Sexual Assault This Makes Me Feel So Disgusting

[DiamondBug]

I have seen my psychodynamic therapist for 6 months now, we've spoken about my past (gang raped and tortured at 11, amongst other stuff) briefly, but I honestly don't know how to bring it up again because it's so disgusting to me.

I normally hate people being close to me but when I talk about what happened I automatically want to get him as close to me as possible, like I want to grab his hand or something, almost so I feel like he cares, is that normal? I'd say there's at least one time a session I just want to walk over to his chair and bury my face into his chest, hug him and breakdown, but I know he probably wouldn't let me do that. I am sort of scared to tell him everything they did in case he thinks bad of me.

I'm so humiliated about what happened to me. I sometimes think why didn't they just kill me then. It's breaking me. I know I need to talk about it, I think I am ready now, it's just how to bring it up.

I've been completely alone in this since the attack, my parents or school didn't notice or clearly care about me. I received no medical attention. The police didn't care, 1 month before the attack there was 2 children bitten by a person (one of the things what happened to me) in the place where it happened to me and they did not even do 1 patrol. I feel so let down by everyone.

I had to bandage myself for about 6 months after the attack to hide all the slash marks on my torso and bite marks on my arms, when I told my therapist that, I think he was quite shocked, he started stuttering, then I felt really bad, because up to that point I guess he had no idea how bad it was, I have a habit of downplaying things that have happen that really hurt me because I tremble, cry and flashback, he knows the first few bits of what happened to me but about 2/3 he doesn't know and that's the worst stuff. Does it help when you've told someone everything? Or will it just make me break.

Sorry this was long and gross, I'm just so lost in all this, I think maybe getting it off my chest will stop me feeling like I'm rotting inside.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

You are so beautiful and brave for sharing. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It makes my heart bleed to just picturing this. Yes, telling the worst parts can sometimes be a big relief. It's OK if your T is studdering over it, its a very powerful story. He wants to say the right thing to help you. I think telling him that you can't be alone with this anymore would be a brave thing to do. That you want to be touched or held is healthy. I wish I could hug you.
You will get through this. Just stay with your therapist. Having an attachement to him so he can support you is so important. Clearly you feel safe with him.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

And it's not gross to me. The story is violent and degrading but you are pure and clean and worthy of so much love.

 

[hodge]

@DiamondBug, I support you in telling your T everything, especially since you trust him so much. This is a major first step. It's damn painful, yes, but you didn't do anything to deserve this. It sucks, but when people do horrible stuff to us it's then up to us to clean up the mess and help ourselves heal, because no one else will. It's not right, but it's the way of the world. Take care of yourself and lots of us will be there to help you do that. :hug:s

 

[foreveralone2099]

i think the people who did this to you and the ones who stood by and let it happen are the gross ones. not you. it's not your fault.

therapists are there for telling things and i'm sure with time you'll feel comfortable enough to get it off your chest.

it's maybe not great that you're seeing a male therapist as falling in love with the person you are confessing your secrets to is a wellworn cliche.

sharing with us is a first good step imo.

 

[DiamondBug]

You are so beautiful and brave for sharing. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It makes my heart blee...

Thanks for your response and really nice words. I do try and be as open as possible with him, it's just getting the words out sometimes. I think why I want touch from him so badly is because I never had it from anyone, but if he rejected me after pouring my heart out it'd kill me. I don't know I might try and awkwardly hint to him next week about it. Take care of yourself.

 

[DiamondBug]

@DiamondBug, I support you in telling your T everything, especially since you trust him...

Thanks for your reply. It's so important I get better for me, it's just a really horrible process, but I know it won't get easier by leaving it alone, that's why I'm determined to give it my best shot . Take care of yourself :hug:

 

[hodge]

@DiamondBug, please be aware that Ts are trained to keep boundaries for everybody's good. I think a brief hug would be okay, but nothing beyond that. I think part of his job is to help you get to the point where you can get good people in your life that you can hug. Meantime, you have massive :hug:s from me :-)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does it help when you've told someone everything? Or will it just make me break.

I gained the help of a celebity Doctor (long story) on how to tell my therapist of my real true trauma. Before then we were just talking about my family and now life stuff. I grew up in a cult so all the torture also happened to me.

It's a lot and I had no clue how to even start to tell my therapist. What Dr Drew advised me to do was to write on a piece of paper "I grew up in a cult and very bad things happened to me but I don't know how to tell you" and gave it to my therapist to read during session. He then was able to help me talk about it. It took a long while to actually say things out loud and for the first bit we just passed notes all sessions. I told him small tiny bits at a time. It took 2 yrs for me to tell him all of it but i would write something like "i was badly tortured and am having trouble telling you". Or even say that. Not all therapists are equipped to help those sorts of trauma. Luckily my therapist has worked with cult survivors before but honestly not all are so saying/writing something small will help them to know if they are the right therapist for you to gain the most out of therapy.

It also takes a lot of trust that took a long time to build. It was very small pieces each week to see how he handled that before I advised him of something "bigger" or "worse". Also, I never look at my therapist and turn completely around to look behind me when I am trying to advise of something super embarrasing or will still today write it down.

I can write what I can't say and so reading to him things I wrote here helps. So if I can't tell him something and I have made a thread for it, I read it to him or let him read it himself. He knows of everything i post here as I choose to read/let him read everything I post. That has helped me too. So maybe just showing them the orginal post will be enough to help let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.

It's hard but well worth telling them as they can help you better if they know or if they aren't experienced in the type of trauma, they can refer you to someone that is and you can get the most help so you arent working with a therapist whom isn't equipped to best help you.

:hug:s

ETA: I can relate to wanting to hug the therapist. I crossed boundries BADLY at first and so he just very gently but firmly kept laying the boundries and slowly I learned how to stay inside of them. I would advise the therapist of the want to touch their hand or hug them as that is very normal and shows that you need comfort. The therapist can comfort you, just in different ways and still maintain proper boundries. My therapist comforts me all of the time. But making them aware is again helping them to best help you.

 

[DiamondBug]

i think the people who did this to you and the ones who stood by and let it happen are the gro...

Thanks for your reply. I do agree with you, i think being complete isolation with this messed me up more, that's why I almost see myself as the bad one.
I think I am getting better with being more open, it's still hard but I think it always will be.
I was advised against going for a female t as my first and last told me if my 3 rapists did that to any other girls it'd be my fault because I didn't report it, it caused me attempt suicide.
I think I'm almost in love with him just because I've never had this sort of interaction with anyone especially not a man, I think I'll grow past it.
Take care of yourself!

 

[Friday]

There are things I've never been able to talk about without skin to skin contact. Whether that's my being in bed with someone, or my being on the middle of a semi-serious fight (sparring to brawling) with someone.

Clearly, for me, there's more to it than just the skin to skin contact... But that's a piece of it. And not a small piece.

So it makes perfect sense to me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think it's quite normal to have those feelings for your therapist, when all others, including your parents don't show you the care and love that you need. Although normal to feel that way, it would be out of bounds to act upon those feelings. I don't think that hugging or touching your therapist is a good idea. I think that you need to rein in those feelings and find a healthier way to cope with what you're feeling.

Your parents, the school and the police HAVE let you down. You have yourself and all of us here to help. Post when you need to, to try and deal with what you are feeling, thinking. Read as much as you can on here to learn a lot about what you are going through, coping skills, ground skills and a ton of different things to help you.......