Other Things said to me during abuse

[LucyLou]

Might seem like an odd post, I don't know

The other day, I think it might have been early hours of Monday. I was having this whole meltdown to myself about not wanting to bring anything new up with my therapist, in case she thought I was just making things up as I went along / not believe me etc and it made me think....think about how the way I see myself and how I think other see me is probably coloured by what has happened to me, especially when I was younger / still growing. So I went on to push myself to think about all the things that were said to have me be this way.

I've come up with a few that might explain the reason I put a lot of blame on to myself for everything.

I'm talking about the crap from when I was 13...maybe younger, I honestly don't know. I remember how they used to tell me to say I liked it and I wanted it. For the times I pretended to be asleep one of them would say "open your eyes, so we can both enjoy it". I remember being told that I couldn't tell anyone or I'd be in trouble. Then as I got older and started to go out, if I wore short dresses etc my dad would say I was "asking for trouble" my mum would say "if anything happens to you, I'm going to batter you". I told my dad about one thing with my grandad and his response was "you shouldn't have let him do that". "I know you wanted it really because you wore your hair down" "I'm only finishing what we both started" I do remember being called a liar once....by one of the people that hurt me but I don't care about that....I know I'm telling the truth.

What is it about all of this that makes me think people won't believe me / think I'm making it up - I mean, I know one of them called me a liar but so what, he's a piece of work that isn't even around anymore and hasn't been for over a decade, so I don't think it's him. Am I just being really dense here, to think that all of the other things that were said shouldn't mess my head up so much....to the point where I think no one will believe me. Was any of what they said even that bad? I hate that I doubt myself all the time and I play it down to my therapist.

Can anyone explain and just help me clear things in my head a little. I will send to my therapist too but I have another week before I speak to her.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

All of that so many times when you are still growing in your mind will change everything. It is horrible and makes doubt, even if you are an adult at the time.

I remember how they used to tell me to say I liked it and I wanted it.

I had this and it twisted me even though I knew in my heart what I felt actually. I was an adult.

When you are young it is much easier to blame yourself instead of adults who hurt you. They are supposed to care for and be role models. We know that they know more than us. It's hard to also think they're wrong and you're being hurt when anything against them is made out like aggression or an attack. You'd never attack them so it must be you. That's my experience. Of guilt and self-blame and feeling stupid. I see it's very common, I feel this fear too.

Was any of what they said even that bad?

It is that bad. You were being told it was your fault and your emotions not seen/denied every time a awful thing happened. 'Trauma brain' will be inclined to believe other people close to you will feel the same and invalidate you.

What is it about all of this that makes me think people won't believe me / think I'm making it up

The abusers made it out like your feelings/the abuse weren't real so whose to say your therapist won't deny them too. It's not true but that's the logic I think happens. Brains latch onto patterns, and negative patterns are really strong. Noticeable.

 

[Movingforward10]

You were constantly being told your reality wasn't reality. And your pain was your own fault, which is also changing reality. Your reality being distorted time and time and time and time and time again, is going to make you doubt your reality (you've got no grounding in that situation) and make you think new people you tell your story to (T) are going to behave like old people. How can you trust it will be different when trusting it will, only to be failed again, is so painful.

So, makes total sense that all that emotional abuse leaves you with these thoughts and feelings.

But, so much power, autonomy, growth, freedom, comes from realising they are the liars. And you can connect to your truth and ditch their abusive lies. And learning to trust yourself, and trust your T.