General The Vulnerability Of Being An Ex

[cyanide]

I am making every effort to keep myself physically healthy: eating healthy foods, working out, reading, getting sleep, going to work, seeing my friends and family, doing activities I enjoy. However, my situation and circumstance is tormenting me psychologically and emotionally and I need to do something about it.

It has been just over three months since my ex and I broke up from a long term relationship due to her feelings of inadequacy and the stress of being in a relationship that she feels she cannot live up to.

Why am I not walking away?

She asked me to be friends with her but without expectations. She also says a future relationship is possible but not guaranteed, which gives me (false) hope. I did made it clear to her that even though I will respect her boundaries and space right now as a friend, my feelings remain unchanged that I love her and want to be with her, which incidentally is an expectation. She knows that I am voluntarily putting myself in an extremely vulnerable position.

I have no interest in dating or pursuing others due to my devotion, nor am I able to move on until there is a sense of direction or closure. Since her beliefs about herself does not reflect my feelings about her, I cannot abandon her. Since she wants a healthy friendship, this is the route I am willing to take, but unfortunately we do not have a healthy friendship.

Our circumstance is unfair to the both of us, but we mutually want a connection somehow.

Why am I "stuck"?

One of two things will absolutely happen: 1) we get back together over time, or 2) we do not get back together. Either option is fine, because there is closure and I am able to either progress or move on. The dangerous and unhealthy part is that I'm on option 3): there's no clear expectation, and even worse, we do not have a proper, functioning friendship. The result is that the uncertainty and lack of progress puts me stuck in a continuous grieving period with no sense of direction, and we do not communicate well due to the nature of PTSD, which makes understanding and trust nearly impossible.

Current events

We finally had one serious talk recently, and the result is that she likes being friends so far and that it's important for her to have a healthy friendship at least for now. She is okay with hanging out and I am free to talk to her, however we do not see each other and communication has been extremely limited.

Space vs communication

Our only mode of communication right now is through online messenger, but dialogue is almost impossible. She shows no interest or effort to contact me or to get to know me or my feelings. When I attempt to talk to her, her responses are usually of little interest, extremely brief, and detached, although her tone is generally positive. I am unable to ask many questions as it may equate to pressure.

From her difficulty in responding or sharing her thoughts and feelings, it's clear she needs space. Confusingly, I have asked if she needed space but perhaps in denial, she says that I can talk and say hi (as to be treated as a normal friend). I do, but she doesn't treat me the same way. I have been very careful to not pressure her, and I've been able to be positive, supportive and be there for her, but she appears to make no effort on her part.

We know so very little about our current lives, thoughts, and feelings, and we are walking on eggshells. Since we do not communicate well, it is very easy for things to be misread. However, from my observations and taking PTSD into consideration, I can deduce that the lack of connection is due to her fears, stress, low energy, low self-worth, and being/feeling unhealthy.

She wants to have a healthy friendship with me, but she is unable to

She loves and values me, but she is unable to say it or show it which makes me feel unloved and unvalued. I'm there for her because I believe she needs me, but because she rarely reaches out, it also feels like she doesn't need me. I want to trust her, but because she doesn't communicate, it's hard to trust her. I know I'm significant in her life but I don't feel significant in her life.

The confusion, lack of clear direction, and our bond hanging by a thread is messing with me emotionally and psychologically. I believe her inability to do something about it frustrates her and that she is in an unhealthy state right now. Even though I am there for her, I am constantly in the dark, confused, and extremely vulnerable.

I need to take action (or inaction) for a healthy friendship

I need your support and advice.

- Should I express my thoughts and feelings to her as written above?
- Should I ask her what she wants in order for us to have a healthy friendship?
- Should I make an attempt to communicate with her more to decrease her fear and build her self-worth?
- Or should I leave her completely alone with no communication and wait for her to contact me? I worry this may possibly perpetuate a unhealthier friendship or confirm her feelings of inadequate self-worth by perceiving this as neglect/abandonment rather than space, since she expects me to treat her like a friend.
- Should I be the first to initiate hanging out with her so we can make progress?
- Do we need to discuss our boundaries and expectations, so we can both be healthy?

What can I do to help have us a healthier friendship in this time that is fair to the both of us?

 

[Pam]

My wonderful C has never said he loves me. He never calls me (in 5 years he has called me exactly three times). I don't get presents, flowers, or displays of affection in public (like hand holding stuff). He does not like it when I say I love him. To be sure, there are lots of ways he shows me he loves me and accepts my love and attention. We have been a committed weekend, summer, and holiday monogamous couple going on 5 years.

However, if I was a person who needed the things he cannot give, we would most definitely be in an unhealthy relationship. I guess what makes us work is that I have always had a sense of being whole. I am a complete person, capable of being in the world, and enjoying it, without needing someone else to somehow make my life whole. I have found that loving from a sense of plenty, wholeness and abundance works for me better than loving from a sense of need, a nagging sense of being unfullfilled, or from lack. My cup runneth over regarding who and what I am, when I am alone as well as when I am with my C. Yes, there are times when I miss him and I wish we were together all the time, but I am still whole without him. Just like I am whole even though my precious grandparents who raised me have gone on to the next world, or my best friend has gone one way and I have gone another in life and we no longer communicate. We aren't mad at each other, we just have moved on.

Maybe it would work for you to investigate why you might feel need, feel unfullfilled, or feel incomplete as a person all by yourself, regardless of who you want as a partner in life. I am not saying that is what you should do. I am just pointing out a possible path to follow. It may not be a good path for you. Or it may help.

 

[pegasus]

We all have inherent needs, they may be different from one person to the next but as humans well have needs that need to be met to make us whole. Cyanide my position is similar to yours. I've decided and have voiced this concept to her, that we will sit down and each present our needs and what we are capable of giving and not capable of doing. What is acceptable what is not acceptable. At the end of the conversation we either work or we don't. This way it doesn't keep either of us in an unfair stuck position. Maybe we can't do it now, maybe down the road we can, maybe we can't. It allows forward progress in some direction for each individual. Yes naturally we would like it to be together, but it doesn't mean it will be.

 

[becvan]

I have no interest in dating or pursuing others due to my devotion, nor am I able to move on until there is a sense of direction or closure. Since her beliefs about herself does not reflect my feelings about her, I cannot abandon her. Since she wants a healthy friendship, this is the route I am willing to take, but unfortunately we do not have a healthy friendship.

She shows no interest or effort to contact me or to get to know me or my feelings. When I attempt to talk to her, her responses are usually of little interest, extremely brief, and detached, although her tone is generally positive.

What can I do to help have us a healthier friendship in this time that is fair to the both of us?

Just a few things here. You can not have a healthy friendship when your basis of being there is that her feelings are not correct, since they don't match yours, therefore if you hang in there you can have her back. This is not friendship. This is attempting to hang on to a relationship by deceiving one's self. On top of that, you are completely discounting how she feels. What you are really saying is that it doesn't matter how or what she feels, her feelings are wrong unless they match yours. Sorry but no matter how warped one's feelings may be, feelings are not a wrong or right situation. And simply because her feelings differ from yours does not make them warped, wrong, or incorrect either.

How do you expect to have any type friendship with someone when you have no respect for their feelings or boundaries?

Of course she shows no interest. No matter how you try to sugar coat this, deny it, or just plain ignore it you are there because of your romantic interests. Everything you say and do is painted with that. There is a ton of pressure on her because of that. The more stress put on a sufferer the more they shut down. You are not giving space, as your expectation (your words) of getting back together with her remove that option for her.

You need to realize that your feelings alone are not what determines if a relationship continues. The fact that you are refusing to accept that it is over is impeding any chance of having a healthy friendship. You must let her go and move on.

I'm sorry. I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is reality. Fooling yourself about this is only going to make it worse. Let her go and live your life.

bec

 

[Pam]

Dear becvan,

I hit your reputation button and apparently I have hit it before because it said I have to give props to someone else before I hit yours again. You are a straight shooter and I always appreciate what you say.:hello:

 

[cyanide]

Hi bec,

Awesome post to get me thinking and I appreciate your candid response, though I do feel a bit attacked.

To clarify, I never said her feelings are not correct or does not matter. Her feelings are completely true and valid. I was referring that her perception about herself does not mirror my perception about her, but it doesn't make either one incorrect. For instance, she believes she doesn't deserve happiness, but I believe she deserves happiness. Both of our beliefs and feelings are true and matters. However, if she believes she doesn't deserve happiness and I walk away without closure, this only affirms her belief. If I am there for her, this may promote a healthier and positive perception and self-worth about herself that she is indeed worthwhile. Letting go and walking away without closure while she asks to be friends isn't a healthy way to move on, especially if we're significant people in our lives.

It doesn't help that she wants to be friends without expectations while hinting a reconciliation is possible. It doesn't help that we have not established clear space and boundaries. What we both want is a mutual connection that we're trying to make work, and it looks like a friendship isn't possible without direction given my vulnerability and her being pressured. If her direction is to move on from me, then a friendship isn't possible if I am to move on.

Also, I never denied or sugar coated that I am there for my romantic interests. I told her this, and she knows this. The only possible route I can take is friendship, and I've been trying to give her space and boundaries while being a supportive friend, but this is at the expense of disrespecting my boundaries. So please don't make me look like I'm disrespecting her when I have made considerable sacrifices.

While we want a mutual connection in the form of "friendship," it's clear that a healthy friendship cannot work because we have different boundaries and I'm realizing this, and I want to take action. Obviously something needs to be done, and I believe that it is fair to the both of us if I ask her what direction she is taking.

 

[0305]

C, Things may get better one day, but then they might go back to what your dealing with, I also wonder sometimes if this is what i want , we have a daughter together and want to be here with both of them.
- its not gonna get easier until it gets harder.
-you have to be strong , but you also have to be smart.
-you can not rescue her, be there for her ,but also know you may never get her.
-if you guys are not together now ,live your life ,but dont be a doormat.
these are things i have been working on myself, my wife says this can go on forever,
but i have also let her know that i to am dealing with this not just her. even though im the carer ,i still deal with all the good and the bad.
hang in there sir ,i wish you the best. be true to yourself.

 

[cyanide]

Alright, got the direction.

Time to move on.

 

[Nicolette]

Hang in there :Hug_emoticon: I am a firm believer that as one door closes another opens as you only have so much room in your life. If you take all your energy you have been using trying to rescue your relationship (admirable as it is) you may find that you then have the capacity to allow other good things to come into your life.

 

[Pam]

Nicolette, you have put into succinct words something that took me 29 years to figure out. When I finally got up the courage to close that door in a decent and honest way, along came my C. Such sweet things have come my way since then. And my ex is better as well.

 

[cyanide]

Thanks Nicolette.

As in my topic, my "vulnerability" was one of the things that worried me. I found out today that she is dating someone new, so I'm kind of a psychological mess right now.

 

[Nicolette]

Yes but you now have a definite answer so now you have control over your destiny back!