The Value Of A Life?

[Jen93]

I realized something today as I was walking to my bus stop. (It was rush hour and there were several times I could have basically gotten run over crossing the street in intersections where there was no crosswalk)

I don't value my life as much as I value others lives. I wasn't scared at all even though it was a busy street and cars were zooming by fast. It's not like I wanted to jump into the middle of the road hoping to get run over, but I wasn't exactly thinking "I should go a safer route and take the bus to get to the bus stop" either.

My life basically means as much to me as a candy bar. It's like "whatever. It is what it is."

I don't go seeking thrill and stuff hoping to die either. (At least I don't think I do.)

I don't know if this is depression, or suicidal ideation. But it's a weird feeling and still sort of scary anyway. I've been oversleeping again and not eating and I've been having more flashbacks-depression signs, but I'm usually constantly thinking about death when I'm depressed. Right now I'm just like "whatever, my life is my life."

I don't value it as much as I value others, like I'd try to protect my brother-but me? My life isn't worth thinking about-with either living or ending it.

Is this normal? Is this depression? Does anybody else ever feel this way?

 

[Ruckster]

I don't what it is called but I think I know what you are saying. I flip flop between caring and not caring if I live or die. I am really nervous in cars...not sure why... My trauma did not involve cars...so I don't get why cars bother me. I either back seat drive and mash my foot through the floor pushing on my imaginary passenger brake or I think "oh well it is ok to die in a fiery crash today". My family prefers when I surrender to death and calmly accept it as a peaceful outcome and don't nag them!

I don't think not caring if you die or not is the same as being suicidal and actively seeking death.

 

[JustBe]

I feel the same way about life and death.Now that my kids are grown and OK I really don't care much if my life continues or not. I definitely don't seek out dangerous situations like I did before I had kids, but even though I fear many things, death and dying aren't on that list.

 

[matthios]

I know exactly what you're experiencing. I've had that sort of ambivalence about the outcome of my own life for a very, very long time. In fact, this may have actually been partially responsible for the delay in getting my PTSD diagnosis. My "trauma" was, er, by anyone else's emotional compass "traumatic galore"- but to me, the central event of it (resulting in my near death) didn't bring my horror/shock/disgust/intense fear/rage to significant levels. the circumstances SURROUNDING it, however, yikes.

Anyway, very little scares me. I'm not a risk-seeker at all. I've become a hermit, for the most part, over the last decade or so. I've been in a number of situations that could've easily resulted in my death and, well, they just didn't bother me.

Until someone tried to kill me. Intentionally. Homicidally. In the moment, I think the "fear" part of my brain shut off and survival mode kicked in. I felt some vague fear as he was inbound, but I think it served more to function as an alert (threat!). It wasn't until after it happened that the realization of my fear (displaced/retarded emotional processing of event- gotta love dissociation!) (ps this is the event that caused PTSD#2 to be diagnosed)

I'm not suggesting you go out and get someone to try to kill you... but as ambivalent about my own life as I'd been before it happened, it wasn't until afterwards when my non-verbal-thoughtbrain (lizard brain, ftw) kicked in that I found out I actually *do* value my life. Well, only when someone else is trying to take it. The lizardbrain has never gotten in the way during suicidal behavior.

So yeah, I don't fear death and dying... unless it's as a victim.

 

[maddog]

I spend a lot of time in this uncomfortable state of ambivalence about my own life. As others have said, a lack of care about the life/death coin toss is quite different from any actual intent to die, or even any strong desire for it.

I associate this feeling with my more intense states of depression, and know to label my depression as extreme when I find myself feeling this way.

Putting the feeling into perspective, I think that anyone who has spent a good portion of their life in extreme distress and/or fear is going to, in part, associate living with this emotional state, and wonder if perhaps death is the only alternative that would alleviaite these feelings. It's not pleasant, but I don't think it's unusual, or alarming, or anything to be more than just aware of, so that you can identify if that ambivalence changes into a more active intent.

Maddog

 

[saffy]

Is this normal? Is this depression? Does anybody else ever feel this way?

Yep I feel like this a lot of the time. I really worry about other people and will put them first above myself everytime.

Sometimes I think it is because It makes me feel better knowing I can care and show empathy, a lot of people cannot or will not, some I think are selfish for only thinking of themselves, but still help them anyway.

Sometime I project my need to be cared for on others, if I care for them they will care for me? Although most of the time this does not work in my favour.

I also think most of the time that I am not worthy enough of someones care or love. That's a self esteem issue with me totally, I have no confidence in myself.

This is a drepressive thing and on days that I feel very depressed it is worse.
I brush my feelings off as not important and so am not really worried if something happens to me or not.

I understand what you are going through.
Hugs

Saffy :)

 

[Tanishq]

It sounds you may have lost some senses and thoughts for your life. You don't think highly of it, perhaps depression makes thinking harder for your life. Life means everything and appreciate everything in it. You write being random at the moment. I think you are there in your life. You're trying to value your life, but you can't see yourself in that way.

If you were total reckless, you wouldn't be opening this thread. I don't think so.

People value their own life how they look at their lives. not necessary that every time they can see their life as it is, they may miss. Same goes for you, you are being human and making some mistakes here and there.

Do you think you are dealing some emotions regarding your life? Some emotions and feelings towards yourself and your life?

 

[matthios]

Taking this in a slightly different direction, something you (Jen93) wrote in a potentially negative light can be looked at in a different way.

"I don't value it as much as others." Isn't that typically the saying of most "heroes"? Those that rush into burning buildings to save babies or the like... right? Sure.

But even a more benign apathy toward one's own life is all over very, VERY heroic literature. I'm reminded of Havamal 76 and 77. They're mostly the same sentiment, 77 in my decently-educated opinion is better (i'm going from memory, forgive inaccuracies)

Deyr fe, /deyja fraedr,/ deyr sjalfa in sama./ek veit einn/ at alderi deyr,/ domr um dauthar hvern

"cattle die, friends* die, the self dies in the same way./ I know one thing that dies never: the judgment (or reputation) about each of those who die."

Pre-modern and pre-Christian societies tended to accept death much more readily than we do. I think in contemporary Western (first-world) culture, this is even more the case. Ask any artist: they seek immortality through what they leave behind, their work (and thus the judgment/reputation of their work... a-ha!) Society has pushed us into thinking a lifetime should be about a hundred rather cushy years of rainbows and unicorn farts. I'm really not 100% convinced that having a certain ambivalence about one's own demise is *solely* a byproduct of depression.