This Really Isn't Working

[Jane.l]

@franciemarnie thanks you are right paying for silence is pointless .

Maybe he had got personal stuff going on - he was totally different today from Monday and I find that unsettling too - I need stability .

I have told him many times how I am very uncomfortable with his silence he knows he could sit there in silence all day and it wouldn't get me to talk - you are right I need to find out what he was trying to do .
He asked me to email him when I got home I haven't coz I am so pi**ed at him and I wanted it to be a measured response not an angry reaction .

I had just got sort of stable after weeks of being in a really dark place and this will effect everything - drinking , eating ,self harm. I really feel like giving up on everything

 

[franciemarnie]

You are so smart to wait until you feel a bit more calm. I am just the same. I will get so frigging pissed off but I know to wait so the recipient of my communication won't respond my anger, but instead to the legitimate reasons for feeling mad.

You go gurl!

 

[Sally sue]

Boy, this sounds difficult :( sorry you have to go through this!

What about emailing him with much of what you've expressed here? I find that sometimes I can email my thoughts, questions, feelings, and concerns better when I'm not in the room, you know?

Also, I wonder if you were making progress and then you got scared...that's happens to me, and then I start looking for any little sign that the T doesn't care about me, so I can run away...I also tell her this when it happens. Honestly, I have told her during difficult times and sessions that I hated her, which I have never been able to tell anyone in my life, then I get scared again, and have to make sure we are still okay.

I think that when you have trust issues and pain from the past, it's natural to feel very attached to your T because maybe their the only person who had ever been there for you, and that can be very scary!!!

Hang in there & keep plugging along,
Sally sue

 

[Sweethellishlove]

I hate when I feel like I'm boring my therapist. I had one that was literally falling asleep during my session. I was thinking maybe she's on medication or I am just that f*cking boring. I would honestly be pissed off if I sat in the therapist office with no talking, probably would walk out. Never had a therapist just let me zone out and not talk they will change the topic to something else just to keep me talking and then go back to the original topic. Sounds like you trust him though, which is a really big thing. I think you can keep doing it, just might take some time to get over this other hurdle.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks Sally sue - yes I am very attached to him because he is the only person I have trusted and he has mostly been a rock for the last year but in the last few months we seem to have issue after issue with our relationship some my fault some his but I feel my therapy is becoming more about this than the actual issues and to be honest I have such a multitude of issues I don 't need more .

And I get what you mean about using a situation to avoid the scary stuff we don 't want to do - I do that too - but in this case I was actually feeling pleased and feeling supported and able to work on it till this morning damn it ! Wish I hadn't 't gone

I am going to email him - just trying to find the right tone and not really sure if I want to carry on or call it a day

 

[Jane.l]

@Sweet - yeah I did pretty much walk out at the end didn't say goodbye just walked . I trust him but he doesn't seem to get how fragile all of this is.

So frustrating when you think you are on track !

 

[Sweethellishlove]

I think you are on track just got derailed for a bit just got to get back on. Maybe like you said he was having something personal going on, which should never effect how he treats his patients. Being a doctor or a therapist your patients are number 1 as soon as you get into the office.

 

[Jane.l]

Maybe - I just get a bit freaked when someone acts so differently - I think I get a bit triggered by seeing a different side to someone or them not being the person i thought they were - not sure if that makes sense anywhere other than in my head !

 

[Sally sue]

Totally makes sense to me :)

 

[Sweethellishlove]

I like constancy as well. I guess because everything else is so unstable about my life. It's nice to have that one person that's always the same, so when there is a change it's like what the f*ck? I don't need any more instability you are supposed to be a rock. I'm not big on change anyway, which is why I really limit who is in my life.

 

[Jane.l]

@Sweet that's funny I just emailed my T 'wtf was that about this morning ?' We do get on and I like that I can be really blunt with him .

I then carefully explained my issues with this morning and he got straight back to me and apologised which I appreciated - still not quite sure whats me and what's him - he did admit he finds it really hard to change the discussion once I am zoned out - so he 's asked me to bring a list of things I think I can talk about to the next session - anyway we are talking still not sure if we can balance our relationship enough for it to be helpful and not quite so painful but I have invested so much and come so far with him I can't quite walk away yet .

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks to you all for your comments they really helped to calm me down and get my head straight before I emailed my T - thank u