Therapist revenge

[Deleted member 38906]

Usually when I have these feelings, it´s because of this. I feel like someone;
- betrayed me in one way or...

When I follow and trace back to the origin of my anger it comes down to being hurt unintentionally. In addition, when I expressed to her that she hurt me, I didn't really get a genuine attuned reponse. It felt like it was brushed off. How do you deal with the hurt so that it doesn't keep consuming your life mentally or emotionally?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

If I understand you right, you feel as though she did not acknowledge that your feelings are valid. First, when she said that you just needed to move on, and then second when she did not give you the response you wanted. Is it a possibility to tell her that this made you feel very invalidated and angry?

You understand that I´m interpreting your situation from my point of view. So if it were me, the actions of the therapist would have triggered feelings of "not being worthy of being validated". In the past this also has triggered huge anger in me. The way you can get over this is to either tell your therapist you´re angry at her.

Alternatively, if she is unable to validate your feelings, you might need to think whether or not you want this therapist in the first place. I did not read your other posts so I might be uninformed. But for me, the only thing that helped, was to ditch the people in my life who could not, or would not, validate what I felt.

The rage is only going to go away if you acknowledge the validity of what you´re feeling. Don´t let anybody stand in your way, don´t let yourself (your guilt) stand in the way. The reality is that you have a right to be angry AF. You can use the anger to let go of the guilt or let go of people who don´t understand how you feel, or to express how you are feeling to them.

You can show your anger (facial expression, tone of voice), but I´d advocate against revenge. Back in the day I unleashed all my fury on the things I owned. That was my way of having revenge - it did not go so well for me. If you get sucked into the anger, you run the risk of ending up in a loop of anger, where you exact your revenge on people/things but never move forward.

Also: :hug:

 

[Deleted member 38906]

@Moo can you tell us what you needed her to do? In order to feel safe?
If I´m understan...

I guess what I needed from her was to help me move from black and white thinking to a more high level rational way of thinking. my black and white thinking goes something like this: my mom is bad bc she hurt me, but she also cooked and cleaned and provided for me so she's good also. But she cant be both good and bad at the same time so what is she? What I would like is to grow past this type of thinking because it leaves me stuck to a more fluid way of thinking.

I think my abuser being my mother makes things tricky. Sometimes when my current T takes my mom's side and tells me that I'm ok to feel however I'm feeling, I find myself getting angry at my T and wanting to take my mom's side and defend her. sometimes i feel like im walking a tightrope..in order to maintain balance i have to keep moving myself into different positions.

i do get angry at my guilt but then when i remember the good stuff i get angry at being angry. i guess this is what they call the painful experience of being trauma bonded. you want to hate your abuser but you can't because you're bonded on a very deep level.

ps. thanks for your constructive responses.

I guess what I needed from her was to help me move from black and white thinking to a more high level ratio...

I meant to say sometimes my current T takes my side

 

[shimmerz]

was to help me move from black and white thinking to a more high level rational way of thinking.

This is a loooooonggggggg road. It doesn't just take a session or two. And perhaps she was helping you move from black and white thinking by suggesting you try a different approach (forgiveness) rather than exacting revenge, which seems like your go to emotion. Please note, there is no judgement in what I am saying. Both approaches have their value (how's that for grey thinking?)

It sounds like you are in quite a conflicted state - recognizing that she has been good to you and clearly acknowledging her abuse towards you. That is pretty normal for those of us who have had parents that made our lives hell.

For myself, the way of getting off the conflicted 'train' was to literally look at options in dealing with my feelings about it that weren't my normal 'go to' options.

I am curious. Were you able to talk to your ex T at all about the option to forgive? I am not asking because I think you should have forgiven, but instead to get the words out around the concept of leaving it behind in a meaningful way for you. I mean, it can be left behind without forgiving her. But those concepts need to be expressed, teased out, shuffled around, you know?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I think I might understand a bit. My mother used to be extremely violent one moment and then loving the next one. She struggled with tons of mental crap, so I understand why she was messed up.

I loved her, and I wanted her affection, so I tended to just bottle up my feelings and take it all. Which brought on very intense hatred/revenge feelings later on. I did end up breaking with my mother and breaking with the feelings of guilt towards myself. Because it´s not okay to treat a child like that. Regardless of what your intentions are or what you´re going through.

It´s difficult because it will always hurt. The situations that happened with my mother now date fifteen years back. But when I see her, I still feel gut-wrenching pain because part of me wants to side with her. But if I do side with her, the other feelings (of anger and resentment) just consume me. Personally, I would always choose me over her.

It isn´t selfish. You have your life, your mother has hers. You´re both entitled to your own learning processes, your own (awful) feelings and your own mistakes. But whereas your mother should have been responsible for you, you (and you alone) are now responsible for you. And for protecting you.

 

[shimmerz]

My mother used to be extremely violent one moment and then loving the next one. She struggled with tons of mental crap, so I understand why she was messed up.

Yes. I understand too. On more than one occasion my birth mother and father wanted me dead and acted upon that. But the thing is, the longer I carry that hatred with me, the more I am allowing them to kill my soul. I don't have an interest in that. So, on the upside, my mother died in a home for people with 'issues'. Similar to the 20 foster homes she put me into as an infant/toddler, where, as well, I was beaten and abused and rejected.

Birth father? He might as well be dead. I wouldn't give him the time of day if his life depended on it. But it wasn't my therapist's fault that it took me years to get over the disgust I had for them. I had to recognize that their abuse of me had the potential to be like a cancer to my soul. I decided I wasn't going to let their actions from years past run my life anymore.

Interestingly enough, there was a pivotal moment where I did actually visualize, in great detail, what SHOULD have happened to them while they were beating the shit out of my infant/baby self. It was a bloodbath. After the visualization, which I still draw on at times, I was able to walk away and deal with my own healing. Visualizations are great. No harm, no foul.

 

[Hooper]

when you are already feeling guilty about the anger you are feeling towards your abuser who is also your mother (someone you are supposed to love unconditionally)

I may have agreed with your belief that I should love my mother unconditionally prior to becoming a parent. Once I did become a parent I knew what unconditional love meant. My mother has been abusive to me since I was 10 years old and told the judge I wanted to live with my father when they were divorced. It wasn't until a little over 2 years ago that I cut off communication with her but before I did I gave her a crystal clear warning. I told her that as a parent myself there is nothing my children could do that would make me not love them but as a child of a parent there are things a parent can do that will make you never want to speak to them again and that she was very close to that point. The warning was not heeded and for my own mental health I had to cut off communication with my own mother. I am in no way suicidal but I would kill myself before I was as abusive to my sons as she has been to hers. I would also want them to have nothing to do with me if I was detrimental to their well being. I learned to parent by example but unfortunately that example was how not to parent. It has taken years of therapy on present day situations to get to the realization of the effect the past has had on me. I am all to familiar with the anger and rage you write about as well as the desire for revenge.
My anger and rage is focused on an individual who hurt the most important person in my life and did so in a premeditated fashion. He has no idea who I am. Before I knew his identity and the details of what he had done I was a happier person. Once I knew what he had done and found his identity I had a home for my anger but housing anger whether the anger is justified or not it is not healthy. My anger occupies real estate in my head and by default he does as well. It sure as hell doesn't occupy any space in the object of my anger's head because he doesn't know me from Adam. I am not one to give anything to someone who takes the most precious of things be it real estate in my head or forgiveness. Forgiveness was not an option for me and the thought of giving it made me as angry as the suggestion your T made you. I did have a breakthrough though that made it a viable option for me. I had to redefine forgiveness or based on my old definition it would never have been a viable option and just fueled more anger. I need to write my own thread on the subject but I do want you to know I know where you are coming from and the knowledge half of the blood flowing through our veins came from the person we have the greatest problem with is not lost on me either. Best of luck to you.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I may have agreed with your belief that I should love my mother unconditionally prior to becoming a pare...

it sounds like becoming a mother really helped you in a lot of ways and it also seems like you broke the cycle with your own kids. that's wonderful.

it's only a far away dream for me at this point. im so scared of having kids that i dont think ill ever be able have any. i mean they are not even born yet and i fear them and sort of hate them without them even existing. my mom would cast spells on me and wish that my future kids would turn out to be like myself and would make my life miserable. ive always pictured my kids being these evil creatures that were waiting to be born to ruin my life on purpose..bc that's apparently what i did to my mom :(

it's so hard to shake off this spell even though i dont believe in black magic or spells. it keeps haunting me.

 

[Hooper]

I actually went the route of becoming a father. With the childhood I had I never wanted children and didn't until my late 30's. I had the impression I would have no life if I had kids. I'd be bound balls and chains. The truth was I did not have a life before I had kids and it took having them to realize it. At 10 and 6 I have a long way to go but nothing has been as fulfilling in my life as being a parent. I seriously doubt you set out to ruin your mother's life. If I had to guess nothing is ever her fault. It's everyone around her. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness any way. Wish you well.

 

[Lost Marbles]

Yes. I understand too. On more than one occasion my birth mother and father wanted me dead and acted...

WOW! what a difference two years makes. Back then this post would have been full of piss and vinegar and anger overflowith. This is a beautifully peaceful easy calm in comparison. I love it.

 

[anonymous]

she implied that i should wish my abuser well

That was really wrong of her to say that

all she could tell me was to forgive, wish well and move on

And that was wrong too so I understand why the desire for revenge, I had bad therapists in the past too and wanted revenge. The desire for revenge went away when I realised it wouldn't make me feel better and I focused on getting myself well instead, just focused my energy on me and doing things I like doing.

even though i dont believe in black magic or spells

You know such things wouldn't work anyway if you don't give them any thought, if you don't believe then they are powerless, it's all psychological in my opinion whether such things work.

 

[Friday]

I'm not sadistic,

I very much doubt you're a sadist.
Just as I very much doubt that people who self-harm are masochists.

But you'd asked for help in stopping revenge-seeking behavior. Hence the quotes I shared.

If someone comes on here asking for help with stopping self-harm? (Thinking about it, fantasizing about it, intrusive thoughts about it, obsessing about it, acting on it) I'm not going to sit here and tell them what they're upset about is worth being upset about, or thinking happy thoughts about mutilating themselves isn't that bad, so don't bother doing anything. I'm going to try and give them as many resources as I can for getting their self harm under control.

***

The blog post is about a scientific study, meaning that the terminology is technical
- Sadistic/Sadism = pleasure from pain (giving) - ex - Revenge
- Masochistic/Masochism = pleasure from pain (receiving) - ex - Self harm

Both of which are worlds away from being a sadist or masochist, who may ONLY receive pleasure from inflicting pain on others, or themselves.

BigBadScaryDisorders? Are made up of normal human traits... Taken to the extreme. Most people get some degree of pleasure from pain, either their own, someone else's, or both. It's just usually a very small part of their overall makeup, or expressed in really healthy ways (like competitive sports, both playing and watching, to name one of hundreds of examples). Further along on the spectrum? You have people who are using pleasure/relief/comfort from pain as a coping mechanism. Even further down the spectrum are people who are getting pathological about it. And waaaaaaaay on down at the teeny tiny end are the people who are defined by that singular trait.