They Locked Me Up And Probably Should Have Thrown Away The Key

[intothelight]

I am afraid to post this for two reasons; one it is embarrassing, and two it is not intended to give any one any ideas. However, the reason I feel it is necessary to post is to stress the importance of how potentially fatal this disorder can be.

Thursday was a really bad day. I will put the details in my trauma diary, but needless to say my mother feigned an illness; I had to make a decision to call an ambulance; my husband was out of town; dealt with too many business emergencies; had an IRS auditor in the office; visited my mom in the hospital; dealt with an angry, aggressive customer; and the notification that my ex was searched for to be picked up by the police. This all occurred between 6:00 A.M. and 4:30 P.M.

Somewhere between 4:00 P.M. and 4:30 I started to loose it. I cannot explain the mental and physical changes, but I getting feedback from people who saw me. Between 4:30 and 4:45 I made a suicide plan. I went into the office and shut the door. I called and made arrangements for my children and pets. I moved money from the business account to the personal account so my family would have access. I put the 9mm Glock and the clip in my purse. I handed the IRS auditor the keys to the business. I was headed out the door to my car, I was going to drive into the country and put the gun under my chin and pull the trigger.

One thing in my plan failed. My daughter could not pick up her nine year old brother from day care, so I had to pick him up and she was going to meet me at the office. This one delay allowed the police to be dispatched to my home and office. Needless to day, they cuffed me, put me in the squad car and took me to the hospital.

Initially, I was very angry that I was not allowed to complete my plan. I even argued with the officer in the car there was no statute that prohibited suicide so they had no reason to detain me. There is no law against suicide, but there is a law that prohibits police officers from not detaining someone who is a threat to themselves.

After being in the crisis ward, the next day my outlook was totally different. I was glad that I was not successful, sorry for what I had put my family through, embarrassed and scared at how fast I could "lose it".

I now have to work on an "anti-suicide" pact. I also realize how unstable I am and have to reassess my treatment, my lifestyle and some of my relationships. I am also thankful to my daughter who saw the warning signs and contacted the police.

Please take PTSD seriously and don't let depression or suicidal thoughts go untreated. If I can go from anxious to suicidal in less than an hour, catch yourselves early. This disorder is potentially fatal.

Intothelight

 

[catjudo]

A great message. Thanks for sharing. Glad that things worked out for you and you're seeing things differently now.

 

[Jade-]

Thanks for sharing this intothelight. I'm really glad you did. It makes me want to take the way I have been feeling a little more serious and seek help.

 

[gdf]

Thanks for sharing...I do wish they would find a more gentle way to approach people than with the handcuff bit. Seems so harsh when you are hurting to that degree. You sound like an incredibly brave person to share this and I know it helps me.

Gina

 

[amethist]

Thank you Intothelight for sharing this, difficult as it may have been at the time.

A very thought provoking post, made me sit up and remember the times my husband considered and planned to do the same. Luckily he spoke to me first, a cry for help maybe, but thankfully he did.

Bless your daughter for not being able to collect her brother and doing what she felt she had to. There mum is still with them because of a short delay.

A gentle hug. :Hug_emoticon:

Amethist

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jadebear,

I'm glad it helps and don't ever hesitate to seek help.

Intothelight

 

[Iam]

Thank you so much for being willing to share IntoTheLight. It is the unfortunate truth that many, if not all, of us can switch into that mode so quickly. You are very lucky that you had that delay.

I, like you, have never told anyone when I was attempting suicide. One time I failed and was so angry. The next time I was stopped, my oldest son realized how bad I was and called 911, and taken to the hospital. Again I was so angry. I kept getting out of my bed so they strapped me down, still managed to escape out the doors so then they took my clothes too.

I think the scariest part of this is how quickly we can flipout and the fact that we are serious in our attempts. There are attempts that are just a cry for help....it is not that way for me, nor does it sound that way for you. I've heard that making/writing an anti-suicide pact is helpful. Good luck, let us know what you think of it.

Thanks again

 

[James B.]

Tremendous post, Intothelight.

It is amazing to me how blinded I was by my anxiety disorder, and simply didn't back away from all the stressors in my life: 2 visits to psych ward suicide prevention here, one with med de-tox, then a third visit for a breakdown/med detox again.

I have been there.

At first it seemed hard to cut back on all the things I wanted to do, felt I should do, or was simply compulsed to *prove* I could do but, it was ultimately empowering and an honest form of self-advocacy.

Not to mention, it saved my little life.

 

[Iam]

James, You touch on a good subject here. In fact one I was just thinking about while I was drying my hair.

At first it seemed hard to cut back on all the things I wanted to do, felt I should do, or was simply compulsed to *prove* I could do but, it was ultimately empowering and an honest form of self-advocacy.

My T, a christian, said that my priority should be; God, self, family, friends, work.
Of course like many of us have heard from our T's...."you have put everybody before you"....it is true and I have worn it like a badge of honor and feel guilty when I do for me instead of someone else. I am having trouble accepting/reconciling this priority list in light of the verse "there is no greater love than this, that one should lay down his life for his brother".

My friend with PTSD gets hurt when I put boundaries in place with her that are simply for my self-advocacy. Then I feel complused by guilt to do whatever it is that she needs at that moment because of her PTSD. If I don't do it I am miserable all day or until we "work it out". We fight a lot about this kind of stuff.

My T has told me that "Love is seeing and understanding where the other person is at and helping them constructively without negating yourself." That is so confusing to me. I don't know where to draw the line. When is it ok to put yourself aside and when do you have to say "no, I can't or better yet, don't want to do that right now." ????