This isn’t a fight I’m ever going to win..

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Evening all,
Apologies once again for going absolutely awol! That seems to be the only thing I’m good at nowadays.

I’m pleased to say that I have 15 minutes left and this day is over, I have officially survived the second anniversary of one of my biggest trigger dates liked to my trauma. It has been a whirlwind of crying on the bathroom floor, sleeping continuously throughout the day, binge watching shitty Netflix, chain smoking and an absolute withdrawal from the world.

Following a lead up to today and the intensity of the pain, now I am exhausted. Not tired and in need of sleep but mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Im sitting on my sofa sipping on my favourite alcoholic beverage (yes not ideal but it’s needed) and trying to breathe through it all. The one question lingering in my head right now... I wonder what I did to deserve any of this? I really want to know why. What have I done in my 26 years of life that warranted this pain, this death sentence? This exhaustion? The tears? I wish I had the answer.

 

[DharmaGirl]

My therapist told me to not ask why. There is no why. No reason it happened to you other than chance. When I heard that I was blown away. If there was a reason, I could cope. If I had been a bad child, and deserved all the bullshit, it made sense. But I wasn't and it didn't. You did nothing to deserve abuse. Nothing.

You did, however, get through a bad anniversary and even if you are exhausted you did it. Can you try to be kind to yourself, maybe just read if you can or watch trash TV? Getting through anniversaries is not easy, takes a lot out of you and now you need extra kindness.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

My therapist told me to not ask why. There is no why. No reason it happened to you other than chance. When I heard that I was blown away. If there was a reason, I could cope. If I had been a bad child, and deserved all the bullshit, it made sense. But I wasn't and it didn't. You did nothing to deserve abuse. Nothing.

You did, however, get through a bad anniversary and even if you are exhausted you did it. Can you try to be kind to yourself, maybe just read if you can or watch trash TV? Getting through anniversaries is not easy, takes a lot out of you and now you need extra kindness.

That actually makes perfect sense. Because I often find myself pondering what I may have done in my life to have then deserved this all as a result.. and I can never find anything that would justify any of this. I guess I can’t help but ask myself why... But I see why your therapist had said it’s probably a good idea to scrap the Why? all together - because it’s not something we’ll ever find the answer to anyway!

I’m having a tougher evening tonight again. How are you?!

 

[DharmaGirl]

Not really good today, but I'll get through it. It has to do with setting boundaries and I need to practice that. Otherwise, good!

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Not really good today, but I'll get through it. It has to do with setting boundaries and I need to practice that. Otherwise, good!

I hope you are feeling better. Boundaries can be difficult. Setting boundaries is definitely a big one for me too. I’ve always been somewhat a people pleaser, it has always been natural to me although prior to my trauma and PTSD it wasn’t half as draining as it is now. Now every time I say yes when I really mean no it feels like I myself have betrayed my own soul. I still find it extremely difficult to be firm in my boundaries and end up feeling rubbish when I don’t respect them - I guess it’s a learning process. Another thing that really really gets to me is over sharing information. Almost like I need to share every detail with every body to solidify and validate what I am saying. Again, I feel so exposed and rubbish when I do this because not everybody deserves access to this information and yet here I am, verbal diarrhoea everything to everyone! Sickening really.

I almost can’t wait to just master this.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I still find it extremely difficult to be firm in my boundaries and end up feeling rubbish when I don’t respect them

It's a learning process. Try to be kind to yourself while learning to do this, or anything. When my son was young, he thought you either knew how to do something or didn't. He was upset when he was 3 and didn't know how to read. I told him you had to learn but he didn't believe me. This is sort of the same thing.

I'm doing well today, except I went out to let out and feed the chickens and was so busy looking at the beautiful sky I tripped over a fence post and fell. So funny! Like the Fool card in tarot cards. I have enough padding that nothing was broken, lol.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

It's a learning process. Try to be kind to yourself while learning to do this, or anything. When my son was young, he thought you either knew how to do something or didn't. He was upset when he was 3 and didn't know how to read. I told him you had to learn but he didn't believe me. This is sort of the same thing.

I'm doing well today, except I went out to let out and feed the chickens and was so busy looking at the beautiful sky I tripped over a fence post and fell. So funny! Like the Fool card in tarot cards. I have enough padding that nothing was broken, lol.

It’s a brilliant example you have used there.
I really do feel like sometimes like post-trauma is a whole new discovery. Actually, post trauma my life shifted in such a way that I no longer recognised who I am or any part of my life, none of it made sense. I HAD to re-learn everything from scratch. It almost felt like such a tragic end (to a blissfully unaware life) and a new beginning.. to whatever this may be now.

I’m a completely different person post-trauma. And nearly two years on I am still learning. Everyday I am learning new things about who I am, discovering the depths of myself. It’s just hard.

On another note though, I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself (too much) I hope you are still doing well!

 

[DharmaGirl]

I am. I'm in the epicenter of the US virus and I'm well. Of course I live outside any big cities. I'm not worried, I always have extra stuff on hand and I planted so many seedlings I don't know where I'm going to put them, lol.

It's true that we have to relearn, or in the case of those of us who never had a before, learn to be a person. I was annoyed yesterday that I can't just be a person without symptoms. I'm over that for the most part but it comes back now and then.