Maybe I know I didnt die...? Did come close several times.though.

 

[missbliss]

Dear, dear @sun seeker. I understand what you did convey. Completely. And agree with your viewpoint of spirituality as well. I never got that we were here to see things from the other person's perspective when reincarnating - for me that was never clear. Thank you for this important learning because it takes off a heavy burden from me in many respects.

From being a very *shy* child, I grew into a sensitive girl whose sensitivity was pounced upon. Boundaries? What boundaries. I believed everyone spoke the truth. Guillable. Then taken advantage. It was these episodes of being preyed on - literally - that made me begin the move into isolation. For no other reason than - not to be hurt any more. Compounded with medical issues that started cropping up from 12 onwards - it was all I could do but to fight for my life - steering clear of people seemed the most logical way to do that. It was to a doctor then to my room and my credo was *leave me alone*. Just that.

It started with music, then poetry, then art, animals, nature - and in that - while living in the woods I found spirituality and seeing the bigger picture in all things. But still going from wanting to hurt those that hurt me and struggling to forgive them and move on. That was part of the godspark within - that in order to be free - I have to let it go to move forward. But for the life of me, this time around I've been given so much. And I take responsibility for my actions - and make it a habit to be conscious of them - so as not to have to repeat a thing. This is it. Final frontier and final incarnation. I agree with you on not living in 3D - I attempted it - it's just too much for me to handle. Now I just seek isolation and if I venture out always to wear earplugs and sunglasses, looking down and steering clear from people. Now and then, my heart will go out to someone, some thing, somewhere and there will be some kind of interaction. But those are very short lived. And on I go back into that plane where thought is king and feelings are no where to be found.

 

[missbliss]

@missbliss ...you're the only other person I've ever heard with this dilemma.

For me, it's womb related, of this I am sure. I get panic attacks in water, yet I crave it. Almost drown.freak out.its so frustrating. Since then, I've learned how to holdmyself (wrap arms around),breathe, and some awful flashbacks came thru.Purposeful,intentional womb distress.It never was a safe haven.

Womb is the first home. First layer of relational experience - and that becomes part of our subconscious. Very first fragile layers. We absorb everything that our mothers experience. From her emotions, to the chemicals (deadly or enlivening) to the language that is spoken or screamed and everything else under the skin and into the sac. And that's even before we take our first breath - another imprint - our first gaze - another initial imprint - first meal - another initial imprint - how we are handled, touched, placed, fed - all the relational foundations. Coupled with DNA that's gone awry somewhere down the generations - it's a recipe for a very rough life without some kind of major intervention that has the capacity to move those initial negative imprints into the light - their rightful place. It's just like the negative of a photograph. Instead of the light, we received darkness as the experience. The light is there in potential - it always is - and it's my feeling/thought/theory that we are here to undo those negative codes and re-write them - correct what was initially set down as being *reality*.

This is really pretty much unchartered territory. Scientists and so-called *therapists* claim it can't be done. What's written can't be undone in pre-cognizant/language consciousness. But I do believe it can be done. But it is like psychic surgery - it is done on etheric/cosmic/divine levels where the Source of life orginates from consistantly. DNA is sequential - those sequences are codes residing in the grooves of unconscious/subconscious with their potentiallity in superconsciousness. When we can access superconsciousness (where divinity resides) we can add a connector with a message to convey to the hidden codes in our subconscious to rewire and re-establish the light. When the light comes on awareness, love and connection begin to flow. Till that happens - all is frozen - like Antartica. Nothing lives, nothing flows and it's a wasteland. I think it's our job as those who have experienced this unchartered territory to find the roadmap, to heal and then become healers for others. That gives a good enough reason on why all of this had to happen to us.

 

[missbliss]

I too would hope to hear @sun seeker 's thoughts, thank you. :hug:

It occurred to me, (& @Tanishq said in another thread) that 'home' is where we are loved & can love, & be ourselves. I heard something today that makes me think, 'home' is a sacred place. Just as there are sacred places such as in nature, or the description of the 'sacred space' between individuals wherein they respect & care for one another, & embrace each other 'as is', that is even the differences.

I've been housed - but never felt at Home. Never felt at ease and never ever felt welcomed or wanted. It was always as if I was a stranger in a strange land, living on a prayer and wing at the mercy of the owner of the house and at any moment I could be kicked out for breaking a rule or for taking up too much space (being too needy - or even having needs to begin with). So eventually you go invisible. You tread lightly if at all. This is all survival mode.

I had to move from place to place because of 2 reasons - 1 I was too hypersensitive to noise to live where there were triggers and 2 - financial - I had to go where no others would venture to - so the rent was cheap but so was life itself. These were dwellings where I lived in isolation. Always trying to regroup from the previous move. But life dictates its own rules and leases are up, places are sold, wars break out, health declines and it's off to the next hovel to seek shelter refugee style. At some point, an understanding must set in - why are there people who are able to live in peace in their own 4 walls and others like self - who are struggling with this so badly? What is the lesson here and what is my relationship to this experience and can I make peace with that and not have it drenched in blood but simply to accept it as it is? And know that this too shall pass and if I give it my all, do some good in the world, then maybe a ray of light will come shining down and a direction Home will come. And maybe when that Home will come I will be able to grow that thicker skin, feel at ease within and have that fence with a gate where only those who are loving and kind can enter.

 

[joeylittle]

I have never found that *therapist* who could be trusted. I've been at this for over 50 years. I find fault in them all. They know textbooks and second-hand experience - but nobody knows where I've been and what that was like. Not one.

I just was wondering, what is the longest you've stuck with a therapist in your last five years of looking?

It is true that nobody knows where you've been and what it was like. I often find this to be unbearably painful, in my own therapy. But there is also extreme value in coming to terms with the fact that your pain is your own, and that part of your work in therapy is to learn to articulate to someone else where you've been and what it was like. Whether they can identify is irrelevant (in my opinion).

I think it took a year before I really started letting my therapist in, and letting my guard down. It's been 2 years plus now, and I only started allowing myself to stop regulating my behavior around him very recently. I'd say I'm successful at not censoring myself about 20% of the time.

In other words, I'm curious if you've actually stayed with anyone long enough to know how much farther you could get with them?

 

[missbliss]

I just was wondering, what is the longest you've stuck with a therapist in your last five years of looking?

I stopped looking many years ago for what is called *therapy* and have opted to seek out *cure* with very new methodologies that aren't readily available and those that are involved with these methodologies don't advertise their services. In the past when I still was reluctantly willing to give these conventional sessions a chance, the longest period of time was a few months - and it was only because she became more of a friend than *therapist*. So I stuck it out. I'm very quick to size up people. And I dont want to waste their time or mine. Sometimes I have been known to put bandaids on my wounds and settle for talk therapy in the worst of places with the most mundane of *therapists* because of the severity of the pain. My pain arises mostly from conflicts and confrontations. Both which I avoid like the plague but sometimes, due to life and what it will throw me - it happens. And I just can't handle it so I internalize it all - bringing up everything from my past. But with time, knowledge, understanding a bit of this and a bit of that - you understand that this could actually be a test of sorts. Or maybe their stuff is trying to pull you in to their drama, and that's a pattern that no longer serves, so I can rise above it. But it takes more than I have right now - and sometimes that includes having to rely on a hotline, wine or in a previous period something else to alleviate the pain. Right now, I'm going it pretty much 99% cold turkey in the worst of the worst of environments with no support. But looking to learn and share here and my Higher Power and I are pretty close.

 

[sun seeker]

Womb is the first home. First layer of relational experience - and that becomes part of our subconscious. Very first fragile layers. We absorb everything that our mothers experience. From her emotions, to the chemicals (deadly or enlivening) to the language that is spoken or screamed and everything else under the skin and into the sac. And that's even before we take our first breath - another imprint - our first gaze - another initial imprint - first meal - another initial imprint - how we are handled, touched, placed, fed - all the relational foundations.

Another book you might like to try if you haven't yet: Magical Child by Joseph Chilton Pearce. He has several other books that are also excellent, including The Crack in the Cosmic Egg and Evolution's End. He links brain growth to the various stages of child development somewhat like Lawrence Heller does, but in a different, perhaps more holistic way. He writes about "matrices" (coming from the Latin for womb) which are the ever-widening levels of "home" we are supposed to have access to for normal human development. It begins with the womb, then after birth becomes the mother's whole being, which is a place of safety for the child. Around the time the child learns to walk, a shift occurs from the mother to the earth as place of safety, beginning very close to the mother and gradually expanding. When all goes as it is supposed to, each matrix is a place of safety the evolving person can return to to touch base, then moving outwards to explore and learn. He writes about birth and child-rearing practices and how they affect brain growth, and how in modern society we do just about all of it wrong even in well-meaning families without overt abuse. What humans are meant to be capable of is like the whole iceberg of which what we think we are capable of is only the tip. He has fewer suggestions than Lawrence Heller for what to do to fix it once it's gone wrong, but lots for how to raise children so it doesn't go wrong in the first place.

Coupled with DNA that's gone awry somewhere down the generations - it's a recipe for a very rough life without some kind of major intervention that has the capacity to move those initial negative imprints into the light - their rightful place. It's just like the negative of a photograph. Instead of the light, we received darkness as the experience. The light is there in potential - it always is - and it's my feeling/thought/theory that we are here to undo those negative codes and re-write them - correct what was initially set down as being *reality*.

Yes, I agree with this, and really like your poetic way of describing it. Another thing you might like to look into is holodynamics, which is a field of study and method of solving problems loosely based on quantum physics. I studied it for a while and have worked with it quite a bit. Basically, there are fields of information housed in the microtubules in our cells - the negative codes you write of - and they are driven by potential, meaning they are always striving to reach a perfected state. As in quantum physics, the perfect model exists before the imperfect, or to put it more simply, the problem is created by the solution. Therefore, there is no problem that cannot be solved because the solution already exists. The version we see as a problem is like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy - a lot of the information is blurry. There are simple methods for introducing the problem to the solution that already exists and downloading the solution, so to speak. As you have already figured out, DNA is one source of these information fields. The other three are life experience, personal choice, and information leaking through from parallel universes. I see you are in Israel, and this method was used extensively there as well as in Russia.

Having said that, in my own search for healing, holodynamics didn't help me. I've seen it work miracles. I've even helped others use it to get some amazing results. But for me? I haven't gotten there. I think it may be right that for someone with early developmental trauma, relationship is key, and any kind of healing modality you try to do on your own isn't going to work as well as one that gives you that safety in a relationship that you never got. And I completely understand how hard it is to trust anyone enough to allow that. That is one thing I like so much about Lawrence Heller's work. He understands that simultaneous need for closeness and extreme fear of letting anyone too close, and has a method for working with it that is the first I've seen that really addresses the issue. I just wish more therapists would learn about it!