Therapy is a trauma

[finding_my_way]

I have yet to have a good therapy experience. Even when I find a good therapist, something shifts in the person. Something triggers the person. They make me feel like I'm too much to handle and a bad person, and they abandon me in emotionally traumatizing ways. They do it in ways that put them as the 'good person' and 'hero,' and paint me as the 'villain.' But that's not possible. Therapy is THEIR responsibility. Unless I hurt the person in any real way, nothing I could do in therapy could be my fault. The relationship and boundaries are theirs to hold.

I am so sick of the mental health profession. They claim to be helping professionals, but I find the empathy continuously empty, shallow, and feigned. Even the best of them are insincere and incompetent. Competency should and must include competency with letting a client go!

Sorry to be on a soapbox here. I'm just done with this therapy world. I am strong enough for myself and I don't need to fill anyone's wallet and ego any longer. I'm in this world for ME and these therapists can go use someone else for their self-worth.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Well said :)

 

[finding_my_way]

Thanks for listening, Cj. It was a hard journey to get to that realization, but I'm stronger for it.

 

[Rumors]

Therapy is not their responsibility. It is a partnership but the work to be done is, the healing, is up to you. They can't make you heal and they certainly cannot make you less of a victim if you choose to stay in that mindset.
It sounds as if you have had a hard time with therapy and I am truly sorry that has been the case. Therapy is hard. It tests us to limits which we haven't seen. However, you have to challenge your thinking and cognitive perceptions or you likely will not see any change.

Unless I hurt the person in any real way, nothing I could do in therapy could be my fault.

I respectfully disagree. Using the word fault sounds like a cognitive distortion to me, however we do in fact have responsibilities while we are in therapy. Some of those would include, doing the work, taking responsibility for your healing, being on time and present, honesty, making good behavioral choices, etc. Perhaps the therapists you have seen come to see you as not taking responsibility for your healing. Therapists are only partners in this journey. They aren't omniscient rulers that give you all the answers. They are there to simply teach you tools along the way to help YOU heal. If you choose to not use those tools and hold them responsible for your healing journey, you likely will find yourself in the same victim mode that likely brought you there.... this post is not meant to be an attack but merely another way to look at it. Good luck in your journey. I truly hope you find your way!!!

 

[finding_my_way]

I have done the work, taken responsibility for my healing, and all of the above. My therapist had her own life issues, my situation triggered her, and she took it out on me. This is the fourth therapist to do so, probably a side effect of long-term therapy. She also was absent of all boundaries, which damaged the relationship. The condition for which I received treatment was one in which they transferred my dependency from a behavior to them and never knew how to transfer responsibility to me. Those observing objectively saw this scenario even before I did. We each have our own interpretations, and I am glad therapy works for you. I, however, believe the greatest strength is from within. We can talk about our stories and learn new skills, but at some point, we have to walk out the door. Most therapists who I have met are not competent at traversing this final stage. I am very happy if you have found someone who has that unique skill; in the eating disorder (based in trauma) field, especially, it's a rare find.

And in response to 'therapy is hard' and 'we have to take responsibility.' It is hard. I did the work. I continue to do the work. But my responsibility NEVER includes taking care of my therapist's emotions. NEVER. And, in long-term therapy, I have found therapists seem to forget that fact.

 

[The Albatross]

That would have been a cue to be assertive and proactive rather than conclude "Therapy is a trauma" or "Most therapists who I have met are not competent at traversing this final stage." I am sorry that you've had that experience/those experiences. In my own case, therapy provided a safe bubble for me to process things/people/situations until I could make my own decisions. And you are right... transference to reliance on someone in lieu of a behavior doesn't usually go well.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Sounds like you have seen and experienced a lot. Depending on what the nature of the trauma, our perception of any person "trying to help" can be distorted.

Lack of trust, people with ulterior motives or agendas, being hurt over and over again by people who should be safe will definitely create a nearly impossible situation.

Key word being "nearly". There are good therapists out there, but yes sometimes it can take a while to find the right match for you. Boundaries should be set and maintained by both of you. Developing trust and security is a must when working through trauma.

Once we've had a bad experience with a therapist (2 even worse) it certainly does make us either back away completely or show a huge amount of strength to be willing to keep trying - which you have.

The problem as I see it, this is only my opinion... you've now decided that there can't be a therapist that will maintain boundaries. That's a cognitive distortion (although I get why). You're going into an assessment already having decided it won't work. That effectively sabotages the possibilities before the first meeting.

You're right. It won't work, and you'll be back to square 1.

Why not go in and simply state from the very beginning exactly what your experiences have been. What your expectations are and why. Let the therapist think about it and then really listen to what they have to say. Try not to judge the person or the entire profession because of the past.

Trauma is trauma. Pain is pain. I certainly started with every protective wall I could put up when first meeting with my therapist. He has since proven over and over that there are fantastic therapists out there... although likely plenty of kooks too.

Please don't give up. Maybe some time to clear your head, but don't shut down. You're worth much more than that.

 

[finding_my_way]

I appreciate the perspective. I do think any therapy I go into moving forward would have to start out with a conversation about putting a time-limit on our work. I think I have learned what I need to feel safe. And that would have allowed this last experience to end without a rupture at the level of mine; understandably, my therapist's husband had a medical emergency, her defenses were down, and though she had poor boundaries long before then, her poor boundaries combined with her emotional fragility to lead to chaos. I was unfortunately the target of that outburst. I still know, however, long before then, her empathy became feigned, her boundaries disintegrated, and her wallet became her focus. Doesn't mean this will always happen. But for now, I also believe therapy must come to an end at some point in everyone's life - it can't be as regular as a workout (and it costs so much more than the gym!). Maybe someone with real empathy will fill it's place. But to all who asked me to reconsider, I do appreciate the perspective. If I feel a need in the future, I will reconsider.

 

[joeylittle]

But my responsibility NEVER includes taking care of my therapist's emotions. NEVER.

This is 100% true. Could not agree more. It's actually something that many people (including myself) struggle with.

I just want to point out something in the way you are thinking about this, that it would be good for you to spend some time on.

They make me feel like I'm too much to handle and a bad person, and they abandon me in emotionally traumatizing ways. They do it in ways that put them as the 'good person' and 'hero,' and paint me as the 'villain.

Lets take this apart.

The fundamental thing to remember: People don't force us to feel certain ways. The phrase, "they make me feel like I'm too much to handle and a bad person" isn't helpful, because so long as you attribute your feelings to someone else's actions, you are giving up your ability to work on your own thoughts and feelings.

An example of how this works: lets say we are in therapy, and a client has just disclosed that they were the victim of long-term CSA.
Therapist: I am so sorry to hear that happened to you - I can't imagine what it would have been like to live through that.
Client thinks: "They pity me - they think I'm a freak, and they don't understand. They think I'm a problem. Maybe they don't believe me...they think I shouldn't have lived."
Client feels: shame, anger, panic.
Therapist: I'm glad you are here. We will work on this, together. It will be hard, but we can get you through this.
Client thinks: "They are probably lying."
Client feels: sad
Therapist: Can I ask, what are you thinking about right now?
Client (long pause)...Nothing.

I'm not saying that this is your thought process - but I'd ask, what are some things that therapists have said to you in the past that have led you to believe that they are judging you? How much is your PTSD affecting how you 'hear' what they say?

Our emotions are directly tied to our thoughts, which are under our control. This doesn't mean that we aren't affected by other people - of course we are. But if you look at the first thing the therapist said, in the example above -

Therapist: I am so sorry to hear that happened to you - I can't imagine what it would have been like to live through that.
They aren't saying anything other than - they are really sorry for what you went through, and they are validating that it was an intensely painful, traumatic experience.

Our negative core beliefs, the things that we believe about ourselves as a result of the trauma, instill us with thoughts like:
I'm a problem, I'm bad, I shouldn't have survived, No-one will help me, I'm alone, My problems are too much, It was my fault...they go on and on, but that's generally what we are walking in the door with. So it's natural that everything we hear is going to pass through that filter, and sometimes comes out kind of twisted.

A good therapist will hopefully be able to teach you about this, and pull some of these beliefs out of you and address them, at least as far as the therapeutic alliance is concerned. And they usually need to be re-addressed periodically. A good therapist will challenge your beliefs, but ideally do so in a way that works you through them, as opposed to not. And, lets be honest, some of us are in need of really, really really talented therapists - at least, when we are starting out.

A weaker therapist won't have the observational skill or experience that lets them see how these thoughts percolate in the client. They may lack the tools to address them. I want to be clear - not all therapists are awesome, many of them are seriously lacking in ability. But when you notice that it's become a pattern, that's when you have to really look at yourself and see how your own thoughts might be contributing to your belief that the therapist is hurting you.

My therapist had her own life issues, my situation triggered her, and she took it out on me. This is the fourth therapist to do so, probably a side effect of long-term therapy.

Every therapist has their own life issues, and they are definitely supposed to manage them outside the room.

But unless she told you that your situation was triggering to her, I'm not sure how you can know this. If she told you outright, of course, that's different. But (for example) here's a thing that therapists sometimes end up having to say:

Therapist: I am afraid that I don't have the necessary skills to keep working with you. I do have some ideas for how we can get you to someone who is going to be able to better address your needs.

That's one of the hardest things for a client to hear. I think many of us are afraid of being told just that. I was told it once, and it was shocking and terrible, and she was also totally right to have told me, and I am so glad she did. I think it took me a year to be OK with it.

Again: I'm not saying that this is what is happening to you - I'm making a lot of hypothetical leaps.

But do you think it's possible that some of the negative things you believe about yourself are influencing how you perceive the things therapists have said to you?

 

[finding_my_way]

A lot of truth, joeylittle. And of course, there is always truth to playing the 'victim' at times. I do wish it were only cognitive distortion at play here. Unfortunately, my therapist actually crossed far too many boundaries. Her behavior was highly unethical, and I fed into that because, of course, that nurtured my unhealthy needs. However, as I said, her choices were unethical and it was not my responsibility to care for her needs or her emotions. I won't go into the boundary-crossings, but needless to say, if I took this to a supervising counselor of any sort, my concerns would, without a doubt, be substantiated. It was time for this therapeutic relationship to end. If only it could have ended without the traumatic rupture that it was (ie being told point blank that I was 'responsible for her client's suicide attempt.' Yeah, of course that's my fault :rolleyes:)

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Thanks for listening, Cj. It was a hard journey to get to that realization, but I'm stronger for...

It's good you came out stronger from it...I didn't have a good experience and was retraumatized? (cant think of the correct word, that may not be it) by a therapist a few years ago......

 

[finding_my_way]

(((safehug CJ))) I understand fully the retraumatization. The only strength came from having to go through this experience far too many times. My former T is still crossing boundaries and contacting me after termination and a closed balance ... and each contact lets another wound bleed just a little more. Your video was incredibly helpful, too; thanks for sharing!

It's such a shame when helping professionals do more harm than good ... and then (often) don't even acknowledge the harm they are doing.