Thoughts About Being Bisexual.

[Hashi]

Thanks, Ayesha. It's fine.

I hope talking to your therapist about this will be helpful.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I was saying I would find it hard to understand that unless you could explain it more specifically in a way I could relate to.

unless you can explain what it would mean to you to have a deeper understanding of yourself in relation to this, it will probably be hard for someone to understand that.

I am thinking of this and so far have drawn a blank on how to explain the feelings.

So let's start with: Do you understand what I mean by sexuality being basic and core to your life?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Is your husband scared that you'll cheat on him?

He might think the desire to sleep with a woman might become so strong that you will do it anyway

that is betrayal and if you will do that you might sleep with a woman.

My partner doesn't think I'll cheat on him with another woman,

And one that might prove to be stronger than a marriage.

I still wouldn't act on it, because I'm not a person who cheats.

I guess this train of thought is/was being brought up a lot and made me feel defensive. I do understand why though: It is a big reason husband is worried. Before this was being brought up so much it wasn't really first in my mind and now I am worried about it too, not in the sense that I will cheat more of his thoughts. I don't want to shake the foundation of our marriage but I can't ignore it either.

I think talking about it in stages with him is a good place to start. Maybe I can write out an outline like you do before you write an essay or paper. :laugh:

I tend to do a lot of reading. It's how I learn. I need to know more and I need to speak with my therapist.

Life is complex. :O_o:

 

[Core]

I'm sorry for going on and on about the cheating, unfaithfulness just seems to be a big worry for some when the partner is bisexual, and to me it doesn't make sense. :) (By the way, I didn't mean to say that I think you specifically are attracted to other men or women, you've already stated that you don't look much at others etc. - I only went that way to explain my view. :))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

to me it doesn't make sense

What part does not make sense?

you've already stated that you don't look much at others

Not normally. If I look at all it's mostly woman these days but it's rare. The last time was over a month ago. I actually stared at her with my mouth open.:laugh: :oops: When I realized what I was doing I started laughing. She was getting coffee across the cafe and didn't even look at me so I know she didn't notice.

I'll have to ask therapist if looking is seen as normal thing for humans or that another thing I should somehow not do...I can't see my husband ever dong that. That would probably upset him.

 

[Core]

Well, both looking at others and feeling threatened that a partner does it seems normal. What doesn't make sense to me is being scared that a partner will cheat because of bisexuality. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

both looking at others and feeling threatened that a partner does it seems normal.

There was a TV show in the 90's I still enjoy watching. The show goes into a bunch of marriage and family issues. One episode was about how the man's wife caught him looking at other women, with no intention of cheating on her, it was just something he did. And the whole episode was about how that made her feel and what to do about it.

Maybe I should dig out that DVD and watch it. :p

What doesn't make sense to me is being scared that a partner will cheat because of bisexuality.

Agreed. It is hard to wrap my head around and understand because like I said I don't want that. But he must feel threatened so I must try to understand and help him.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Ayesha,

I have quickly scanned through the thread so excuse me if I am missing anything.

To me this is how I am reading it. That for you exploring this is about exploring your identity. I think everyone on this thread has understood that actually.

I do also think peoples immediate response was to put to you why your husband is possibly reacting like he is and that his reactions would be pretty standard for most people. I agree with what people have put forward here and many have made really good points. I think people particularly answered in this vein as you were expressing confusion and hurt about your husbands reactions and it seemed that these possibilities had not occurred to you.

The way I see it there are three separate areas here:
* Your self exploration and identity.
* Your husbands feelings and perspective.
* Your relationship.

Successfully negotiating this will be about getting all of these safely taken care of. I have no doubt you can do it! ;)

As someone who's husband appeared to be gay at one point (obviously very different to being in a relationship with someone bisexual and actually he was making it up to "get" at me) I would say that feeling we need to be able to have the potential to offer our spouse all that they are looking for in a relationship is pretty standard in a relationship. It is that key area of insecurity that tends to play out in these situations it seems and can involve the other person having struggles with aspects of their own identity. Or it has in the relationships that I know of that have been affected by it.

All pretty other than the point for me at the moment and for a while as I can't even sleep in a bedroom let alone have any type of normal relationship emotionally or more.

I guess the first step is to find out exactly what is going on in your husbands mind and that way you can know how to share your important journey more safely for you both.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

his reactions would be pretty standard for most people.

I was pretty hurt but then reading these responses I started to understand what he might be thinking.

to offer our spouse all that they are looking for in a relationship is pretty standard in a relationship.

I think this is going to be one of the more difficult issues to deal with. It is going to be difficult for him to understand that just because I am bisexual does not mean I am unhappy with him.

I guess the first step is to find out exactly what is going on in your husbands mind and that way you can know how to share your important journey more safely for you both.

Yeah. It is a hard subject to talk about with him. Baby steps...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Husband and I can spend the evening talking about religion, history, morals, and cultural. I hope this is going to be something we can talk about for hours...but then hours may be pushing it at first. But I would love to have the same level of conversion we do when we talk about history.

 

[Rumors]

My intent was surely not to insinuate that you would cheat, but instead to give you a different perspective on how HE could perceive that you MIGHT think about it. As well, never to insinuate there was something wrong with exploring your thoughts but to simply point out that your life partner isn't really comfortable with it so maybe it is something that could be sought after in a slower manner or on a timeline that you both can live with. I think it is great you are willing to take the time to understand yourself better. Kudos!

Everyone see's things from their own perspective. The trick is to occasionally step outside the comfort zone and see things from the other perspective. I don't do that well enough but I am constantly reminded how I need to work harder on trying to do better!

Best wishes!

 

[Pencil]

That would be me.

Me too :)