Therapy Tomorrow And I'm Not Freaked Out!

[Iam]

For the first time in months I am heading into my therapy session not feeling totally freaked out about what is going to happen. At least tonight I'm not LOL....we'll see about tomorrow. Every time I get anxious about knowing I am going to have to "talk" about another part of my trauma diary I remember how last week turned out. I am praying that tomorrow night will turn out to be the same.....a relief and a comfort.

I know where this going....that eventually I will be dealing with my actions (bad choices I made out of incorrect thinking). When I think of the things I have done, damage I have caused to my husband, children and myself, not ever meaning to hurt them, but hurting them just the same, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Oh well, that is for the future to sort out and by then, maybe I will be more prepared to deal with it.

Oh to be free from fear, sadness, guilt, anger, panic. I look forward to the day that I am no longer chained and bound by them!

 

[Deleted member 541]

It so hard in therapy, to drag up the very crap that we have tried so hard to forget about. I sympathize with you totally. As far as the guilt thing, I understand that too, more than you know. I think the one thing that helps me, is what Dr Phil always says about guilt. To have guilt, you had to have intent. As with me, I did not have the intentions of hurting my daughter, but did none the less. This doesn't take away my guilt, but it does help me to put things in better perspective....

I hope tomorrow(or today) goes well...

 

[Iam]

Thanks She Cat. I like that concept of intent. No I never intended to hurt my sons, far from it. I am greatful that they know that too and have forgiven me.

I did however do something to my husband that I believe was intended to hurt him...though I never had any intent of telling him about it. At the time, I was done, sure that I was going to leave him. Oh man was that a bad choice. In the last 2 months since I have accepted the diagnosis of PTSD he has been so supportive. Reading about PTSD and the book on the therapy technique that my T and I are using. I've been open with him like never before and he is an incredible support. Which of course makes me feel even guiltier. My T says that we never feel totally accepted until the worst in us is accepted. Still.....I don't think I will ever tell my husband what I did. Why put him thru pain just to relieve my own guilt? I think it is a secret that I will carry to my grave. It makes me sad to think that it will always be something in the background coming between us. That's a bridge I don't need to cross yet though. For now, I will work on the traumas and see where it leads me. I am so fortunate to have a sensitive T who can lead me through this quagmire!

 

[Deleted member 541]

The type of guilt that you are speaking about, concerning your husband........ Well, that is a bit different, and keeping the secret maybe something that will eat at you forever. But, that is something that you will have to wrestle with within yourself. I wish you well, with whatever decision that you make....

 

[cherryblossom]

I agree with She Cat. Only you know whether keeping that 'secret' is the right thing to do. I'm also not sure that telling him, would be solely about relieving your guilt. Would it also be about moving onwards, starting your future with no secrets? Just a thought.

It sounds like you are doing well in therapy, however tough it is. Continue your hard work, it will be woth it in the end.

Regards,
CB

 

[gdf]

There will come a time when you know it is right to tell him. He may already sense or feel it but, as lovers, who know each other so long and so well there will come that moment when people who are bonded in love and commitment know it is right to say the things on your heart. And at that very perfect time you will be able to tell him if it is meant to be told. Those moments are almost mystical...spiritual. Until that very right time I am confident you will continue to seek wisdom through our very strong and gentle God and let Him guide you.

 

[Iam]

Thanks Gina. I believe you are right. I will not tell him unless I feel God pressing me, maybe I should say leading me to do it. And if that is the case it will be ok.

As far as my husband knowing....he can pin point the month that my attitude changed and depression set in. He has told me that he wants the old me back. So yes, he knows something happened, but I very much doubt that he even suspects the truth. He now is just placing it on the PTSD. That's fine by me and is in a way true. My reaction and actions were due to my PTSD and my not knowing it. Ignorance is no excuse, but I am glad I understand myself better now! Maybe I won't make such a devestating mistake again.