Therapy Relationship Has Fallen Apart.

[nomorechickenlittle]

I am so sorry for the pain you must have felt in this. You are doing the best you can and it is ha...

Thank you. I am also being slapped in the face with the fact that it is first and foremost about money. I think my social isolation played a big part in that. there are very few people I trust enough to even have a relationship with and none that i am even close to the level of intimacy that i had with my shrink. One of the issues i went to him for actually. I also have a bias. As much as I know and respect that people deserve and should be paid for their work I was paying him (low rate) way more than I am paid. I know he makes 80$ - $260 p/h f/t lives in a paid off multi million dollar home dual professional income. I shouldnt even say that b/c i know he has every right to charge whatever he wants and work with whoever he wants but i guess i know he's not hurting financially or (i can only assume) mentally. But psychotherapy is not charity. I just know how hard i'm struggling. in reality i'm beyond where i should be b/c of that struggle. So it has pros and cons. I am taking it as not being cared for, cared about, not being liked, or that's what it's triggering. $ is more important to him than helping me and yes i know that's a victim statement. I'm working on that. I wish he would have brought it up before b/c when i did have savings i could have possibly increased it. cest lavie.

 

[nomorechickenlittle]

That's a lot of deep feeling you are wrangling with. I'm glad writing it out has given you some rel...

Thank you. yes! I do need to look at things from different viewpoints. Regarding:

"It's a business arrangement, first and foremost. He was definitely scattered with his communication - but, the next time you email someone in a professional capacity and expect to hear back from them, follow up promptly if you haven't heard from them. Communication with a care provider is a shared responsibility, always."

As i wrote in my post not hearing back from him was a regular occurrence with me often having to call multiple times and plead for an appt. When i would get one I would explain that him not getting back to me felt that he wanted to fire me or that he didnt want to work with me anymore. He would declare that he 'didnt have anything" (which he later admitted was a lie) That final time I just gave up, it was like the last crushing blow. I was just so hurt, i felt 'dumped'. I slid into the biggest depression in years for most of the winter crying every day just feeling like a pathetic loser. I remember thinking being dumped by your shrink was about as low as it gets. I just gave up and crumbled into depression rather than saying enough wth is going on. I'd had enough of calling multiple times and think i was just too hurt to confront him. (I have a tendency to hurt and internalize when i feel treated unfairly rather than confront but really i had confronted multiple times by saying that when he didnt get back to me i felt tha he wanted to fire me) So i think on some level i was like wtf is the point? I remember feeling immense pain that i had been dumped. But when i came around 2 1/2 months later and really confronted him on it ("how long is awhile?) he still lied. So I think i tried my best to communicate throughout but my efforts were met with dishonesty. I dont think he owned his part in the responsibility of communication.

"think you are over-personalizing that. He was struggling with your inability to pay consistently on time. That's a very small thing. He wasn't struggling with whether or not he could help you as a therapist. He wasn't 'hating' you. He was hating the situation. These are different things."

YES! I am definitely taking it personally. I feel dumped that he doesnt like me or care. I know that's partially b/c i need to feel cared about there is a lack of it in my life and I was putting that need on my therapeutic relationship. It's something i'm working on. I dont have an issue with him feeling a need for different payment parameters at all. I have an issue with him not disclosing it and allowing it to damage myself and our relationship. That's not a small thing to me. His behavior regarding this caused me great pain. I really doubt we'll ever work together again. I think that would be foolish on my part. I should have left a long time ago when i became aware that i was not getting what i needed from him and especially when it began to hurt. But i was dependent on the sliding scale fee and hated the idea of therapist shopping. i had done it before him and found it difficult to find a decent therapist. I really liked him, i trusted him and the idea of starting over was not exciting, all those appointments discussing history just to get to present day only to find they are not a good fit. But probably would have been a better option looking back. thanks a lot for your feedback

 

[nomorechickenlittle]

There seems to be a lot of "stuff" flying around between you and your current therapist. I'm kinda surpr...

Yes, it is time for a change. The relationship is too damaged

 

[Freedomfighter]

Yep, gotta agree, when a patient travels to a medical professional for care it is a business matter. So many times I come across posts that show patients who are personally involved in matters that are only patient doctor matters. If a medical professional gets paid by the patient then such points should be mute. More and more, when sifting through patient posts I detect that many patients seem to want to connect to the T personally. When I see terms such as : the T "dumped " the patient or the T "abandoned " the patient or a patient that, after telling him or her about abuse, that this somehow enables the patient to then treat the T like a family member, which is quite strange.
If I were a T I would practice great caution, seems many people confuse the doctor visits with family matters, must be scary for a therapist for sure.

 

[nomorechickenlittle]

Yep, gotta agree, when a patient travels to a medical professional for care it is a business mat...

I'm not understanding your reply. He was a psychologist and the biggest issue is the betrayal, being lied to.

 

[nomorechickenlittle]

Yes, it is time for a change. The relationship is too damaged

Yes beyond repair. He's caused too much pain.

 

[erigby]

This is weird. Time to find someone else.
I can't even begin to imagine this happening with my therapist.
Based on the fact that this was all via e-mail or text (?) I would consider an older therapist who hasn't fallen into the "lets work everything out via written communication so we don't have to actually see each other face to face."
He should've called you or set an appointment to chat in person.
My therapist would never put up with discussing our therapeutic relationship anywhere other than in the office, face to face.
I am sorry this has happened to you.
4 years is a long time to be with someone. I understand it will be difficult to start with someone new.
He should never have let it get to this point.
You need to find someone else.


apologies...8 years...
8 years is a long time for any relationship.
It will be painful to move on.
You can do it.

 

[nomorechickenlittle]

apologies...8 years...
8 years is a long time for any relationship.
It will be painful to move on.
You c...

Thank you. I believe i am still in processing mode. I have not responded to him yet. i want to be at least 1/2 done processing how i feel before i do. I am extremely hurt and angry and insulted and offended by his apology. I believe i am focusing on the bad in it rather than the good but the apology further hurt me and twisted things. His apology for blindsiding me and cancelling the appt seemed profound and genuine. But, his explanation that his anger and unwillingness to book appts with me was due to him 'doing something he didnt want to do' hurt even more. He admitted to having lied to me repeatedly as i had expressed to him numerous times for at least a year that i felt he wanted to fire me as a client, that he didnt want to work with me anymore. He said it was lack of appts. I trusted him to be honest. I dismissed my feelings b/c as a long term therapist i trusted his word. To me that is taking advantage of someone's trust, of his position. For lack of a better word a mind ****. I am sorry that i was not manageable enough to give him notice that i was broke, that i assumed that a payment delay would be acceptable. But as it had happened before i didnt think it would be such an issue. After the absence when i confronted him about getting an appt and he'd offered me one my first reaction was 'too quick don't know if i have $ now" but it was so quick it was borderline subconscious and quickly dismissed by the fact that i had practically demanded an appt and didnt feel comfortable saying no. I guess i didnt spell it out clearly we met via phone b/c during the course of working together i'd moved away but wanted to remain a client.

 

[erigby]

Thank you. I believe i am still in processing mode. I have not responded to him yet. i want...

I am glad you are processing all of this.
There is much pain in your words.
I am sorry this happened to you.
Perhaps a final session with your T to say goodbye but already have another appointment set up with you new T?
Another option would be to talk about all of this with your T in person.
No more e-mail conversations.
Write down what you want to him to know. What are the most important things you need him to hear?
I might even write a letter and read it to him.
Be very clear about your emotions and how his behavior is hindering the relationship and your recovery.
I would try to stay away from the financial stuff.
If he is your therapist he is your therapist and financial issues should be discussed with clear expectations and not tied up in emotion.
Also, try to remember, we have no idea what might be going on his personal life or who his other clients might be and what they may be struggling with.
He needs to take responsibility and set an appointment to talk to you in person.
If he can't...you need someone who can be that kind of T.

 

[nomorechickenlittle]

I am glad you are processing all of this.
There is much pain in your words.
I am sorry this happened to...

I was wondering about that. Normally i find it proper etiquette to communicate in the manner that the other person has initiated in. Immediately after he cancelled appt i PHONED him and said that we needed to talk. I also followed with the barrage of emails but i did call. So his last 'apology' where he noted that he'd behaved that way b/c he'd not been honest with me was via email. Classless or not????? I think so, think he should have called but could use another opinion b/c i honestly admit i have a real hate for him going on right now

 

[joeylittle]

Classless or not????? I think so, think he should have called but could use another opinion b/c i honestly admit i have a real hate for him going on right now

If it were a friendship, I'd say it were classless. But it was not a friendship. I am sorry it all got as hard as it did for you; but I think he made the right choice to maintain distance and give you the info in a written form, where it could not turn into more of a discussion.

 

[nomorechickenlittle]

If it were a friendship, I'd say it were classless. But it was not a friendship. I am sorry it all...

Really? I think that especially a professional relationship (8 years) and that it was an apology #1 would dictate phone. Hmm i do want to get more opinions on this. Thanks a lot though. Interesting i will ponder