caliaviator
Silver Member
Well, today I am in Reno visiting my uncle. Now, to recap on some of the events that happened to me, my grandmother died, and my grandfather has been responsible for me not being able to see her for 8 years. Naturally I have a great deal of animosity and hatred for him because someone who cared about me in my life is gone and I never got to see her.
Now, I landed in Reno and I found my uncle waiting for me on the other side of the terminal. I then turned a corner and say my aunt, and this withered old man was there. On closer inspection, it was my grandfather, who looks nearly completely different from what I remember. I went from zero to seeing red, and I was so angry that I started to become sick. To make matters worse, I then went to breakfast with him and my family. He sat on one end of the table, I made damn certain that I sat on the other side. I wasn't hungry, but I still ordered to put up a show. The only thing I could really think of as he was talking was jumping across the other side of the table and wail on him. I closed my eyes, I felt my anger and accepted it, but then took some deep breaths. I was still shaking but I was at the point where I was able to focus on the moment and talk to a point.
As we were eating, my grandfather said "Are you working?" I said "I'm going to school full time". Then he said "Still?" Everyone noticed the look I gave him, but kept quiet. It was that look where if you could kill someone just by thinking about it, it would happen. But I kept my composure and stated "It's been two years." He was baiting me, everyone knew it, but I kept my composure even though I thought I wouldn't. My uncle noticed through my body language that I was ready to flip the table over, rip my grandpa's spine out and beat him with it so he asked me in detail what my major was.I told him, and I simmered to a manageable level. I was pretty focused on my uncle and blocked out everything else. I then spent the rest of the meal in silence while my anger plateaued. I then went to my uncle's house and did my breathing exercises, then fell asleep.
My uncle took me aside when I woke up to go to the grocery store with him and told me that he has no control over me, and he can't decide what direction I go with myself. I'm an adult, no longer that kid that he alienated and tormented. I gave it some thought and I realized that he really doesn't have control over me, and I simmered down.
Little did I know, he was going to join us again for dinner. SOOOO much stress. I kept quiet, and when we sat down at this chinese restaurant I ordered two beers. He didn't say anything to me; hell, he didn't even make eye contact with me. I felt in control. The person who did all these things to me all of the sudden was on the defensive, I had power over him but didn't exploit this. I had self control. I made light conversation with everyone except him, and this really did increase the power that I gained, that he has no control over my life. My anger was still there, but it was embraced and projected in a way where that energy was being used to make a conversation with the others. I fought the urge to close in; consequences be damned. This night he said nothing to me, and that scared little boy who was threatened to be beaten with an old 2x4 when he didn't finish his meal became the 26 year old adult who can control the situation and take you on if you want to take it to a place that threatens my well being.
I'm at my uncle's place now with a sense that I won a scenario that I never imagined what the outcome would be. I really didn't know what I would do if I saw him, and now that it happened I can honestly say that when I do see him again (tomorrow) I'm going to master the situation. This is exposure therapy at it's best. I'm surrounded by lion tamers and here is this old toothless lion that terrorized me as a kid, and he sees that I'm strong enough to take him and doesn't mess with me. This is a HUGE accomplishment, and even though I still feel a great deal of anger I know that I have the ability to control it, and whatever terror remained is gone. I'll be here for 3 days, and I'll be exposed to this on and off.
If I can do this, what else can I do?
Now, I landed in Reno and I found my uncle waiting for me on the other side of the terminal. I then turned a corner and say my aunt, and this withered old man was there. On closer inspection, it was my grandfather, who looks nearly completely different from what I remember. I went from zero to seeing red, and I was so angry that I started to become sick. To make matters worse, I then went to breakfast with him and my family. He sat on one end of the table, I made damn certain that I sat on the other side. I wasn't hungry, but I still ordered to put up a show. The only thing I could really think of as he was talking was jumping across the other side of the table and wail on him. I closed my eyes, I felt my anger and accepted it, but then took some deep breaths. I was still shaking but I was at the point where I was able to focus on the moment and talk to a point.
As we were eating, my grandfather said "Are you working?" I said "I'm going to school full time". Then he said "Still?" Everyone noticed the look I gave him, but kept quiet. It was that look where if you could kill someone just by thinking about it, it would happen. But I kept my composure and stated "It's been two years." He was baiting me, everyone knew it, but I kept my composure even though I thought I wouldn't. My uncle noticed through my body language that I was ready to flip the table over, rip my grandpa's spine out and beat him with it so he asked me in detail what my major was.I told him, and I simmered to a manageable level. I was pretty focused on my uncle and blocked out everything else. I then spent the rest of the meal in silence while my anger plateaued. I then went to my uncle's house and did my breathing exercises, then fell asleep.
My uncle took me aside when I woke up to go to the grocery store with him and told me that he has no control over me, and he can't decide what direction I go with myself. I'm an adult, no longer that kid that he alienated and tormented. I gave it some thought and I realized that he really doesn't have control over me, and I simmered down.
Little did I know, he was going to join us again for dinner. SOOOO much stress. I kept quiet, and when we sat down at this chinese restaurant I ordered two beers. He didn't say anything to me; hell, he didn't even make eye contact with me. I felt in control. The person who did all these things to me all of the sudden was on the defensive, I had power over him but didn't exploit this. I had self control. I made light conversation with everyone except him, and this really did increase the power that I gained, that he has no control over my life. My anger was still there, but it was embraced and projected in a way where that energy was being used to make a conversation with the others. I fought the urge to close in; consequences be damned. This night he said nothing to me, and that scared little boy who was threatened to be beaten with an old 2x4 when he didn't finish his meal became the 26 year old adult who can control the situation and take you on if you want to take it to a place that threatens my well being.
I'm at my uncle's place now with a sense that I won a scenario that I never imagined what the outcome would be. I really didn't know what I would do if I saw him, and now that it happened I can honestly say that when I do see him again (tomorrow) I'm going to master the situation. This is exposure therapy at it's best. I'm surrounded by lion tamers and here is this old toothless lion that terrorized me as a kid, and he sees that I'm strong enough to take him and doesn't mess with me. This is a HUGE accomplishment, and even though I still feel a great deal of anger I know that I have the ability to control it, and whatever terror remained is gone. I'll be here for 3 days, and I'll be exposed to this on and off.
If I can do this, what else can I do?
