This Is So Embarassing...

[Leona]

I was just reading over this series of posts again. Whew.....the sexual damage done by abuse is really hard to get past, I think. I really feel for you when you say that trying to orgasm with your partner makes you feel like your father is making you orgasm. I wasn't abused by my father, but the man who abused me used to focus on my vagina like it was HIS...like it belonged to him, and I had no say in what he did to me or when he did it. He drugged me up so he could shut my mind off and make my body his own personal playground. He'd grind away at me with different vibrators, stuff things inside me...different objects, sex toys, articles of clothing, etc....sometimes it caused me pain. I'm very uptight about vaginal stimulation now. I can handle plain intercourse OK, if it's my idea. He was never into that. But as soon as a guy wants to "play around" down there, I shut off immediately. I can't control it. Even if I wear the wrong pair of underwear and they start to rub me a bad way during the day at work or something, it actually can trigger panic and anger. It sounds like the same sort of trigger for you happens when trying to orgasm.
The way I see it right now, healing this deep injury is years off for me. I think you are lucky to have a partner who understands what you have been through and how it's affected you. I'm just hoping some day I can find someone who can offer me the same, and actually find someone who won't care if I'm just sexually "wounded".
Maybe working with the anger piece will help eventually. After all, it was YOUR body, and your right to feel pleasure, and your father took that away. I hope you will find a way to reclaim yourself. You deserve it.

 

[krystina]

Leona,
thank you so much.
I read your stories here and know what you've been through (some of it at least). I can relate to a lot of it, and it's nice (in a weird way) to find someone to relate to on that.
I've been in counseling for over 4 years almost now, have never brought this issue up with her (I guess we just don't talk about that kind of thing in there). She thinks that sexually everything is normal for me - when in reality I am a complete f*ckup, to be honest.

I have had sexual relationships with most of my girlfriends I have had (I enjoy sex, as a whole), but it's just that one thing (oh, and sometimes receiving oral can produce extreme flashbacks which cause painful memories) that I have problems with,
Most people would run a mile when told about what I've endured, so it's why I try not to tell them, you know?

Try not to let your partners have oral sex with you, it may lessen some of the flashbacks.

 

[Lucycat]

But then again, if that is what you enjoy then why shouldn't you? IMHO the idea should be to lessen the flashbacks not the sexual activity!

In my case it is about grounding techniques and strategies for coping. Ultimately I hope enjoyment will come along for the ride too:oops::devil::p

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you for sharing about your difficulties. It can be hard to do so!

I have some very odd issues, too. I find if I tell someone right up front, it is easier. Yes, many many are appalled by what has happened to people like us, however, I find that most are mostly VERY angry at the abuser.

people than run away are scared of the emotional distress we are in, not feeling bad toward us . I did have one significant other, though, we did NOT get it. Very selfish, very thinking that I was a dud-----didn't last long, but too long!!