C
chiana
I am new to this site and I'm not really sure where to "start", but I figured I would share of my story.
When I was 5 a relative that was very close to me died in his sleep. The doctors said it had something to do with his heart, that there was nothing anyone could have done but as a child of only 5 I blamed myself. As I am now older (and wiser, haha) I see how crazy that is, but in my reality at the time I could have stopped him from dying if I had just stopped him from leaving our house the night before to go home to his place. I was a quite child and in my family we never really talked about feelings and stuff like that, so I kept everything inside and felt very sad, and very alone.
But then someone saw me, like really saw me - cared about me.. loved me..?! Again - that's what I thought then. Now looking back... there are just so many things I could have done differently.
I don't want to go into any specific details about what happened but I got sexually abused, multible times and over a time span of about 2-3 years. It was... horrible. What words can I possible use to describe it? I was so young..! Not only did I lose my virginity to that guy, I also lost a big part of myself that I don't think I will ever be able to get back.
Again, I kept everything inside. Too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone about what was going on.
When it finally ended, I just denied everything to the point where it felt like nothing had even happened. Like it was all just some vague memory of a really, really bad dream.
But then something happened, a teacher touched me. In a way a teacher shouldn't touch a student. At first I just did what I had become an expert at - denied it, locked it up somewhere inside. But as other girls in the class started complaining about the teacher to the principal I decided to open up and tell what he had done to me. I remember the silence in the room when I told the principal, I remember the way he looked at me, and I remember being shocked by the fact that he believed me.
One thing led to another - the teacher was fired and even though the police got involved, there was nothing they could do because there were no "real proof" of what had happened that day after class.
And becuase to police didn't trust my story, people at my school started to question me aswell. Even my best friends turned their backs on me when I needed them the most.
And that was the start of my downward spiral. I was 16 and diagnosed with depression, social phobia, anxiety, eating dissorders... I had panic attacks and night terrors. I started to cut myself, and tried commiting suicide.
I couldn't deal with it, I just didn't know how to. All my friends where gone, my relationship with my family was f*cked, I was simply giving up on life.. so I moved to my older boyfriend in another city, far away from everyone.
Therapist number 4 and psych doctors number 2 and 3 finally got me to tell my story, to whole story. They pretty much diagnosed me with PTSD just from reading my journal from the other therapists, and sat me down and asked straight out if the incident with my teacher really was the only thing that had happened to me, or if it had been a trigger for something else.
Hours and hours of therapy followed, I also got treated with EMDR. EMDR really helped me alot and it's something I recommend others to look into, but be very prepared - it made me feel even worse to start with.
But yeah.. therapy and EMDR helped me back on my feet again. I learned how to handle my anxiety, and babystep by babystep I got out of my social phobia and was able to finish school.
And all was just happy times. Until life just decided to flip everything over again.
My boyfriend had helped me thru the darkest period of my life. He was my everything. But after 5 years together something in him just snapped. We had an argument about something, and he totally lost it. I was lying on the bed and he just jumped on top of me and put his hands around my neck, and said that the only thing he had in his mind was that he was going to kill me.
I still stayed with him after that.. but it wasn't good between us, at all. Finally he broke up with me, told me how he had cheated on me with one of my friends and... to top everything of - he threw me out of our home.
The 2 years that followed was nasty. Again, I don't want to go into details but I did so many stupid things, things I wouldn't even consider doing today.
Life is better for me again now. I don't feel like the PTSD is controlling my life in any way like it did before, but I still.... feel it there..? I don't know how else to describe it. I have a somewhat normal life and I can function normally in society but again - it's still there, lurking in the shadows of my soul.
Haha, that just sounded really lame but I can't describe it in any other way.
So... yeah... this became a much longer introduction then I had planned....
(Hm... awkward moment when you don't know how to end something, check!)
Anyways, hugs to all of you
<Reinstated introduction>
When I was 5 a relative that was very close to me died in his sleep. The doctors said it had something to do with his heart, that there was nothing anyone could have done but as a child of only 5 I blamed myself. As I am now older (and wiser, haha) I see how crazy that is, but in my reality at the time I could have stopped him from dying if I had just stopped him from leaving our house the night before to go home to his place. I was a quite child and in my family we never really talked about feelings and stuff like that, so I kept everything inside and felt very sad, and very alone.
But then someone saw me, like really saw me - cared about me.. loved me..?! Again - that's what I thought then. Now looking back... there are just so many things I could have done differently.
I don't want to go into any specific details about what happened but I got sexually abused, multible times and over a time span of about 2-3 years. It was... horrible. What words can I possible use to describe it? I was so young..! Not only did I lose my virginity to that guy, I also lost a big part of myself that I don't think I will ever be able to get back.
Again, I kept everything inside. Too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone about what was going on.
When it finally ended, I just denied everything to the point where it felt like nothing had even happened. Like it was all just some vague memory of a really, really bad dream.
But then something happened, a teacher touched me. In a way a teacher shouldn't touch a student. At first I just did what I had become an expert at - denied it, locked it up somewhere inside. But as other girls in the class started complaining about the teacher to the principal I decided to open up and tell what he had done to me. I remember the silence in the room when I told the principal, I remember the way he looked at me, and I remember being shocked by the fact that he believed me.
One thing led to another - the teacher was fired and even though the police got involved, there was nothing they could do because there were no "real proof" of what had happened that day after class.
And becuase to police didn't trust my story, people at my school started to question me aswell. Even my best friends turned their backs on me when I needed them the most.
And that was the start of my downward spiral. I was 16 and diagnosed with depression, social phobia, anxiety, eating dissorders... I had panic attacks and night terrors. I started to cut myself, and tried commiting suicide.
I couldn't deal with it, I just didn't know how to. All my friends where gone, my relationship with my family was f*cked, I was simply giving up on life.. so I moved to my older boyfriend in another city, far away from everyone.
Therapist number 4 and psych doctors number 2 and 3 finally got me to tell my story, to whole story. They pretty much diagnosed me with PTSD just from reading my journal from the other therapists, and sat me down and asked straight out if the incident with my teacher really was the only thing that had happened to me, or if it had been a trigger for something else.
Hours and hours of therapy followed, I also got treated with EMDR. EMDR really helped me alot and it's something I recommend others to look into, but be very prepared - it made me feel even worse to start with.
But yeah.. therapy and EMDR helped me back on my feet again. I learned how to handle my anxiety, and babystep by babystep I got out of my social phobia and was able to finish school.
And all was just happy times. Until life just decided to flip everything over again.
My boyfriend had helped me thru the darkest period of my life. He was my everything. But after 5 years together something in him just snapped. We had an argument about something, and he totally lost it. I was lying on the bed and he just jumped on top of me and put his hands around my neck, and said that the only thing he had in his mind was that he was going to kill me.
I still stayed with him after that.. but it wasn't good between us, at all. Finally he broke up with me, told me how he had cheated on me with one of my friends and... to top everything of - he threw me out of our home.
The 2 years that followed was nasty. Again, I don't want to go into details but I did so many stupid things, things I wouldn't even consider doing today.
Life is better for me again now. I don't feel like the PTSD is controlling my life in any way like it did before, but I still.... feel it there..? I don't know how else to describe it. I have a somewhat normal life and I can function normally in society but again - it's still there, lurking in the shadows of my soul.
Haha, that just sounded really lame but I can't describe it in any other way.
So... yeah... this became a much longer introduction then I had planned....
(Hm... awkward moment when you don't know how to end something, check!)
Anyways, hugs to all of you
<Reinstated introduction>
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