This Is Complicated

[shimmerz]

is that the only thing you are doing is removing the trigger, your not working on desensitizing the trigger.

Yes. This.

 

[Gs172003]

@missy meier This is a tough one.... I get how you are trying not to punish hubby f...

No. You're right. Right now this marriage is bad but neither of us sees it as "hopeless" but I feel like it alot of the time. I blame him alot because of what he has put me through and it piggybacking on what I had been through already. Makes this crap so much harder and makes me so much meaner. ** sigh.

That said I'm not sure what to do.

 

[aut555]

Can you take a trial separation for one month? That would help you decide? I understand there are many reasons one can't do this, but if there is a relative nearby you temp bunk with or friend to do the same? Sometimes getting out of the situation helps. If you spend more of this relationship in a holding pattern of wtf then that clearly is a strong sign of things not going well and not changing. But denial is easier, it's hard to face the fact nothing will change in marriage and may only get worse. I did this, and seperation brought home the fact that nothing will ever change. I will always be treated in an abusive manner because this man is a pig.

 

[Sweet_E]

Any updates? Even though this is an old thread I felt compelled to respond. I think if there was a rule against being in a relationship with someone who triggers us, most of us would be single. I have several close, healthy friendships and relationships. ALL of those people have triggered me at least once. It's not because they are terrible people. It is because . . . wait for it . . . I have PTSD. I get triggered. My husband and I have a very deep healthy relationship outside of it not having the physical intimacy but he triggers me all of the time!

I think you need to think about the specifics of the trigger. Think: If I did not have PTSD would this particular behavior upset me? Would there be room for this behavior in a healthy relationship?

For example, with my husband, it triggers me when we have a simple miscommunication. I think: What would my reaction be if I did not have PTSD? Answer: I might be reasonably stressed but I wouldn't go into a fight or flight state or feel intense anger about it. I'd probably feel mild frustration. I also think: Is this something that happens in a healthy relationship? Answer: Yes. Communication is a skill that has to be learned and then relearned with each new person we encounter. It takes practice to adapt to communication styles and even then communication won't be perfect 100% of the time. How I separate the two: When I am triggered I say, "Excuse me, I'm having a flashback and need to be alone for a little while." I go up to my yoga room and do my flashback management. Then after I'm out of it, we talk it out. I understand that it is okay that his communication is odd sometimes and I know that he is trying. We come up with strategies to refine our communication on both ends but there is no blame on either person for being the trigger. Communication is my trigger. My husband, on the other hand is not the trigger. He is behaving like a normal reasonable person. However, the PTSD makes the behavior something way worse than it needs to be.

With this situation, however, it sounds like the trigger is being lied to? I think most people would think that this is not a healthy behavior. So you could try to separate the person from the trigger, but wouldn't you still be tolerating unacceptable behavior? I think when we have PTSD we have to be more vigilant with certain things than a healthier person. We need to prioritize things like self-care and stress-management. I also think choosing to be around people who are good for us is also super important! If you're boyfriend is lying to you - whether that is a trigger or not - it is certainly a red flag.