Thinking Of Divorce Or Just Leaving.

[Owingsia]

I have been out since 2006, go married in 2012. Things have not always been easy but we did ok....

I didnt even know I had PTSD until Sept 9th 2015 when I had a major trigger event. I am now on medication just to keep anxiety etc... under control... not stopped just under control. I am in with the VA and started treatment. I deployed 2003, 2004-2005, 2005-2006. as an 8404 corpsman assigned to an SSTP. 2005-2006 was by far the worst deployment and I do not remember a lot of things that happened on that deployment. I am starting to now that the plug has been pulled and I have to deal with this mess.

My wife is not happy at all, she does not want to support me in this and says it is to hard to be close to me and watch me go through this. She says my pain is to much for her to be around.
we have been married since 2012 and dated for 18+ months before getting married. I have two step daughters.

Frankly my wife and her inability to handle much is getting to me, now that I am going through what I am going through and she cant be there for me has left me feeling like.... well like f*ck it.... im out... I want to leave. Why be around someone who I am causing pain by trying to get help.

Yes I have panic attacks, yes I have anxiety, yest I am taking a lot of medications some of them make me dizzy for a little bit... the side affects I can deal with because it means I do not have to deal with why I take them.

I am not a violent person, I never had to kill anyone, I never had to shoot at or shoot anyone. I took care of those that were going to die. They came to me because they could not live to get to a major hospital. My team and I did everything we could to save life even if it meant breaking the rules... and we did.... people lived because we did what we did.

I am more withdrawn than anything. I go emotionless on her and she hates that. She has smashed a computer and other things in the house just to try and get a reaction out of me. She will not and cant understand that I trained myself to not react when I saw horrible things. I knew I had to be strong for those who came to us for help. I could open up any ambulance, helicopter, or any other vehicle and see the worst things imaginable, and look that person in the face and calmly say "Hey buddy, I got you now, we will take care of you!" and 98.3% of the time that was an honest statement and we made people live against all odds.

So my wife when we have a fight or she is upset tries to get a reaction out of me pushing me further into not reacting. She smashed her laptop on the ground once and then told me it was my fault and I had to by her a knew one. I was pissed, did I show it.... nope not one bit.... I just looked at her and said "are you going to calm down so we can talk" she stomped off.



anyway.... since this last month and me having my trigger event and fully breaking down as it where. She has told me that she does not want to go through this, she does not want to support me etc.....

Well why do I need to be with someone who cant even be bothered to help out someone they supposedly love. I think it is time to get out and leave.

I am trying how best to figure this out so I can stay in school and work etc... I am thinking about renting a room some place and seeing how that goes but again not sure how I will do. This choice is a bit much to make in my current mental state but it keeps playing over and over again in my head.... along with her inability to do much for herself. I am not sure what she will do if I leave... I dont think she can work. I know she had a job when we got married but she up and quit that when she figured out how much money I was making. Then she started complaining about being on a budget and not having health insurance because we could not afford it for her on my salary alone etc... anyway she tells me all the time how hard it is for her to work and how she cant do things.... I still love her but I dont think I can be around her.

 

[FieldArtilleryGuy]

I don't know your wife, and I am not good with giving advice but I honestly think (based off of what you said) she needs a reality check and if you leave she might get just that. Who quits their job saying their spouse makes enough to justify it when you can't afford insurance? Especially when kids are involved. I'm sorry for everything you are going threw. If your wife won't support you then I don't think you should support her. Just my opinion. I hope she changes her attitude if you give her a reality check. Good luck man.

 

[atilla]

Sorry for what you're going through Brother, but I have been exactly where you are right now...3 times. I've been dealing with pts since '91, on my 4th marriage. It's hard enough to deal with the pts beast, but when your partner isn't there for you It compounds it. In the 3 marriages prior to this one, it was the same for me. No support, not even an attempt to understand what was going on with me from my spouse..Granted, they can never fully understand what we went through or what pts does to us or why..but an attempt to would be nice and went a long way with me. My current wife is awesome, supports me in every way she can. She understands as much as any civilian can. You have to do what is best for you Brother. I'm not a shrink or a marriage counselor, but I do know that without the direct support of your spouse, it's hard as hell to get the beast on a leash. I speak from experience. You have to take care of you first. Pm me or any of us if you need to talk..We're here for each other.

 

[Kaishi]

Hello Owingsia,

Would separation for a time be more doable than divorce for you, without the extra stress that going through divorce is with all the legal and emotional issues attached?

Sorry she's been up to basically using your hard work in the meantime. You have all rights to feel violated and uncomfortable w the current arrangements.

 

[Owingsia]

I just want to be done with it. Two weeks ago she chewed me out calling me all kinds of names because I didnt get treatment before we got married. (to her this is something that just goes away). I had never had a trigger and when I did well... I dont need to tell any of you how bad the last 30 45 days have been.

Calling me names and telling me I am a coward is one thing. I can understand anger with a situation. Flat out refusing to be supportive is the last........ to top it off you cant even give me a hug because I need one from the woman I love. Im sorry I was having a moment and wanted to connect..... that time is past and I am moving on.

I am glad to hear your responses. I know that separation is required in my state for one year. Whatever..... I am not going back, I will move on and thats that.

I just need to plan for myself at this point in how I plan to get out. That is the hard part.

 

[Friday]

Back in a bit, but just wanted to say welcome to the forum, & kick this link your way Link Removed Going through divorce? Gonna f*cking need it. Useful as hell any time though, for true.

 

[Spock]

You might look into an inpatient program so you can move out for awhile to focus on improving your health, maybe even tell your wife you are considering moving out to seek therapy for awhile and focus on getting better. We all do the isolation thing. I cut all kinda of people out of my life including family and close friends, until I could get a handle on survival. My time in therapy was like finding refuge, it may not have been all roses but it gave me some valuable time to focus on coping skills, a chance in group therapy to hear about other challenges (some worse) and just a chance to think about what the hell was going on. 8 years later and I haven't let very many of those people back into my life and probably cut out more now that I know how much it helps. I decided I drive my own bus (my life) and I can pretty quickly tell who I will let get on my bus. If they are packing mostly drama and offering little than I'm not letting them on my bus. I'd call her bluff mate: she is either gonna decide she needs you in her life or do you a favor and reveal she is too selfish but I don't know all the details, only you do. If she stays then I would get her involved in therapy with you. And show her this video: Link Removed

 

[Owingsia]

I have made up my mind after talking with my mother of all people. Not a mama's boy but we had a long talk the other day. I am leaving for my own good. This woman cant be there for me when I need her most then why do I want her with me when I dont need her.

I will get better, I will move on, I will be a better person. I will find someone who I am compatible with and I can have a lasting loving relationship with.... this one just isnt it.

 

[Deleted member 43610]

So there is one problem solved, or not, you decide. But dude, I've been where you are you still need to work on you! The only thing I want to say is: I went to not one but two inpatient treatment programs. One VA one civvie. You sound like you've had a bomb dropped on you. At least do research, or see someone, talk to a friend, come back here, something. There are lots of good people here.

 

[Spock]

You can't have too many coping skills and you should never stop looking for another way to distract or engage yourself: PTSD or not

 

[Deleted member 43610]

Great advice Spock! I see things here that I've seen in me, my fellow Vets, in treatment, on the net... But in reality it is partially like looking in a mirror hearing Owingsia post. So Owingsia, if I see it, I know there are tons of others who have been where you are so seek help anywhere. Like I said somewhere else in this forum, if its wasn't Vietnam Vets WALKING me to treatment, I have no idea where I'd be but it would be horrible. I would guess I'd be halfway thru my first prison sentence. I'm just trying to bang away on the keyboard to help. But bottom line you have to take your own path. I was emotionless, too.

Also Owingsia, when I was in the Army, I was one of the combat guys who fired shots and had enemy trying to kill me. But I always had the utmost respect for your profession/MOS/job. I could never do it. I would rather shoot or be shot at than have to do your job. So I am going to throw in a well deserved "Thank You for what you did". Luckily I was never injured THAT bad to have to go where you worked. But it was comforting to know you guys and gals were there. One of my favorite Iraq books... "Rule Number Two: Lessons I learned in a Combat Hospital". By Lieutanant Commander Heidi Kraft. I read it IN the hospital, and it was a tearjerker. Much respect for what you did. Good Luck on your healing.

 

[Raven]

She sounds immature.

Almost reminds me of my (second!) ex-husband.