This Is How I Experience Dissociation (in Parts) Input Okay

[chant2012]

Hi hi! It's me Ciara (birth name) although for privacy reasons go by Chantel. I am the only one who has ever been out. What I mean by that is that I'm always out, or at least I think I am!!! In fact I mostly feel single, except when I don't! And even then, when I switch, I still feel like "me" just not the me I'm used to. It's like I am now the "me" who feels and thinks this way, even though "I" never think or feel that way. Yet it is "me" who is "acting it out/experiencing it". Maybe the other aspects inside use me as a puppet or something and they talk through me.

I get a lot of "made thoughts, feelings, and actions". I experience a lot of Schneider first rank symptoms. I get confused A LOT. Lose things constantly and can never make my mind up. I've always just thought of myself as moody, constantly changing, a chameleon of sorts and extremely scatterbrained and flaky as well as indecisive. Thus naturally I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 8. But I don't think they took into account the dysfunction I had grown up around and the abuse that had been and was taking place and would continue to take place.

I've always felt different. I wasn't like other kids and always knew it too even though my parents and other adults told me I was just unique. I knew... I know. I'm different. I can't relate to things that some people talk about, or maybe it's just that I can't make my mind up about what I think or feel. I also am constantly lying. This is true I lie all the time. I don't know why. It's a mixture of feeling inadequate and invisible and unimportant, and also is a defense mechanism because I had to lie so much as a child. Or at least felt I had to. It wasn't safe to tell the truth. And now it's like a reflex. Lastly I am not sure they're all lies. Because many times I will say something and then literally right after I say it will exclaim, "That's not true! That's a lie. I don't know why I said that!" So it makes me look crazy and like a big liar! But at the same time it WAS true, but in a different or alternate reality that is "just inside". I have so many truths inside and yet many of them contradict one another. Yet they're still true and yet untrue. That makes NO sense at all when I try to explain it to my boyfriend but it makes COMPLETE sense to me.

Anyway, I named my others/aspects/pieces. Well, some of them anyway. Some of them gave me their names.

C.C. - (was a childhood nickname I had by my dad, it felt like that age range so I said, C.C. it is) - She is a little, age slider (anywhere from 2/3 to 7/8), very scared, filled with terror and just wants to disappear and cry or suck on Blankie or pacifier.... yet is very happy and playful too. It's like she has two parts to her even, that are polar opposites. Like a mirror. Does that make sense? Wow. Never realized this before. That's a new realization! Anyway, when "I" am in this "state" that how I feel. I am aware it's ridiculous to feel that way as I see I am clearly an adult but I can't help it. Is baby pink in color

Rage - Unknown gender if any. Seething and chaotic and holds a LOT of rage. Hurts body. Well, makes "me" want to hurt myself. Is a protector and has been known to verbally and physically lash out at people when "I" feel threatened. Is bl**d red in color.

Chantel - Teen (13 - 15), when I am in this state, or rather when I am being influenced by her, I am very bubbly and am very much into teenage girl things and I talk more like a teenager. Chantel is my birth middle name so that's the name "I" gave this "aspect". But looking back I can remember associating my middle name as "feeling like a teenager", but never knew why. Maybe this is why!!! Is orange in color.

Vixen (during an intimate time with my BF I "heard" this name in my mind and also saw someone who looks a lot like Jessica Rabbit as far as style goes, I also felt very cat like). Anyway, she's a tease and is a sexual alter and is into pain and masochism. Might be associated with a cat, unknown at this time if that's true all I know is it felt cat-like. She is burgundy in color. Or rather I am feeling burgundy when she comes along. She wants and needs to please at all costs sexually. She's very sensual but also can be very sadistic at times to self and others. I both love and hate when she is close as I am blended with her and feel like a dominatrix whose only purpose is to sexually please and be a sex kitten. I get a high feeling when she is around.

Those above are really the only ones I know of that are more or less somewhat "concrete".

There are others:

Miss Spacey - is yellow in color. When I am in a dissociated state and constantly gone and memory wiping. Feels like a base layer or something.

MotherMii - a motherly figure who comforts inside (I gave her that name because I felt like a motherly figure at one point and felt she was close. Is nature green in color.

Scared One - always scared. This is state that I call myself when I am in this "mode". Not very concrete that I know of. Is lavender in color.

The Fixer - a role of being the fixer of everyone. Is blue in color.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Well, @chant2012 .. I LOVE how you describe yourself. :) I shared with my husband, cuz he's still grappling with all this, and it is meaningful to him to hear how others with similar struggles describe themselves ... though we are by no means experts, I feel I have a somewhat decent handle on who his "parts" are .. but of course, only he can ever really know, and that's only insofar as he searches himself, and/or the "others" LET him know .. There is still an outside chance that "others" will emerge or become identifiable as we proceed through this ..

I really like your use of the word "aspects" .. we often use the word "moods" .. but @Dissociated1 referred, elsewhere, to "fragments" which is also a very good descriptor for my man's situation .. these "parts" aren't per se "self-aware" individuals inside .. though at least two of them probably actually are, they just haven't realized it yet? .. But insofar as my husband is presently "in order" and has good "internal communication" we don't really wanna rock the boat .. and since he's HIGHLY suggestive, I try to keep some of the shared insights from these posts to a relative minimum, cuz I don't want to cause him more disruption than he has already experienced. We are in a period of "peace" and he LIKES it that way .. though I am very aware, from many other peoples' stories, that this could change at any time .. if another part or fragment or aspect "emerges" or becomes more identifiable, and/or if those we already "know" become so-called "self-aware" .. Though I am also content to navigate this journey with him HOWEVER it shows itself (themselves?) ..

And frankly, though I am a "singleton" .. I know I have my own "parts" in the "mood" sense, and in this way (so far) we very much RELATE to each other, and my husband has helped ME gain much greater emotional management inside myself as a result .. For whatever reason, it is more helpful for me to visualize myself "compartmentally" and so keep greater order inside myself, also .. even though I am "experiencing" myself more simultaneously than he does himself. ...

It's a strangely BEAUTIFUL thing to know and navigate together, in my humble opinion .. I already see and admire my husband's genuine brilliance on matters of life, and the practical outworking of knowledge (ie, WISDOM) in various things .. he has really helped ME to grow up in some serious ways. So much so, that I view his "internal experience" of himself as a GIFT way more than anything negative .. cuz he has MORE insight, as a rule, into how people work, and MORE insight into how to help me navigate some of my own emotional extremes which otherwise might seem overwhelming or indefinable ..

I have no interest in "reducing" my man to the sum of his parts .. but I very MUCH have an interest in KNOWING ALL of him, loving ALL of him, navigating life with ALL of him, and to whatever extent I can, help him understand himSELF(VES) better and to BE a better "help-meet" FOR him in all things .. which means also knowing myself(ves) better .. singleton or multiple ? *shrug* .. to the extent we are chasing "oneness" and "wholeness" and "happy and healthy" in all things, and to the extent we do so as a "TEAM" (however "many" of us there are), I am CONTENT!!

My husband's KNOWN "aspects" are Grumpy, Middle (primary host/self), Femmy (extroverted inner child), and Little (introverted inner child/core self?) .. (@Dissociated1 .. this may help answer one of your other questions in another thread?) .. My husband's UNknown "others" may include - a thinker good at math, a nurturing "nurse" like inner child, a very angry "grumpier" and sometimes overpowering version of Grumpy - which may or may not become very significant in the future? - a "frat boy" who re-lives his college years with enthusiasm much like Femmy's, but in a more "20 something" way - and as you mention it - Femmy himself may be an "age slider" .. so either this is more than one, or Femmy presents at different ages depending on the trigger event .. he seems to range from 7 years old at times to somewhere in his 20's. Still working on this ..

And even that may be somewhat "moot" as my man's "others" are "out" more and experience the world, I have heard from others that their "littles" seem to "age" as they experience more life .. like a normal maturing trajectory .. AND it seems, at present, that Femmy (and/or all ages of him) and Little are integrating with Middle (Main "host" and mediator and primary SENSE of "self" for my man) .. I think "Little" is most the HEART of my man, though .. and I don't think he's let go of all past abuses/memories - either to me OR to my husband. If/when he does, I'm prepared to walk through a very difficult time with my husband, because when that part of the "integration" (if it IS even that) happens, I rather anticipate it will be a bit heart-breaking for my husband .. I know enough to know that .. Now, I do NOT by saying that mean to suggest I'm "prophesying" such a reality .. In fact, I kinda keep my opinion/expectation TO MYSELF on this point, because I do NOT want to in any way TRIGGER it for my man .. but more to just express that I am PREPARED should this happen .. and I am ready to reassure him that I am not going anywhere if/when any of the "for better or worse" shows up for us. ...

Anywhoo .. HUGS to you for figuring yourself out so well! MY efforts with my husband have made the "parts" or "aspects" we know relatively clear .. but I am no therapist, and my husband still struggles to fully appreciate how "different" each of his parts really is. .. I am a "mirror" to him of himself(ves) in SOME ways, but so much of this he is going to have to walk through himself, and I can't do it for him .. but I'm CONTENT in the waiting, and the watching, and the encouraging, and the nursing/grieving with/encouraging and ADVOCATING as we journey TOGETHER for this thing called "the happy life" that we BOTH chase after, and at least for MY case, is hugely wrapped up in being WITH this man whom I love more than my own life. We are also attentive to making sure this doesn't descend into a kind of "co-dependency" .. self-less love is BEAUTIFUL, and we offer it TO EACH OTHER .. but self-sacrifice to the extent of harming oneself .. not so healthy. So we are very careful to guard our own boundaries .. and so for now, even though we are married, we still have separate houses .. and even if/when we DO live together full time, we will probably keep special areas of the house designated as each of our own "rooms" to retreat to if/when necessary. For me that will be a library/den of sorts, for him that will be a greenhouse/working garage of sorts. But I think THIS is healthy, too, each having a "safe" place to which the other is INVITED, not "presumed" to have access with all the attendant expectations thereof ..

I no know .. this is a LIVING relationship, always growing and changing .. so we will grow WITH it. Nevertheless, I love my man's SPIRIT, one in himself, even if represented in "parts" .. and he'd say the same of me, even if represented in "moods" ;)

*two cents* I hope might be helpful to this ongoing discussion!

~WU

 

[Megyn White]

Hi @chant2012

This is only my second time replying to a thread, and I've never yet posted anything of my own. Hopefully I will soon.

I just wanted to let you know that I, too, feel some of the things you describe, mostly in therapy I guess because I'm triggered? Anyway, I'll be talking and all of a sudden not know what I was saying, or the thought will disappear and I can't continue with words. My therapist might help to remind me what I was saying but it's (my mind) literally blank. There is nothing to access, it's just white. Also, I sometimes dissociate in therapy and my therapist will be talking but either I can't hear her or it sounds like a foreign language. If I can't hear her, she'LL just bring me back to the present and repeat what she said. If I don't understand what she says, I feel utterly baffled by her words and I'm like, "What? What did you just say?" Like I'm incredulous.

I also had severe pains in my vagina, cervix, uterus etc. Intercourse with my ex husband became extraordinarily painful. I ended up having a hysterectomy at 36 yrs old. With him, and prior to him, I was absolutely numb during sex. I felt nothing, and in hindsight, I WANTED it that way. I would do things to "get it over with" faster. By the end of our marriage, sex disgusted me. By the time I dated someone else, I could start the whole "sex process", but right when intercourse was about to begin, I'd start crying, panicking, dry heaving, and, oh shoot, I can't remember what it's called, when you breathe in and out rapidly. I remember the guy asked, "what's wrong?? Did I do something?". At that time I knew some things but I honestly didn't know why that happened and said "I don't know" but quickly changed it to "I don't want it to be like this" or some such bs. I put myself thru that 2-3 times before I thought, "forget it, this isn't worth it", and didn't have sex for almost 8yrs.

Lastly, .... crap, I can't remember what I was going to share. Maybe something with moods, or.. idk. I'll reread and reply again. Sorry about that.

Ps I do want to say I don't think your bf is good fit for you, right now, if he doesn't understand or thinks you are lying or pretending. It's not supportive and its detrimental to your healing process. Maybe you could find an article online about symptoms of PTSD and show him? Or if you go to therapy maybe he could go to a session with you?

 

[BlueOrange]

Really am wondering if other people experience great levels of disconnect in their body's and their surroundings?

Earlier this year, I disconnected from the sensation of 'being thirsty' badly enough that I ended up in hospital.

Does having your memory "wiped clean" count as amnesia? Sometimes when I "remember" something from the past my brain scrambles and wipes itself clean taking with it all thoughts, feelings, etc.

What about being in the middle of a conversation, fully aware you've been speaking, but them suddenly being confused because you have no idea what you're talking about or what you've been saying?

That sounds a lot like dissociative amnesia to me. Having the 'reset' switch activated in your mind is something that I associate strongly with dissociation. And 'forgetting' is amnesia.

And do other people constantly contradict themselves and are thus called liars?

I used to experience dissociative amnesia in relation to occasions where I had behaved violently. Violence is something that I was raised to reject utterly, and the idea that I had behaved violently was completely intolerable for me. As you could imagine, this caused a lot of problems during my first marriage. These days, I'm very careful, and I use language like "I don't remember doing that" as opposed to "I never did that."

For me it's like when the Others are close to the "top layer" or to "the front" of the consciousness I am aware of their presence (I feel their thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, etc.)

For me, this tends to be accompanied by a sensation like physical pressure. They press against me. They try to shoulder me away from the controls.

Does any one else ever feel like they spin? And if so what does it feel like for you?

Your description does not match my experience. For me, there is pretty much always a part that is pretty clearly in control. When that's not the case, I feel more 'weak' than 'dizzy' (although I do have difficulty with balance). I do experience a thing that I'll call a 'wall of static' that relates to... things that it's very unpleasant to try to describe right now (due to a wall of static).

Does other people feel like they are a shell alter? Or like they are clear?

This is not a description that is immediately comfortable for me, but it seems right. If I understand correctly, then a 'shell alter' or 'clear alter' is a part that observes all the things that are happening and which witnesses the acts of other parts. In which case, I can say that I do have a part which matches that description, but I have not tended to associate it with the word 'me'. I don't know how important that distinction is (or isn't).

Do other people experience their others in terms of colors?

For example, do I have a 'blue' part which presents to the world as friendly, affectionate, and loveable? As opposed to the 'orange' part who is honorable, capable, and frightening? Yeah, you could say that ;)

 

[Dissociated1]

I'll be talking and all of a sudden not know what I was saying, or the thought will disappear and I can't continue with words.
it's (my mind) literally blank. There is nothing to access, it's just white.

Also, I sometimes dissociate in therapy and my therapist will be talking but either I can't hear her or it sounds like a foreign language...I don't understand what she says, I feel utterly baffled by her words and I'm like, "What? What did you just say?" Like I'm incredulous.

This is exactly how my mind responds when my psychologist is getting too close, forcing me to see something too painful to remember or an aspect of trauma my alters protect me from. I have often described it as an infinitely tall wall that rises up in my mind preventing me from knowing what I completely understood seconds before.

Other times, particularly when our couples psychologist is directing the conversation at my wife and my Child alter steps in. It sounds as if they are talking in "Charlie Brown adult voices," and all I hear is "Wha, Wha Wha Wha Wha." Occasionally I may understand the simple basic words, but the big adult words are beyond my comprehension.

My female alter usually steps in when our couples psychologist is directing the conversation at me She starts getting silly, joking about everything to derail the conversation or will burst into uncontrollable laughter. My wife says my Female alter is so good at this it makes it impossible for her not laugh too and completely lose her train of thought.

The things I have seen my mind is capable of astound me...

I was absolutely numb during sex. I felt nothing, and in hindsight, I WANTED it that way...sex disgusted me...I could start the whole "sex process", but right when intercourse was about to begin,

 

[Dissociated1]

(Continuing my post above)
I am 56 and have never been able to bring myself to have intercourse. My wife and I had healthy sex life (everything short of intercourse) until my breakdown, but things came to a grinding halt when I began to experience flashbacks in bed. After a several year break we have been working with our couple’s psychologist to regain some of what we had. Like you, I am completely numb, physically and psychologically. No sense of arousal, no tingling to the touch, no pleasure, nothing. Our psychologist said this is very common for people who have experienced sexual trauma. My mind will not let me feel. My Child alters may never feel comfortable having intercourse, but I have reached the point that I am comfortable going to “First Base. ” Our couples psychologist is very encouraged; apparently most sexual trauma victims never regain the ability to be physically intimate.