@Sighs I had debated within myself whether to add to this thread; then I remembered you posted under a discussion thread so to add would be appropriate. Your post hit very close to home with me when you wrote: “To much water under the bridge?”
I’ve endured the accusations and verbal abuse for 10 years. My sufferer has returned and diligently continues her therapy. I can see that the meds and the therapy is finally working. She has an awareness that never existed before. I believe she is able to manage her illness. She is in the beginning stages of managing her issues. She looks at me to rebuild our relationship because she tells me she does not know how. I can accept her reasoning because her trauma began in childhood and spanned a lifetime.
I am no longer on the roller coaster ride. Deep down I think it’s because I don’t care anymore. I care about her as a person but I don’t think I care about the relationship anymore. This bothered me for a while. I felt guilt and a sense of obligation. Then I saw your post on Friday. Your one question about too much water under the bridge was an “aha moment” for me. That was what I was feeling.
I’ve known people who have been in love for a lifetime. You can see it in their eyes even very late in their lives. I’ve also known people who have lived a lifetime together out of a sense of obligation only. The obligation being family, or religion, or guilt, or whatever. You can see that in their eyes also. This is what I feel in my heart. I think in my younger days, I would have left and chosen my own happiness. As a much older person now, I have resigned myself to my lot in life. I hope no one criticizes me for this. Perhaps the price for this long battle with PTSD was to high for me. I regret I wasn’t strong enough.
So
@Sighs I don’t know the answer to your last question: “How do we connect...?” I used to ask myself that question every night before fitfully going to sleep. Now I no longer ask the question and I sleep reasonably well. There is a part of me that hopes my sufferer can help me figure this out but there is also a part of me that realizes she may not have the ability.
There is no longer any anger, or frustration, or resentment. There is only a bit of sadness that I wasn’t strong enough to continue.
Take care.
