Relationship Therapy For Ptsd Vs Couples/relationship Therapy

[Faith1234]

Ok so.. my dear bf of 7 yrs just had his first therapy appointment at the VA this past Friday. His didn't say anything to me about it, although I did ask him if it went ok and all he said was... it was alright.
He didn't even look at me when he said it either so I took that as he didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't say anymore about it.
But my question is.. So he has told me a couple times that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.. I'm 6 months pregnant, he's been sleeping on the couch for about 1.5 months. Basically once I started seeing the isolation and distance things has just slowly went down hill. I feel like I have done my best as supporting him and just giving him his space and time to think, although I want to go to couples therapy.. Since he just started the VA therapy, should I not mention couples therapy until he has been going to therapy for a while? Ive been with this person for 7 years and this is the first time I have seen him this bad. I know he really wants to get better, but I just wasn't sure asking him about couples therapy would be too much for him right now. But i really think we need to go. I go to a therapist right now for myself so I can cope with this sudden change and try to be the best I can, cause its not easy when your pregnant. But there are so many posts on here about couples therapy and regular therapy, will that work for us right now or would it be too much?
Thank you

 

[Snowflakes]

@Faith1234 Since he is going to the VA for therapy, it is designed specifically for his illness. Generally speaking, the VA Health side won't involve the spouse. You said bf, so I assume you're not married so you're not a dependent for benefits purposes but, also assuming, you're pregnant with his child, then his child is his dependent and you then could receive counseling through a Vet Center attached to the VA system if he is a combat veteran. The Vet Center will work with families.

If he is willing to go to couples therapy...this would definitely help your relationship. Just be sure the couples therapist is trained in PTSD and is aware your bf is in therapy with the VA. It's important that the couples therapist works at coping skills with your relationship while understanding he is receiving therapy.

My sufferer has her own therapist for her illness and we also see a couples therapist who helps us stay together. It is helping us in our marriage. We still have the issues related to her C-PTSD but the couples therapy tends to keep us from getting to far apart.

This may not work for you and others will share their experiences but this works for us. Also....my sufferer and I have been together for 10 years so that may be a factor.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Faith1234 I forgot to add. If he just started going to the VA for PTSD therapy, I don't know if he has filed, or is going to file, a claim for service connection through the VBA side. If so, the percentage rating is largely dependent on two factors....social relationship and occupational issues. In short, how severely his PTSD affects his social life (you) and his ability to maintain gainful employment.

The reason I mention this is because his VA therapist will talk about his relationship with you and the problems you both are encountering due to his PTSD. If you and he can get to a point where you can talk a bit about your future together, and the unborn child means there is a future, you might ask him to ask his VA therapist about couples counseling.

 

[Friday]

Being both a mom & a vet? I would counsel patience.

There's this thing that just happens to a lot of us when pregnant... Of wanting to fix everything. Now. Perfect. Prepared. On top of everything. Out in front of everything. Having thought -carefully- about everything, and executed -precisely and with extreme attention to detail- everything. Some people call it "nesting" :wtf: I can't stand the term, but it still applies. From car seats to colleges, repairing relationships to remodeling rooms, preschools to pediatricians, it's often like the next 20 years have to be -right now- handled. Almost like dominos, one very present and immediate thing can trigger a whole chain reaction of everything else that needs to happen. Now.

So my personal opinion would be to wait. That may well be the wrong call. That it would be a good thing to start developing a relationship with a new counselor in the next few months so that when things get really hard after your baby is born (and things are always hard with a newborn, the no-sleep thing is no-joke) there's someone already in place to help referee the inevitable fights. But my gut says trying to add in a 3rd NEW person into your partnership (his new counselor, your new baby, & a new marriage counselor... In addition to your own counselor, and the 2 of you; so 6 people who are sticking their 2cents in, in this family) are too many new people, too much changing dynamic, too hard/too soon. That rather than easing the pressure and smoothing a difficult transition, trying to do one more thing, will be one thing too many. Now.

In 6mo? Or even better after your baby is 6mo old? Totally different answer. But for right now? Easy does it. Just my opinion.

 

[Faith1234]

I see what your saying, although it started 6months ago and it has just gotten worse.. I feel like were growing apart rather than closer together already.. Or is this feeling normal? I don't want to lose him completely... I have kept my 9 yr old and myself as busy as we can to give time a space. Its so hard cause my 9 yr old will ask him to play a game or do something with him.. (which they use to do) but now he just tells him no, every time my son asks him to interact its always no.. It hurts.. My son doesn't understand why.. and then my son just looks at me like.. what did I do mom? Or my son will say I love you to him and he says nothing.. I don't know I'm just trying to do the right things to make this better in which I have been trying for 6 months.. Like I said we have been together for 7 years and no we are not married but yes I am pregnant with his child. I honestly have not asked him when his next VA appointment is cause he just seems like he's got ALOT on him mind with a serious face all the time, so I don't bother to ask. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells right now, and if I talk to him too much its like too much for him and he will just go downstairs and play video games for hours and drink beer. It doesn't register to me as talking too much I'm just trying to have a conversation.. I sit on the opposite couch watching tv/ doing cross word puzzles.. He doesn't really even talk to me unless I ask him something. But if the cat or dog come by him he baby talks the animals and cuddles with them. He has been like this for a while so I have learned to not say stuff and just let it be.. But its still hard to watch! My bf also says I don't want to give you mixed signals (as in a kiss hi or bye) cause he doesn't feel that way towards me anymore.. I wanted to give him just a huge so many times, but I don't.. When he leaves in the morning he says " ok I'm going to work" and walks out the door. I say " hope you have a good day".. and I get nothing back. He doesn't even really make eye contact with me.. If I text him and say.. I hope you have a good day, I get no response.. Its very hard to just sit here while pregnant and get absolutely nothing from him. I feel like I'm a roommate.. Or someone that he doesn't want around, or a person that is a annoyance to be around, but then again I don't do anything.. Its just what his demeanor, body language, and conversations make me feel like. This is extremely difficult right now, and I appreciate everyone's feed back, cause I am trying so very hard.
Thank You

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Hello

I just started here yesterday and received some great feedback and support as will you. It's helpful. From my own experience in the midst of a similar crisi- although not pregnant- I can tell you that my man has completely shut me out. My request for couples therapy was met with the calm and icy Chief response of 'I can't deal with you or anyone'. He refused. And refused. And shut me out completely. He has been seeing his VA PTSD therapist for a year and a half now and he is worse than he ever was. Other readers in this forum have advised me to focus on myself and leave him be, as he has made this choice for us there isn't much I can do to change his mind. My heart goes out to you, more than you know. I'm so so sorry. All I can say is go through the motions of taking very very good care of yourself and your baby. If it were me I would try to seek help for yourself from the VA as the child is a family dependent. Perhaps there is a parallel program that you can work through yourself and hopefully at some point the two of you can combine your efforts as a couple in conjunction with his PTSD work. If not hopefully you have a good therapist who deals with PTSD and can help you learn to function. Our strong warriors get lost and overwhelmed in this process and for the first time in their lives -for some of them-they come to the conclusion that they cannot figure things out. This terrifies, shames, infuriates and changes them. Just my take. I wish you love and strength and again I'm so sorry.

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Also with regards to your 9 yr old, perhaps- and others please ring in here- you may want to explain that his father figure is sick, like with something like cancer in his mind, and that's it's hurting him and that his meanness is not because of your boy, it's because he is sick and hurting and that it may take a while to get better. Children do well when they are given simple explanations they can grasp. It's important for your son to know it isn't him and he hasn't done anything wrong. ❤

 

[Faith1234]

It was hard to read that message but it does make sense.
I have so many things going on in my head right now... He bought a house this past October and then I found out I was pregnant in November. But I have had to do a lot of things to actually move to this location.. My son was going to school at a different location before we moved, I had my mother here to help me watch my 9yr old after school etc.. at the other location. Now my mother has moved out of state and I do not have any other family here to help me. I have made some huge decisions and leaps to move my son and I to this location and now I'm suppose to do what? I mean its closer to work for me.. But Tuesdays my dear bf would pick my son up due to my work schedule and I work later that day.. He said he would pick him up on Tuesday.. Cause my son sat there and asked him if he could.. but there was a long pause and sigh.. before he said yes. I in turn said I can leave work early and pick him up, but he then just said no ill do it. So I'm sitting here.. Ok do I keep on focusing on me my son and my baby until this baby is born, live in the same house.. and go from there.. I have no clue.. Then sometimes I see my bf joke with my son and smile, and I sit there and am like.. " Ok is this him trying or"... I just don't know.. I have some many things going on in my head I'm just trying to do the right thing.. Thank you for responding, I really appreciate it!! A lot..
I'm just confused, hurt and sad. I know he cant control some of the things he does and I don't yell or anything.. The more I'm on here it helps a lot when I get answers from you all!! I actually am going to a therapist myself, I go again this week. Maybe I need to have more patience.. But it just feels as though I have been extremely patient. Me being pregnant of coarse doesn't help when you got all these hormones etc.. ha
But I'm trying my best, thank you all very much.

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Keep hanging in there. Spend as much quality time with your 9 yr old as you can. A dear friend told me something yesterday, she said "it's not the end of the story!", so I take that to mean there is hope. I'm sure it was tough when your Mom left and can't help you so your going to have to be creative. It sounds like your first is becoming more overwhelmed with himself and that thranslates to inability to do stuff you need holiness to. Maybe look online for a Moms group at your sons school and maybe you can take turns picking up kids? Maybe one of his teachers can help with suggestions. Maybe ask to leave a flyer at his school for help from other parents? Make connections where you can, and hopefully you'll find some help. Wishing you calm and rest and strength.

Sorry- bad spell check...bf, not 'first'...

 

[grimalkin]

I'm going to second @Friday's suggestion in taking the couples counseling thing slow, especially since yours just started his own therapy and things are going to change rapidly in the coming months with a new baby. I could see that being way overwhelming for him.

My soon to be ex and I started couples counseling, and his PTSD first came out in that. He was not, and is not, in therapy of his own to deal with anything, and once the trauma came to the surface, it went way downhill, fast. I suspect this is from lack of his own coping tools, his sudden opening up to me, and becoming very vulnerable (and no way to cope with that, either), and his inability to deal with, or attempt to meet, my own needs, which were finally getting voiced.

Once your guy has some coping tools in his corner, and a new baby is a bit less new, it might be more doable.

And I like the idea of you getting your own help, independent of him. See who you can enlist to help out. If you need a "reason," you can always just say an illness is requiring you to get some extra help.

*hugs if you want them* Your patience will be tested to its limits in the coming months, methinks. Make sure you keep your support system in place and take care of you (and your kids) first.

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Faith1234
How are you doing today? Wishing you hope!
Hugs

 

[Snowflakes]

I value @Friday and @grimalkin advice greatly. Both have helped me through this maze. I'm not giving advice in this post, just sharing my story. I've been on this roller coaster for 10 years with my CPTSD sufferer. I will give her credit for taking her meds and going to therapy. I've always tried my best to be a great supporter but it was never good enough. This past weekend, I finally got to the end of my rope. I could not take one more step. Something clicked in my head that told me I shouldn't live out what few years I may have left without joy in my life. I was done. I really was.

I asked my therapist if she could be a couples therapist even though my sufferer has a therapist. It was my last hope. I truly thought I would walk after that session. She thought she could. My sufferer agreed. In the session all three of us agreed I was "off the hook.", that I no longer was a supporter. I got the feeling that it was a guy thing; you know, we are hard wired to fix things. I wasn't allowed to fix anything.

I could enforce my boundaries about being treated respectfully and I could walk away when my sufferer reverted to her past, but I had no responsibility other than to remember the incident for the next session. Living in the past was for the therapy sessions and living in the present was our goals for the day. If the demons of her past needed to reach out and touch someone, it was no longer me. It was the therapist.

It was a huge light bulb moment for me and still a bit difficult to relate that feeling here in this post. It actually reminded me of that line in the Shawshank Redemption movie with Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman...... I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying.

I was told to let go and the couples therapist would take the heat. My sufferer has a lot to work on and the 2 therapists are aware of each other. Is this the answer? I don't know. I do know a week ago I had one foot out the door. Today, there is hope.

@Faith1234 I hope with all my heart you find the peace you need. I also pray your Vet finds the peace he needs. This is a tough road we all walk....both sufferers and us who want to help them.