This One Time At Basic Training Stories...

[BV101]

Ned, its my fault I did not even 1% supervise them.

 

[Sarg]

Gave me a marksmanship ribbon for my accuracy with the sling and stone.

Sarg

 

[Wagon]

Back on the Ark we ran into this big storm. Noah was even looking bit worried. Stopped shagging his daughters anyway. And who's sitting down in the cargo hold talking to Giraffes and having a gay old time. Seaman Recruit Jesus. So I says "Hey Christ" (we called him by his last name...we were tight) "What are you so damn happy about?"
And Jesus says "Don't worry everything will be all right" And I says "All right for you, you bastard. You can walk ashore" He just looked up and smiled.

Then Noah came below cursing and yelling asking "Who ate all the f*cking chickens?" Of course Christ was nowhere to be found. Everyone just kept on saying "Oh he's talking to his dad again and rolling their eyes."

Never saw Jesus or the 20 dollars I lent him again after that cruise. Said it was an "offering" wtf?

 

[Bill Simmons]

Test Yourself : Are you a Neanderthal?

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? +5

2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? -5

3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, +3

4. How about a forehead? If not, +3

5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? +5

6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? +10

7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? +5

8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, +1 for every five degrees of slope.

9. Less than five feet tall? +1 for every inch under.

10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm,+1 for every inch of difference.

11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.

12. Pigeon-toed? +5

13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal--no points.

14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold anapple? +5

15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion? +15

16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? +10

17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? +5

18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? +3

Scoring
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is recommended.

 

[Ned]

I think I might be Cro-Magnon, cat-wise.