This Is Complicated

[Gs172003]

Ok. So the abusive ex that I had so many issues with had a porn problem. So did my current husband. My ex lied like a dog. Current had a lying problem. I *think* current is OK now but.... I have problems with this whole thing.

My therapist wants me to leave current because she thinks he's too triggering.
I don't think that's fair. I think I need to figure out how to seperate the two. Is that possible???

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think I need to figure out how to seperate the two. Is that possible???

The ex and the current or the trauma (triggering) and the husband?

 

[Gs172003]

The current husband she thinks is triggering me because of the similarities to the ex. I don't think it's fair to punish him for what the ex did. She doesn't think I'll heal as long as I keep being triggered. Its a catch 22

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hi, Missy...
In my experience of 4 marriages, (single for 22 years now) Once a liar, always a liar.
(Do you REALLY want to be with a liar?)

Porn is a VERY REAL ADDICTION. Do you want to always wonder if......???

Sometimes, it's best to be alone to make decisions. I kept getting married because I thought I needed a man to be complete.

You DESERVE to have THE BEST, and to not "settle" for ANYTHING LESS than the truth AND respect.

You can be lonely while with someone. It's okay to learn how to be alone, and to let a man "win" your love. You might not have met
the "right" man because you are free to be objective, as well as having someone who loves you too much to lie, and loves YOU SO much that porn is nothing like the REAL thing, which should be YOU!

Good luck!
AKJ

One thing to add...are you being "triggered" or are you having gut feelings that *something* isn't right? We really DO have gut feelings, we just don't always listen to them.
Was there much time between ex, and "current"? I can understand why you are triggered NOW, if you didn't heal from the ex.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe a slight break to work on things?

Also remembering and reminding yourself that they are two seperate people helps.

I also agree that its not fair to punish the current for the ex's issues.

I had a porn addiction and you can recover from thay. Maybe marriage counseling?

Not sure, this is hard as it isnt fair to him either way you turn it.

I think its rash for a therapist to say you need to leave your husband and insisting you cant get better if you dont. I disagree with that judgement. I dont think you should rush to leave him as many, MANY, rocks are unturned. Things havent been tried yet.

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe a slight break to work on things?

Also remembering and reminding yourself that they ar...

I went straight from one to the other. I waited three and a half years to marry him thinking that would be long enough to find out anything bad. Haha no.

At this point I'm not sure what's up. He is in a recovery group and I believe him when he said he's not doing the stuff he used to. I think he still lies but not about that. But that still triggers me.

Either way I can't blame him for the abuse the other one did.

 

[Gs172003]

I guess my question is how do I seperate the two.

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe a slight break to work on things?

Also remembering and reminding yourself that they ar...

I also agree with there needs to be more things tried. Thank you

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I expect that your current husband knows about your ex, and the behaviors that were the problem?

If he loves you, and knows what hurts you, lying about ANYTHING would be totally unacceptable! Some people lie compulsively and believe their own lies.

There's a saying..."Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

I hope you are able to work things out. I REALLY hope no children are brought into the picture unless ALL issues are resolved.
Children are HARD on marriages!

 

[aut555]

Ok. So the abusive ex that I had so many issues with had a porn problem. So did my current husband....

Why is it lying and porn addiction go together? My soon to be ex, the same thing. Believes his lies also.

 

[Gs172003]

Why is it lying and porn addiction go together? My soon to be ex, the same thing. Believes his lies also...

Because addiction and lying go hand in hand.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@missy meier This is a tough one.... I get how you are trying not to punish hubby for the sins of the first. I hear you big time about the lying shit. One of my bigger triggers. My daughter is a pathological liar, I can no longer even be around her. We have other issues too, so this just adds to the reason of no contact.

The problem with getting rid of your husband as your T suggest, is that the only thing you are doing is removing the trigger, your not working on desensitizing the trigger. I know that's also hard to do, when your getting triggered over and over again, and retraumatizing yourself. Then you deal with all the shit that comes with divorce and all that crap. I honestly don't think it's a great idea to divorce for that reason.

I think that I would really evaluate the relationship, find its faults and see if they outweigh the good. Check your feelings for your husband. I would rip apart everything from top to bottom before making a decision to divorce because of this. Exhaust all possibilities first. Therapy, couples therapy, really talking to hubby and explaining how sever this really is, and how you need honestly for the marriage to move forward...

IDK! Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass here. I'm sorry that you are really struggling with this....