General This Is So Hard.

[willis williams]

I hope he can see the light. I've talked about this before Seren stayed my best friend through a really bad place in my life. I was going through a divorce sleeping with all the women I could encluding her I never said we were in a relationship so in my mind it was ok. I was just starting to work on my PTSD seriously yes I said I was before but not really. She became my best friend and lover I agreed to no sleeping around but still no relationship. I drank like a fish wich had been going on for years. I would disappear for days even weeks. One day I seen a light in the darkness it had been there for a long time before my divorce and some how I just started step by step changing quit drinking with the occasional slip of a couple 24 ouncers has happened two times since I quit in july 2010. I quit running away. The light that was there all that time was Seren! I still will not get married just engauged. As for remorse for those that passed at my hand or that I had part in yes I have remorse no mater how you look at it it is part of forgiving ones self it is the way we are raised. I don't feel sorry for them they picked up arms to fight and you live by the sword you die by the sword. I think every vet leaves a piece of themselves in the zone. Learning to find the reasons that those parts are not the hole reason for existance is th hard part.

 

[NikkiNikki]

I hope that he can see the light too Tex..29 emails today... the last one I sent I included links and numbers for va ptsd treatments and some links and info I have seen here on CPT.

Last night I prayed (I am not religious at all and I never pray) I prayed that (whoever) would help me find peace in all this & show me the way and that if me and him were meant to be to please send me a sign or if we were not meant to be to please show me the way to get past it because I was so tired of being sad over him & I just want to move on and be myself again. Then I get that email from him at 5:30am...kinda crazy..

 

[willis williams]

Set some boundaries you have that right and if he realy cares for you he will understand. Have you told him some of the things you just wrote in your post. He needs to know you are not his crash pad and if he is using you for a safe place to vent and then bug out again that , that is not what you want. You may still see a future with him but if he doesn't with you for what ever reason PTSD or anything he needs to know that you are not in it for part time. Either all and you deal with his PTSD or none and he go it alone or find someone else because you deserve to live a happy life. Just remember bounderies are a good thing it will give you some control over your life so that feelings don't screw it up. But you have to stick to them.

 

[NikkiNikki]

I think he is done now. Your right he used me to vent out the messed up thoughts in his head because he knew I would listen & be understanding. That was it. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say about him being a good person with a good heart & that he was trained to not care or have remorse for the people he killed & that his PTSD was not his fault. He just wanted to make himself sound and feel like a monster, I tried to tell him it didnt have to be that way & that there were treatments out there that could help me but it would take time... He is not OK & I will probably never hear from him again.

 

[sisu]

Relationships force you to really look at yourself, and if you don't like what you see, the relationship will suffer unless you address it. THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE! PTSD sufferers are quite aware of the hurt they can cause as much as they are afraid of the same hurt being inflicted on them. That is why he is protecting himself, he's trying to protect you too. Let him be for a while. Work on your self and be sure you like what you see.

My ex-BF and I are able to talk and be friends right now because of history and because of trust. I have known this man for 4 years, however in that time there was a 2 year period that I did not talk to him at all. Not one call, not one email, not one text, nothing. We dated other people and went on with our lives. When we reconnected those same feelings of love and trust and friendship were all still there and to the same degree. Those feelings are STILL there, but the time is still not right for us. We are both happy as friends right now. He is able to support me and I am there for him.

If it was meant to be, you will re-unite some day. But until that time....work on YOU, be kind to yourself, love yourself, love your kids and be happy!! If it wasn't mean to be....then you will be a happy loving woman with a different happy loving man. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS AND LOVE!! :)

 

[willis williams]

Elizabeth I gave you that same speech or close to it. Nikki I don't know how it went down but you can't tell a combat vet anything about the killing he did wether you are right or wrong. He does feel remorse that is why he is roostering up and saying I have no remorse. These are self defense mechenisms he is busy trying to convince himself that all the shit he did was normal. So he will ware it out like a badge of honor. Problem is he can't hide all the depression, anxioty, and other symptoms of PTSD. Nikki just promiss you will focus on you being happy and with any combat vet don't ever go there with anything to do with killing not even if you are trying to help them. Don't say it's OK you were trained just give it no notice I have and still do know some of histories tuffest men I'm talking ones that crawled threw the bodies of thier friends and it never comes up about the ones they killed but maybe once in a great while and usualy with vets This is sacred ground and either you have to be very trusted or have done I have known vets who have told me that when a person inquires about the killing in anyway that is when they see the faces. It will come up in vaige passing like I have no remorse but to actually go into it is bad you can end up with a very violent reaction I cross my heart I know this. This is just the wrong button to touch I know of it unexpectedly end in a mass flashback with a loved one triying to calm him down he is in prison for manslaughter. Just some advice leave this one to the professionals. The other stuff try as you may to help as much as you want but enless he is ready you aren't going to get there. Hope this wasn't to harsh Nikki I think you are a sweet heart and I didn't want to hurt any feelings. Lots of LOVE! Nikki and my sweety Elizabeth

 

[NikkiNikki]

No hurt feelings Tex. Thank you for the advice, I dont want to make anything worse than it already is. I know it is a touchy subject so before I said "you were trained to not care or have remorse" I told him that I have NO CLUE what he went through or what he deals with on a daily basis & I can only imagine how hard it is & that All I know is what I have read and what he has told me.
But it is over now. He said what he had to say & I said a lot of what I had to say. I will probably never hear from him again.

I will admit I was very selfish for wanting to him to come back when he is clearly in no place to be in a relationship. He is trying to protect me & himself. He said he would never trust himself with my heart again & that he did us both a favor by ending it when he did instead of a year from now because it would have been a lot worse. I see now that I was selfish because I did not fully understand the extent of his illness.

 

[willis williams]

Well you know now. If you are ever in a situation like this again you have gained the knowledge that some people don't even find out about till say 10, 20 yrs into a marriage. It is sad to me because I consider you a friend but it really saddens me that another vet out there thinks he is not good enough, or sain enough to enjoy a relationship with a beautiful woman that loves him. My misstake was I came home after my tour and got engauged right away and married not to long after. I hid my PTSD from everybody for the first couple years except my dad nam vet with 28 yrs in the army. As time went on I slowly worked at breaking the relationship down because of my symptoms. It was little shit from like distancing myself all week and the get pissed because she would give me a piece of ass. Which was another problem emotionally I couldn't make love it was always just sex. I got good at faking feelings which you will eventually get caught at if you are with the person on a regular basis. All those small thing plus being young it took me 13 yrs to ruin it and over half of that time I was on the road working coming home every two to three months for 10 days. That is why I don't want to get married because I really haven't changed I've just got a lot better at faking it. You will be able to take all that you have learned and find a PTSD free guy that will sweep you of your feet and he will be a cake walk with his normal male bullshit. Which us PTSD guys have to but together it is a mother f*cker for a carer. I wish you the best and don't be a stranger just cause you lost your nut job. TEX

 

[NikkiNikki]

That last line made me laugh out loud, ha! I wont be a stranger, I get a lot of strength, knowledge, and support from this place and the people here like you Tex. I think I have read every single post on this site. I would have been 3 times the mess I am had I not found this forum. Maybe some other chick will read my story and it will help her not feel so alone. I hate it for him & wish I could help him, but its out of my hands. I keep a blog and I've put some of what he has written there if anyone cares to read..http://nickelpicklemom.blogspot.com/
Looking forward to that cake walk of a relationship one day! :)

 

[willis williams]

I don't care what he wrote but I'll check out your blog there pickle. Tex

 

[willis williams]

Nikki, Nice picks don't know how to use your blog probably a good thing I would be more confused. I was going to try and post on there thing refering to the outside world that are not pertaining to a PTSD forum. I'll try again later and see if I can figure it out.Tex

 

[NikkiNikki]

Thanks for reading Tex! It helps to get it out there and not hold it in to myself.