Hi Patrick,
I'm actually not active on the forum anymore, not for about a year now. But my boyfriend Dean is a member here and he told me about your post. As always I got curious and so I read my original post for the first time in two years probably.
I wanted to say first off thanks for asking this question, because it was very enlightening for me to read my old post, especially at this time whilst I am back in treatment again. Unfortunately I am out of remission once more, I had been in remission for over a year, but this January I resumed chemotherapy. I am just finishing a 3 week break and I go back for treatments again this coming Monday. But WOW things have changed a lot in 2 years, even in how I react to the cancer...
batgirl said:
This is still true. I've gotten progressively better with my anger over the past 2 years. I don't think I have rages anymore. I haven't had any violent outbursts for a very long time... over a year at least. I don't even yell and scream much anymore. I think the last shouting fight I had was back in September. And before that I can't even remember. Its not so often anymore, probably 3-4 times a year, if that. That's not to say everything is perfect by any means, I still get angry, and lately I've been pretty irritable off and on. But I have learned to cope with my anger more constructively. Most times I am now able to walk away from the situation. I go to my room or go for a walk, etc, until I'm calm enough to have a reasonable discussion. I've also ceased physically hurting myself when angry, or destroying my personal property. The best part is, I do it all pretty much automatically now, I don't even weigh the pros and cons of my actions anymore, it just seems to come naturally to try to control the anger now, and to do so without hurting myself or others. And I do it medication free! I've not been on any psychiatric drugs for nearly 2 years.
batgirl said:
While I was in the hospital... 6 members of my family came to visit me simulaneously. They were loud, and I found the whole situation overwhelming and triggering.
This is funny, because I had the very same thing happen about a month ago. Several family were visiting while I was having a treatment. They were actually about to get kicked out by the nurse haha but before she said anything, I just calmly asked them to take turns visiting rather than visit me all at once, because its too overwhelming for me. I've gotten quite good at being assertive and "using my words" to describe my feelings rather than acting them out in unhealthy ways.
batgirl said:
My family have rights too.
I still believe and honour this. I've gotten very close with my family over the last 2 years, and I try very hard not to take things out on them. I still have PTSD so of course they still get to see me at my worst or when I am having a bad day. But again I am usually able to just say "I need to be alone right now" and that's it. I'm lucky that they respect my space, so that when I need alone time they don't pester me. They have grown too as far as how they deal with me, and I think having their excellent support helps me to manage myself better.
batgirl said:
Until recently, I had been operating under the assumption that everyone around me should just bend over backwards to avoid triggering me. Several members of my family are in the military, and that has been one of my triggers, given my trauma... It never occurred to me before, but my family members in the military feel hurt when I am triggered by them. That doesn't mean I can always help being triggered, but it does mean that I can be sensitive to THEIR feelings, and not just think about myself all the time.
I've pretty much done a complete 180 as far as reacting to my family in the military. My military triggers have greatly lessened. Though not without limitations - for instance, I could never live on a military base again, nor attend a ramp ceremony or military parade - I've learned the hard way that those things will always make me ill. But I have a brother who was just recently sent on his second deployment to Afghanistan, and the day I said goodbye to him, he was in full combat uniform and his platoon members were there also. I don't recall being triggered... I was thinking about HIM, wishing him well, worrying for him, telling him I loved him and to be safe, and so on. After saying goodbye I had a couple of days where I felt kind of "off", sort of down and not my best, and I had a nightmare about him being hurt. But 3 years ago, I wouldn't have even been able to be in the same room as him whilst he was wearing a uniform. The most amazing part is, I didn't even think of myself at all, in the PTSD sense, when I said goodbye. Being triggered didn't even occur to me.
batgirl said:
I don't feel sorry for myself much anymore either. Self-pity just doesn't have the same "appeal" to me that it used to. I guess as I started to really work on my trauma, and feel better, I experienced some "real" happiness in my life again, like how I was before the shooting. And I prefer that feeling of being happy and content with myself, to feeling self-sympathy and trying to get others to feel sorry for me too. I hate that "wallowing" feeling now. The most I will do is about an hour, crying alone in my room. I can't stand myself any longer than that! ;) Its so counterproductive and the bottom line is, it doesn't help. Being clinically depressed or suicidal is one thing, but simple self-pity is something that can be controlled, at least I have found so for myself.
I think also, I am now much better at identifying my feelings. So if I feel sad, or lonely, or afraid, rather than "masking" it with self-pity, I can tell someone, because I recognize what the feeling is. Then I can talk about it and hopefully feel better.
That's not to say things are perfect right now, because they are definitely not...
When the cancer returned this time I was terrified, and angry, very angry. Things had been going so well for me and it didn't seem fair. I also felt guilty because my family has been very worried about me. I've really struggled with guilt this time around, more than any other emotion. I've tried to push everyone away... I figured it would be easier on them if they didn't have to see me suffer. Of course that was the wrong attitude, and my family didn't put up with it. I am slowly feeling better about it though, slowly being able to talk to my boyfriend and family about my fears and we are sorting things out. My attitude is becoming more positive once more.
I guess the bottom line is, I still have my bad times, but I am now in the management stage of PTSD... the management stage is great, because while you still have bad times, you also have the tools to help yourself, rather than feeling helpless and always needing to rely on others. Support from others is great, my family is fantastic and I don't know what I would do without them... but being able to
support myself, and get
myself out of a bad state, is the greatest feeling. Add to that - my bad times are nowhere near as long or severe. Even with something as scary as cancer, I can still manage my PTSD. Its f*cking amazing actually. Working on trauma, like really working on it and examining yourself, really pays off in the end, in so many ways...
Anyways sorry for writing a book haha. I hope I answered your question. It was really good for me to revisit this stuff, thanks so much and take care!
Evie :)
