Therapist Referring Me Away Because Of Self Injury

[risingsun]

So I have PTSD and I have Clinical Depression due to it. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year. I engage in self injury and she has known this since the beginning. She also knows that I engage in suicidal ideation. The self-injuring will last a 'couple of days,' every couple of months or so then I stop for a while and it reemerges when I get extremely overwhelmed.

Well, recently, she said that she does not believe she is helping me and her practice is not set up for people like me. I tried to point out the recent major stressors that have been going on and she said, "that's life" and that our therapy should have helped me deal with that already and I shouldn't be self injuring anymore. So much for the year I feel I've wasted.

I guess the next apt is to explore referral options I think? Anyhow, her delivery about our therapy was that of a bite. I'm literally frightened that her very passive aggressiveness will come forth again. I really like her so I am feeling crushed by this. I want to hurt myself. Please someone, help. I am taking this as a severe loss.

 

[Fadeaway]

Mods: I am guessing this thread is going to be moved into therapy, so I hope it is ok I post a reply here.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. You may like her, but the way she handled the situation isn't very professional in my opinion. What it sounds like to me is what she is really saying is that she has a lack of training in the type of therapy you need. Some therapists specialize in one thing, while others specialize in another. She should have helped set you up with someone who could provide the form of therapy you needed.

It seems to me that she is completely overlooking the PTSD diagnosis and what that means. I firmly believe the issue isn't you but her lack of training. As difficult as this might be, you need to find someone else. Someone who specializes in PTSD. I just went through such a change myself, and the difference between types of therapy are night and day.

Hang in there. This forum is a wonderful place for support and advice on how to cope with symptoms.

 

[risingsun]

Thank you. I agree. She is not recognizing the ptsd. I'm supposed to go in 1 1/2 hours..... I think so she can close out or whatever. I don't even know. I'm frightened. Do I go or skip?

 

[seekingstability]

Hi @risingsun,

I hope you went to your apt... and that everything went as well as it could.

Positive thoughts for you at this difficult time in your journey.

Rach

 

[risingsun]

@paidfor I just got back from my appointment. I found myself defending the progress I have made. As long as I don't engage in suicidality or self harm.... and I can get myself to the hospital, I can stay. Then she says, well, I don't want to leave you hanging without support....that if I still engage in these behaviors I need outside support and can always come back.

But she has made no phone calls for that outside support. I have no psychiatrist (my primary care gives me my meds)....she says keep trying to get that outside support. I live in an isolated place and cannot find it and everytime I try to call a psychiatrist (looking for a female), they are not accepting new patients. I am so confused. Either she wants to work with me as I am or I don't know. I feel so alone.

 

[ghotiff]

as long as i don't engage in suicidality or self harm....and i can get myself to the hospital, i can stay

I'm really feeling horrible about this. It seems unreasonable to me for this to be the outcome of your appointment. Its not like you 'choose' to do these things.

When I changed my T, it was really hard. My situation was different in that I had a lot of options for T's... but still it was hard to leave my first T, even when I knew it wasn't working out. My new T is so much better for me that it is like night and day....so I believe there could be a great new T for you also.

If you have the strength/energy my suggestion is to empower yourself by letting them go, and looking for a new T. If they can help you find the new T then great, if they can't...find one for yourself. You deserve a new T.

Its not to say you haven't made progress. You likely have made lots of progress, but at this point she feels she can't help you make any further progress because she doesn't have the skills to take you further. On the good side, she cares about you enough to be honest (even though it hurts) and not just take your money. Maybe you can see this is a great thing ....that you have grown and progressed to the next level, you have out grown this T.

I hope that helps.

 

[risingsun]

@ghotiff Thank you. That does help. I mean I liked the way you said that.... I do not choose to feel this way. She says that I do. I said, I clench my teeth, have nightmares and wake up sweating, severely depressed...my first emotion of the day, you know? I shouldn't have to list my accomplishments of this year to her. I mean I walked away from a job that was adding trauma onto the 'severe' trauma that started all of this. I walked away from a job in which I was bullied for a decade.

That is not easy. You're right, she doesn't have the skills to take me further, but she should have told me from the get go that she practices doesn't handle crisis kind of people...from the beginning, I told her I had suicidal thoughts and engaged in self injury. She says my thinking should have changed by now. I called up my only friend and my friend (a clinical social worker) took the therapist's side. I feel sick.

Worst part is, I just finally opened up to her a few weeks ago about how a previous therapist who was treating me for the trauma abused me. I feel sick to my stomach, like I did before I was hospitalized. I was hospitalized before I started seeing her for a spell when I stopped eating/sleeping/caring for myself some time ago.I feel like I shouldn't have told her those things (suicidal ideation/self injury) but I thought that was what therapy was for.

I shouldn't have to keep listing what has been bothering me lately. I'm tired. I looked and looked for someone as a replacement, but where I live -I live in an isolated place and so far nothing. I don't feel well.

 

[desiderata310]

WOW. I am furious FOR you. There is no reason why your therapist should treat you this way.

My therapist has worked very hard to connect with me and gain my trust. I would have ditched therapy altogether months ago and probably killed myself if he had not put so much into this.

Don't give up. I know it must be frustrating and demoralizing but there REALLY ARE good therapists out there. Just gotta find the one who can help YOU.

Please hang in there.

 

[risingsun]

The thing is.... I don't even hurt myself to a dangerous level (really I don't). And I have never nor do I plan on acting out my suicidal ideation.... that's all it is 'ideation.' She says I'm 'always in crisis'---- I don't even call with urgent messages, only time I've called is if I need to come in at a different time or whatnot. I don't know, is she even worth it? Regardless of whether or not I did hurt myself to a dangerous level or whether or not I planned on following through on ideation, does it matter? Do I defend this? Any experience with this anyone, what are your therapist's reactions to ideation or self harm?[DOUBLEPOST=1401817547,1401817363][/DOUBLEPOST]Meaning, does it matter - like is it a reason for her to give me the boot?

 

[Fadeaway]

Please stop listening to what that therapist said. It is harmful. I think everyone agrees she was out of line. You do not need to defend yourself. Should a person who broke their leg have to defend themselves because they are in pain and can not walk on it? Seriously, there isn't much difference. If you ask a person with a broken leg to go on and walk like normal with out proper treatment and taking the steps necessary for it to heal it is going to cause more damage.

She is asking a person with an injury (PTSD) to stop acting like there is an injury when it hasn't properly healed yet.

Sorry, but at least for me, where I am at in my healing process, I feel like I am in crisis at least once a week, either do to flashbacks or just trouble coping with normal everyday stress that I wouldn't have trouble coping with if I didn't have PTSD. It sucks, no one brings this on themselves or asks for it. And it is really, really, bothering me that your therapist has made you feel this way, because I have had people make me feel that way before.

I know you said you are rural, but have you looked into a therapist that would do skype? I have to drive nearly 2 hours to get to mine. (1hour 45 min.) And she has offered to do skype appointments with me.

 

[risingsun]

I know. My mind keeps going over this, like maybe if I promise her this or promise her that. But truth is, she doesn't want to work with me. If she did, she wouldnt say go get intensive services and you're always welcomed back. How many people truly return back. She could have said, "get a psychiatrist and lets work as a team".

I get my meds from my primary care because my last psychiatrist/therapist abused me. But she didn't say that. And after she told this to me last week (before our meeting yesterday), I left a message (on her machine) where my mind was racing and I was making promises, etc. If she cared about what she had said or was really worried about me, she would have returned that call.

It just saddens me, yet I haven't felt empathy in a long time from her so why do I care. Its loss, good or bad I suppose. Erase that, it sickens me. Like right now, I'm having trouble eating, haven't since yesterday. Looked for a therapist all morning.

Thats the other thing, shouldn't they be helping with the referral process? I found one woman who after researching her has had 1 strike against her for engaging in a dual relationship with a client. Seriously? It was along time ago, but I don't think I should go down that road.

I did make an appointment with a psychiatrist at a local hospital. I have no idea why but figured maybe just for now. I don't have skype unfortunately. I'm sorry I keep rehashing this over and over.

 

[risingsun]

All I require after the trauma I have suffered is a place of safety, in my relations with others, in my dreams, within my core. Why don't they get that? For everytime a therapist throws me overboard, it reshakes my core and I lose more trust with the outside world. Rather than retraumatize me, I dare a therapist to climb on my rocky boat, help me to anchor myself and to find that sense of safety . . . the safety that we all deserve. The trouble with trauma is that is doesn't fit nicely into the rigid therapy process that many practitioners utilize. Its rocky but I dare them to climb aboard and be who they were trained to be . . . guides in this universe, guides that took an oath to do no harm.