Therapist Referring Me Away Because Of Self Injury

[Deleted member 1860]

Its not like you 'choose' to do these things.

Actually, she does choose to do these things. It is an active choice to attempt suicide. It is an active choice to harm ourselves. I went through a month long self injury program and that was pounded into our heads the whole time. One attempts suicide or self harm instead of choosing a positive coping skill.

If we had no choice, we all might as well throw in the towel right now cuz none of us would get better as we didnt have the choice to use a positive coping skill instead.

 

[risingsun]

I understand what you are saying, but to defend myself, I talked about it but never attempted it. It was where my mind went where I didn't know where else to go. It was just a coping mechanism as I have been dealing with many extremely difficult situations in my life that have been compounding my depression this year and absolutely overwhelming me. Its like I haven't been given a break from anything since the trauma. But I told her this in the past.

Its where my mind goes. When I did engage in self injury which is not an everyday act (every couple months), it was a negative coping skill yes, but I didn't learn other coping skills with this therapist. I'm not proud of it. No one knows about it (except for her). It was in time of when I was severely distressed.

I am already feeling badly about doing it and even worse that I disturbed her about it. To faze me out now, though, when I'm severely depressed, I'm just trying to deal with that and I feel horrible. I have no referral. I feel physically sick and yes I have a choice and I feel like I jepardized everything with this therapist. I thought it was okay to bring these things up in therapy.

I just feel like even if I assured her I would be safe, it would always be in the back of my mind that she's not willing to go through this process with me.... like I'm not worth the time. I need someone who will stick with me through thick and thin and its not her. The theraputic relationship was just an illusion. We obviously didn't have one.

 

[Fadeaway]

I can only somewhat agree with you @Solara. We don't choose the desire or the need to self harm or the suicidal feelings. When you don't have the knowledge of positive coping skills, if you don't know any other way of handling the emotions and need to self harm then the choice of positive coping skills is non existent. Once you have learned positive coping skills, then yes it becomes a choice.

 

[risingsun]

Right now, everyone, I need to figure out what I'm going to do. Sure I had bouts of depression this year even in the therapy process. The last couple of weeks, though, some serious things have happened and since I have clinical depression on top of ptsd, I fell into a deep depression.

On the day I felt I was coming out of it and told her I woke up feeling better, that is the day, she told me she thinks I need other services. So now, I'm feeling severely depressed again and I don't know what to do, who to talk to, and how to process this....

 

[anthony]

Have you been diagnosed with a personality disorder by any chance? I ask because your posts ring of neediness, for a simple term, and I'm not saying that as a bad thing, but more that not everyone can handle people with neediness due to their trauma and thus their symptom profile. Your posts reflect a personality issue, and I wonder if this is really the root of the problem in finding a therapist that can handle your symptom profile.

 

[risingsun]

@anthony No I don't have a personality disorder. I've been diagnosed with PTSD compounded with clinical depression. I have just been in an intense panic is all. Not usually this needy. I've only had 2 therapists prior, both of whom were not trauma specialists and I ended up. So this is the first time in years I have been able to get myself back into therapy so it's a major blow due to the fact that I saw her a whole year. I thought that for once, I was going to get the help I need. I'm sorry you feel my intense panic and neediness has been overwhelming for your community here. Where I live no one is accepting new patients and that is why I am having trouble finding someone to help me.

 

[Rumors]

I think your therapist may have done you a favor in the fact that if she hadn't pointed out that you are not getting better, you would have just stayed status quo. What you perceive as rejection to you is simply your therapists realization that she is not an effective tool for your treatment. You did in fact enter therapy to illicit the help and opinion of a professional. Her opinion is that you need "intensive care" so rather than making this a personal issue, for her it is merely a professional opinion, go get intensive care so you can get better. Having suicidal ideation and self harm is dangerous and requires the right kind of help. Go get it. You are focusing on the wrong issue! What the therapist thinks about your personally is of no consequence and she is not rejecting you, but simply trying to apply the skills she was taught to help you get the right kind of help. Let go of the rejection worry and focus on why you continue to self harm and have suicidal ideation. That is the REAL issue!

Be safe and be well. I hope it all works out. I imagine when you feel better you won't give a rats ass about about what the therapist was thinking and you will just be grateful you feel better! Best, best, best wishes! Sending strength!

 

[risingsun]

@Rumors You're right I need intensive care. Really, this just happened and I wasn't taking it personal. My body was shocked, you know? I recognize I went into defensive mode. I was just taking it as another major loss or major change (good or bad) especially in the middle of kind of a clinical depressive episode, you know? I was left hanging when I need help right away and that scared me.

Anyway, I now have an appointment with a psychiatrist affiliated with a hospital. I have a good feeling and the faith that I can be directed somewhere for trauma treatment by this psychiatrist. I appreciate everyone's help on this forum. I know in my heart that it was best for me to leave somewhere where I wasn't getting the help.

Change is hard, especially when it comes knocking on the door without warning but then again, at least now I know. At least now I can get the help I deserve and you are right, I won't give one thought to this therapist at all. I am just beyond what she can offer. I do think, though, they should have a backup referral in place for a good transition though.

 

[risingsun]

So I have an appointment with a psychiatrist for later today. What am I supposed to say? I am tired of starting from the beginning of all of this. I left a message with my now ex- therapist and let her know that I would not be making our last appointment.

She called back, left a messsage, and said that she wishes me well and hopes I found someone. My nightmares are increasing. I feel like I should edit myself because what if this psychiatrist admits me based on ideation. I do want a referral to a trauma specialist but what if he has no referral and this ends up being a waste of time/money?

I'm trying to stay positive but since I reached out 3x in 11 years now and this last one ended badly, I feel like no one can help me, although I should've picked trauma specialists which i never did. I'm apprehensive about this appointment, especially since 'where he is located' - - - the location is near where a serious trauma occurred.

 

[shell]

To get the support you need you need to be honest, minimizing the truth is just wasting their time and yours. If you don't think you will harm yourself then say that, but at least be honest.

I wasted so much time and money withholding, it doesn't help.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like you are really naturally attached to her and the possibility of losing someone you have invested so much time and work with is really scary, I so get that.

I saw a therapist for awhile who wasn't good for me. She didn't have the training I needed and we both knew it from the get go,but we tries anyhow because there wasn't anyone better that either of us could find at the time. When it ended,it was horrible. It was like a new re-abandonment. It was also a good thing in the long run as it pushed me to find the trauma therapist I have now. She is in another town,and hour and a half away, and it has been worth it. I have made more progress with her in 6 months than I did with years with the old therapist.

The work with the old therapist was still valuable - it was just a start.

You are taking incredibly brave steps in the right direction. Keep going. Remind yourself you are safe now. There are people who can help you get better, sometimes it takes a few tries to find them. You are more equipped than ever to know if someone is that right person or not and you are even going to have a doc who can help find the rift person - that's huge! Don't lose hope!

 

[risingsun]

Update: I went to the psychiatrist and he took alot of notes. Interestingly, he was shocked and upset that someone I had been seeing for 2x week for a year abandoned me (or "fire me" he said) without ensuring a referral or having something in place. He kept looking through the notes he had taken and sighing and said that "there is alot going on for you and you've been through alot," but "This isn't my area. I do not specialize in trauma which you've had alot of." I was honest about my unhealthy thinking and even told him I was thinking about hospitalizing myself because I haven't been able to eat/drink really but he really didn't respond to what I was saying. He gave me the number of a woman who I can call but made no next apt with me. I gave her a call today and her secretary will call me next week. Hopefully, this will lead to something good and not a let down, you know?