Panicked about therapy tomorrow

[hymnless]

I’m completely panicked about going to therapy tomorrow. I just saw my t on Monday and things are in a difficult place so I know it’s going to be a rough session. She wants to work on me actually telling her my trauma rather than me just nodding yes or no.... so I understand the purpose obviously, but now I just want to run. Every part of me is screaming at me to just ghost her and never go back. I’m completely terrified. Anyone else?

 

[Stephernovas]

That's like my therapist and when she kept pushing me to start exposure therapy. I continually said no. She can't physically force you to do anything. Go at a pace you are comfortable with. One thing that is helpful to learn is that you ARE in the driver's seat, and just because you left a session on more of a rough note, doesn't mean it's going to be the exact same experience coming in.

I remember a few weeks ago I panicked at the end of my last session. The next week, she made it a point to be relaxed and almost casually dismissive about it happening, as a way to ease me into safety again. It was all good. You got this!

 

[Freida]

@Stephernovas is right. Pushing is good at times, but you are still in control. You might find you can tell her the whole thing or maybe just a couple words. Either way its a win. And if you can't do it, no biggie. Try again next week

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s ok.

Just B-R-E-A-T-H-E...!

I have a crazy session on Friday. I’m writing down EVERYTHING because it’s going to be a marathon fast paced session. Thank GOD my therapist thinks and speaks fast because we have a lot to cover.

It’s going to be ok. I promise.

Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Just reading your post sent my anxiety up to an 8. Any time I try to speak my trauma I lose the ability to say anything. I have been able to read parts of it that I have written down out loud. That was with my first T. In emdr I only have to say a little bit, I like that better. It is still horrible processing the trauma, but I don't have to say all of the details.

I wish you luck. Maybe you could write it down and then read it to her?

 

[hymnless]

Thanks for the love guys. I think a lot of the anxiety is from previous attempts with other therapists that went terribly wrong. Also I take forever to open up so like 45 minutes in I’m willing to start talking a tiny bit and then it’s over. Which is what led to us ending in such an awkward spot. She wanted me to be prepared for the fact that we might actually start to talk about it tomorrow. It’s just generally very overwhelming. I also have strong feelings about crying (I don’t do it, esp in front of others) and it feels like I’m either going to end up completely frozen, dissociated, or sobbing.

Ah @TexCat I wish that were a good option. Unfortunately I want to puke when I write down or say scary stuff, so it doesn’t help :-/

 

[Sandstone]

I just want to run. Every part of me is screaming at me to just ghost her and never go back. I’m completely terrified.

Yes. It feels like a fight for survival. But I know that is because it was exactly that. My mind kept me alive by shutting off those events.
I also know that today I'm not in that fight any more, it just feels like it. I know that I need to go back over the past and rebuild my reactions to it, which feel like a threat to my survival. I hate PTSD

 

[MyWillow]

Is it worth requesting an extended session to give you time to stabilise afterwards?

I’m still at a stage where I dissociate/flashback every damn session with little provocation and no memory of trauma so I absolutely get the whole ending each session on a rough note. Take care. This is your therapy. Your choice.

 

[hymnless]

Yeah @Sandstone I hate it too. Whenever I have times like this I start to think about the fact that this will always be a part of me (even if it gets better) and that kills me to remember.

@MyWillow that's something that we’ve talked about before but it ends up working out usually. She tries to make me her last appointment of the day so that if we go over it’s not a big deal. She always goes a full 60 minutes (usually more like 75-80 minutes), she’s kept me an entire 45 minutes extra before because we were in the middle of a conversation that I’d been unwilling to have previously so she just let it keep going naturally. My biggest issue is that it’ll often take me like 10 minutes to collect an entire thought and say all 10 words that go with it lol. Even with an extended session time is not on my side. She’s incredibly generous with her time and makes sure that I’ll be (mostly) functional when I walk out the door and will generally text me the next day to check in after a tough session. The only reason I’m in a rough spot right now is that last time we met she wanted to “plant the seed” that we are going to start talking about scary stuff. I’d like her to take that seed back

 

[Stephernovas]

So please keep in mind that I do not know your story. I can only go by what I read on here and have no intention of upsetting you. After reading your last comment about your therapist staying later just to get things out of you sounds like she is putting in more work for your therapy than you (please remember I am not trying to be insulting - simply an observation - and if I am wrong, please correct me).

However, with that in mind, is there any way you would be able to reflect and think of ways to help convey the information to her (writing it down??). My concern is that she is spending all this extra time struggling to 'pulling information', that eventually she will burn out (or something). Perhaps you could help her by trying to find a new approach to share your story? - I mean, maybe it's even telling her you need to work more on rapport with her because you still don't feel safe enough. That way the extra time she is willing to spend with you in session (after however much hard work you two do during) will allow her to help/teach you (always helpful to have more skills/practice) return to baseline and leave feeling comfortable enough to not fear/get anxiety over your upcoming session?

Let me know what you think. It sucks to keep trauma to yourself, especially when you are struggling this much :(

 

[hymnless]

So please keep in mind that I do not know your story. I can only go by what I read on here and hav...

I can’t say that I agree, but I do understand the point you’re making (and it’s a good one). We’ve been working together a very short amount of time (a few months) and at our first session she warned me that she often runs over with her clients. She also asked me about a month in if it was OK if we allotted more time for our sessions, which was fine with me. Generally she will ask me at the beginning of our session if I have anywhere I have to be right after, so we both know going into it how long we can be there. I think that she sort of plans out in advance how much time she has to play with so that she can direct our session accordingly. So even if we haven’t scheduled a longer session, I think she’s already scheduled it mentally. I have brought it up before that I worry about taking too much time and she told me that was her boundary to worry about. If she made me leave after an hour every time, I would find a way to be OK.

I’ve tried writing as a better way to communicate but that’s equally as terrifying to me as talking. It’s insanely frustrating because I can’t figure out how to communicate. She said that she prefers to talk (even if it takes forever) because then I have to actually either say no or verbalize things that I have never been able to previously. It’s a weird push and pull for sure.

 

[Stephernovas]

Wow. Sounds like a dedicated therapist! Keep trying, that is all you can do.