Therapist "freaked Out" During Session

[Nikki100]

Last session, I watched a video the man who raped me recorded while he was trying out some torture methods. He was fascinated by torture and had researched that topic for years so he was really good at that.
I know it seems weird that I wanted to watch it but there's a reason and I don't regret watching it so that's not a problem.

The problem is my T's reaction. He had offered to watch it with me and I had told him that I would like to watch it in a session but he didn't have to watch it. Not because I wasn't comfortable with him seeing me like that (it mostly showed close-ups of body parts I don't mind him seeing) but because in my opinion his training doesn't prepare him to watch that kind of stuff.
But like always when I don't want to tell him something disgusting, he told me that he's a professional and he can decide on his own what he can handle.

Well, he was wrong this time. When the video had ended I was just wondering if he was going to cry or throw up first. And even though he sort of got himself under control again and continued the session, he wasn't in any shape to actually help me.

I feel really guilty about letting him see the video because I knew what those experiments look like. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

But then again I'm really angry and disappointed in him because I told him what those experiments where about and I also told him that I just needed him AFTER the video. He didn't give me the support I needed and he showed a lot of emotion even though he knows I'm not comfortable with that.

Later that day he texted me saying he would like to see me sooner than scheduled so we could talk about it (The video? His reaction? I don't know). But I really don't know what to do. I'm feeling very unstable right now so I know that I need help. But I feel like seeing him will upset me even more. And I don't know if or how I should address it.
Why did his reaction bother me so much? Am I overreacting?

But writing it down certainly helped so thanks for that!

 

[Ice_Fire]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be angry at his reaction. I'm glad you warned him of the content because he made the decision to watch so that's not on you (not that it would be anyway). I think maybe text him back and ask what he wants to talk about during the session and mention that you were affected by his reaction.

Also, I want to send you a big big (((((hug)))) for what you went through.

 

[Lucycat]

Wow, that is a tough one! I think you are right and it does sound like your T was struggling, but clearly he wants to help you. He also now has a much greater understanding of what you went through. I would think an early appointment with him is a good thing - even if you simply discuss what you have written here and clear the air. T's are only human, although they have professional boundaries to maintain. This may have pushed him to the limit but if he is good he will have sought clinical supervision to assist with his dealing with this situation and how better to deal with it in the future if the same thing happens with someone else.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You can't control someones reaction. You aren't responsible for it.

I would talk with him while the memory and feelings are still fresh in your mind.

 

[WillyKat]

Therapists, psychologists, and so on are people too. Well, most of them are. And many of them get into that profession because they have issues themselves.

I agree w/ @Ayesha about the control and responsibility.

 

[StarChild]

I know it seems weird that I wanted to watch it but there's a reason

There's quite a few questions, which popped into my mind while reading your post.... Maybe you could help me to gain a better understanding of the situation @Nikki100? Here's what came to my mind:

• How did you get this tape?
• What's that reason you mentioned, that made you want to watch this video?
• What purpose served watching this video?
• Will you keep it? And if yes, what for?
• What kind of support exactly did you expect from your T after the video had ended?

 

[Powder]

I am just baffled by the original post, and this is an area I'm still not processed through yet. I don't have any advice or reactions that seem coherent, but I'll try to break it down and make sense.

First, All I can think of is the role of therapy was being expanded outward. This could be progress for you, as a survivor; you took a calculated risk. That took courage, and you had to overcome fear and anxiety to do so. So that is progress. For example, I think with some trauma that was not validated, there is a deep need for validation. This may include the survivor to want to share forensic evidence with someone from whom validation is requested in the hope that validation feelings of acceptance can be SHARED by the survivor and the person who the survivor respects and wishes to have validation from.

I am just guessing that is the answer to TreeHugger's second bullet above, but I wouldn't assume it.

I'm sorry that what you needed, emotionally or mentally, from the session was not forthcoming.

Second, I am wondering if this is the kind of "setbacks" that others more experienced than me in labeling have referred to. I think Anthony and others have mentioned that a survivor takes two steps forward, and then a step back when a supporter is not able to relate, or someone retraumatizes you in the exposure process. I'm not sure if this qualifies according to others, but it seems that way to me. When I make progress in guarding my own boundaries, it often premts a "push back" from someone in a relationship who is not accustomed to me protecting my own boundaries in that area. I am going through that now.

Supporters and therapists have their own foibles and blind spots. They are human, and people who don't have PTSD can have glaring deficits in emotional intelligence. They have insecurities. So, I think they can't always meet our needs. When my needs are not met in a relationship, I tend to need to find another way to get it met, even if through the forum or personally to self-validate.

I hope you can reach some conclusions regarding how this experience played out. I support your exploring the situation and seeing what happened, and why, for your healing and relating.

Muse

 

[scout86]

I feel really guilty about letting him see the video because I knew what those experiments look like. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

It was his choice. He's a grownup. Not your responsibility.

But then again I'm really angry and disappointed in him because I told him what those experiments where about and I also told him that I just needed him AFTER the video. He didn't give me the support I needed and he showed a lot of emotion even though he knows I'm not comfortable with that.

"Disappointed" I can see. "Angry"? I'm not sure that's fair. You're angry at him because he reacted the way he reacted? It seems like everyone, even a T, has the right to their own reaction. I'm not sure what kind of support you were looking for. Did HE know what kind of support you were looking for? In any case, I'm sorry you didn't get it at the time and I hope you DO get it at the next session.

There have been a couple of times when something I've said has made my T cringe. That made ME cringe. And, it made me wonder if I needed to edit what I said. He also shows at least some of his emotions. That bothers me a little too. We've talked about it. The deal is, they are HIS emotions and he's entitled to them. He says he might cringe, (or do the thing he does where he looks at the ceiling for a bit before he looks back), He might even get tears in his eyes, but they are just feelings, they won't kill him, and he can take care of himself. ("But thanks for asking." LOL) And, by being himself, and showing his feelings (at least some of them), he's demonstrating something I need to learn. That it's ok to feel stuff and it's ok to let other people know that you do.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I disagree with @scout86's assessment that "anger" isn't fair as that is putting a judgment value on feelings and feelings are neither wrong nor right, they just are. You DEFINITELY have a right to feel angry. Now, whether or not your thoughts behind the anger are correct, that is another matter. But, the feeling in and of itself is not wrong.

I'd say that you're definitely going through the ultimate in exposure therapy, which is going to be much different than probably 99% of other sufferers. Well, given that we don't all go through exposure therapy and those of us that do tend to not have a visual recording of what happened. I think that your therapist is only human and made an error in judgment. Unfortunately, not everyone, even those trained to treat trauma, can handle knowing the depths of what happened to us.

From here forward, I would be cognizant of your therapist's reaction when you're talking about your trauma. If he cannot handle it, then I'd say you need to move on and find a new therapist. Maybe he can pull it together and be a good therapist, but maybe not since those visuals have already disturbed him.

 

[joeylittle]

Your therapist made a major error in judgement. Major. It happens, but that doesn't make it any easier to navigate.

If you can, I'd say definitely take a deep breath, take the extra time with him, and tell him everything you need to say about how you took in his reaction. And let him tell you everything you need to hear about what his reaction was.

If that conversation goes well, with honesty and clarity, it's not like you'll feel "all better", but the relationship can continue to build, and you'll probably feel that in your gut. If he skirts the issue, or isn't willing to answer whatever questions you need to ask him - like why did he think he could handle it, was that trying to prove a point or what was the motivation? things like that, whatever you want to know about what he's thinking. And whatever you need to say about what you are thinking. If you can't get into that stuff, I think you might need a break from this one, or possibly to move on.

That's just my gut. I know I'm constantly checking mine for his reaction to the graphic things. The moment he balks, I will probably need to leave that office, I just know myself that way. I'd feel the guilt you describe, and I'm in no shape to bounce back from it. But you really might be...only you know that.

 

[Intrepid]

I've gotten my therapist worked up a time or two, and she's seen me in a pretty sorry state. I tell her things with gut wrenching honesty that would make other normal, not therapist types run away and not look back.

She bounces back pretty well. I bet yours will too. Did you know that a lot of therapists have therapists? Hope yours has his own support.

 

[City Slicker]

If things have been working with this therapist up to now, do you feel it possible before the session as @Ice_Fire mentioned to reply and ask him what he thinks you should discuss in the session and clarify his reaction. It could represent real growth if you get the sense that he is open about what happened and why he reacted the way he did.

I know of other therapists that have been able to repair a potential alliance rupture by owning their stuff and taking steps to make sure they are properly grounded so that they can attend responsibly to their client. Other therapists are unable. You will know where he falls if you can have that conversation. Good luck with whatever you choose.