This Time Last Year....

[shimmerz]

I just thought it would be nice to remind ourselves or start the day with a sense of accomplishment. I wonder if it would be a good idea to think back to a year ago, 6 months ago, yesterday, whenever, and honour what we have accomplished. It is so easy to get lost in the 'bad' and I think it is really important to focus on the good. It keeps us grounded in knowing we are working and accomplishing. I feel like part of our healing is being able to acknowledge what we have accomplished.

 

[shimmerz]

This time last year I couldn't walk into a grocery store on my own. Now I am shopping on my own sometimes. I get confused still but I am doing it!

 

[RussH]

A very good Idea.

 

[StellaBlue]

Oh aack. This time last year, I was in the final descent of a downward spiral culminating in a suicide attempt and hospitalization in mid/late August. As cringe-worthy as it is (I missed my son's birthday and the start of school), it is a good reminder of what a very different and better place I am in now. I feel more grounded and "real" than I ever have and am starting to believe that maybe I have the tools and capacity to heal.

 

[purgemeofthepain]

Oh man, this time last year I was weighing 277lbs, eating myself sick every single day, eating compulsively just to subconsciously fill the black void within and appease the awful pain; it was the only way I knew how to comfort myself and self-soothe.

I was also completely gone into an abyss of dissociation that I couldn't even see. I never even realized I was "doing it all so wrong". I was grossly over medicated, living in a constant haze, where I couldn't feel a single thing, both in my body and my soul. I was almost literally, more dead than alive. One of the walking dead.

SO much has changed. I lost 84lbs and counting. I finally feel my body more clearly, I'm aware of my past trauma now and actively working on healing from it. I'm more honest with myself and everyone else, I'm much less dead or "flat" emotionally, more in touch with the reality around me, I dissociate much less and less severely, I exercise and shower every day now, wow the change is endless! I stopped living like a vampire, going to bed at 3AM and waking at 3PM. Now I sleep at 10PM and rise at 5AM!

So needless to say, I'm extremely grateful for it all. Thanks @shimmerz for this thread, I feel it's very important for our recovery to try and focus more on the positive side of our lives and selves cause otherwise there's just no way we can overcome and heal. I realize most of us can't really see anything positive about PTSD and our lives in its aftermath, but there IS a silver lining to all this cause if we work hard and try our hardest, we come out the other end as better, stronger people, with a high level of self-acceptance and kindness, where as those who haven't been so challenged by life, probably don't know themselves as well as we do, and definitely don't have the same sense of empathy towards others.

Stay strong people and never give up on yourselves. I know it all looks dark and scary right now, and probably always has, but there IS a way out and there are better days ahead. Keep hope alive!

 

[franciemarnie]

I was oblivious to the fact that I looked outside myself so often for what was wrong inside myself.

I was also near fainting when I went out a lot. Didn't have good self assessment tools for creating and maintaining a sense of physical well being, or emotional well being.

 

[greenleaf]

Thank you for this thread, it's an excellent idea.

A year ago I was in a thickening fog, and didn't know anything about dissociation; the fog was covering most of my life -- it was sort of greyed out, and I had no emotional "I was there" memories of much of anything. Shoulder was hurting, muscles had always been tight though, that was just normal.

Loads of changes but I'm still working through a lot of things. I'm learning just how much of my life I've kept locked in various deep muscles; apparently my posture is actually better now according to my physical therapist. Lots of muscles are still tight and fairly numb though, esp. on my left side. However I have periods now when I can feel deep muscles that I didn't know were numb; comparing it to the right side makes this clearer.

I got a therapist with specialization in dissociation and trauma and am identifying when I numb out better. Working on techniques that help with alternatives to emotional/physical numbing, which seems my immediate, automatic reaction to things that feel threatening on that old level.

It's a good thing we can still learn when we're a bit older! :wideeyed:

 

[Underdog]

This time last year, I had just recovered from broken ribs. The "downtime" and the pain meds really messed my mind up because it afforded me a lot of time to dwell on the trauma that ended one year prior. Although I was getting better, I was doing everything in my power to mask the pain, lashing out in anger and still found it very difficult to care about anything I previously had been so passionate about among other major issues. Now, the three I specifically mentioned have been significantly reduced although I am still triggered from time to time. Also, given my last several week long triggered response, today I realize that I must take a much more active stand in my recovery. It won't just go away if I don't work at it and help my therapist by following her instructions.

 

[franciemarnie]

Like @greenleaf, I can read my body better. I can know how I feel emotionally by what hurts and what feels good. The best is when my back feels like velvet - then I know "I have my back", I am taking care of and supporting myself. When my feet feel light and fluffy, I am releasing toxic emotion and doing happy things.

 

[Leigh925]

This time last year I was having my first session with a new therapist after a 10 year absence from therapy. I am so grateful I decided to try "one last time". I have learned more working with him in the last year than all of the therapist I tried before combined.

Last year I was walking around in denial, dissociated and numb. This year I am feeling more alive...trying new things and still working really hard to understand my emotions and not let them overwhelm me....which they still do...but baby steps right?

In the last year I have learned how to start saying no and stand up for myself. This is still a work in progress.

Because of certain aspects of my trauma I was always triggered by red shoes....I always wanted a pair but could never bring myself to even think about it. I haven't owned a pair of red shoes for almost 30 years. I now own a pair of red shoes. I threw up before I even left the store I purchased them from and it took me 24 hours to even take them out of my car and let them in my space...now I wear those shoes with pride and I wear them often. No one has a clue when they see me in my shoes other than my therapist and my husband what it truly means...but it is a victory for me!

Most importantly and it has taken almost the whole year to realize it...but I am starting to learn that I deserve to be loved.

I have also been pleasantly surprised in the last year how much support can come from strangers all over the world who put themselves out there and share their stories on this forum. I have never had the courage to post...just commented from time to time but I have listened and observed and grown so much from all of you and your bravery. It has been a great and horrible and meaningful and hard year full of tears and triumphs. Thanks for the idea and opportunity to reflect!

 

[RussH]

This time last year I was about T- two months from a major flashback, that would change my life in a significant way. I did not know that I had PTSD. I knew that there was this thing about me, and occasionally this pain from the past would resurface, but I never knew what it was, or why it would do that. I also had these negative thoughts and feelings about myself, but I just figured that was just me.

Then I was triggered into a major flashback. I did not know if I would survive it. At the same time I was reading a book, and all of a sudden I realized the main character shared very similar feelings and thoughts that I had, and that told me I was not alone. I started doing some research, and realized so much of how I thought, acted and felt was all tied to my emotional abuse.

I started therapy, then I lost my job as a result of being triggered.

Today I cannot say I am better than I was a year ago, but I will be better a year from now.

 

[Hope4Now]

Great thread! Thank you.

This time last year I was in miserable pain, on a sailboat in Canada, and having hideous withdrawal symptoms from a trial of cymbalta that I stopped because it made me feel even deader than I usually felt. I had no idea I had PTSD (still thought that was for soldiers and survivors of hideous torture and disaster). I would have shrugged off any suggestion that I had survived trauma through my life, and would have openly laughed at the idea that my pain could have any relation to emotion, or that psychotherapy could help me.

This time last year, I'd never had a flashback, involuntary body movements, or voices from the past haunting me. I didn't know that I was dissociated most of the time, or feeling emotion only intellectually.

This time last year, I was working full-time, presenting at conferences and consulting, and trying to convince my mother that I was not a horrible person for insisting she move to assisted living after her fall.

Now? I have a wonderful therapist I've decided to trust. He is helping me learn how to be in my body and feel emotion, and supporting me as all the buried chaos from my life continues to erupt and frighten me. Just about every assumption I'd had about who I am and what my life was and is all about has been shattered, along with the cage I've hidden in since I was very young. I am working on picking up the pieces of my life and hoping I find my true self in the process.

I'm extraordinarily grateful for all I've learned on the forum and for all the support and encouragement people here have offered to me. It has helped me gain the courage to talk about myself when I am face-to-face with my therapist, and even with my husband.