Thoughts About Being Bisexual.

[Lady of Longbourn]

I consider myself bisexual even though I have never been in a relationship with a woman. I know I am just like a young male teenager would know he likes females even though he has never had sex before. I do not have a problem with it. It does not scare me or worry me. Though I would love to know more about it in terms of feelings and thoughts of other people who are also or may think they are bisexual.

My husband on the other hand...Well, he does not have a problem with other people's sexuality however talking about my own sexuality with him is difficult. He gets very quiet and he worries about it. He seems to think that if I read about it or explore it in any way I will get ideas of cheating on him with a woman. He does not understand why I would want to read about being bisexual when I am clearly in a monogamous relationship with him which is supposed to be a life long commitment.

I do not have any intention of having a relationship with a woman. I rarely 'check out' woman but I still don't see a problem with talking about it and reading about it. I have talked about it with my therapist a few times but we don't talk about it often because it is not a pressing subject. However, I am starting to feel a little hurt by my husband's silence. I feel like being silent about it does not help being open about feelings in a relationship and in a marriage talking and communication are a very big deal.

I need a place to talk about being bisexual because even though it does not worry me it stills needs to be shared. I wish I could explain better. I feel I am not doing my mind justice here.

Is anyone else bisexual? Do you think it helps or hinders your relationships? Do you think maybe PTSD played a part in your own sexuality because to be honest I wonder if I would have thought about my own sexuality so early in life otherwise. My own life experiences and having PTSD caused me to look more into my sexuality in order to heal.

 

[Core]

I am, but it's really a non-issue for me, and neither relationships nor sex are going to happen for some time anyway. Before I ever was in a serious (some say teen relationships are never serious) relationship I dated a girl for a while, but she had her issues, I had mine, and it never evolved. Mental health issues/rape didn't "cause" it, but it would likely be easier/less frightning for me to be with a girl than a guy now. Not very helpful, but you're not alone.

Is your husband scared that you'll cheat on him? If that's the problem I hope he realizes that no matter straight or bisexual, you're still the woman who loves him and wants to be in a committed relationship with him. He's attracted to women too, he's not going to cheat because of that.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

He gets very quiet and he worries about it. He seems to think that if I read about it or explore it in any way I will get ideas

I wanted to buy some books about bisexuality. Husband refused to buy them saying that there is no reason to explore something I say I am not going to act upon.

My therapist tells me while smiling at me, that I have a hard time hearing the word "No." and will usually do it anyway. So I bought the books used, with my own money and using my own account. I should be getting them in the mail soon and I hope the reaction is not too bad. Maybe I could hide them. I can just see my therapists face when I tell him about this later this week.

But...it should not be that way. I should not have to secretly buy the books. And there is no way silences is the right choice here.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Mental health issues/rape didn't "cause" it,

For added clarification I am not asking if you feel you are bisexual becasue of rape or sexual violence rather if you think it may have caused you to look into your sexuality. For me for example I started reading non-trauma related books about sex to broaden my view. It was then I developed a more healthy approach to sex and sexual feelings and in that process realized what I was feeling was okay. I wonder if I would have realized that early in life verse if I had never been sexually abused and therefore would have never read that book and never thought of it, at least not in my mid-20's.

Maybe that was not what you were saying. I am just adding that for clarification for future readers.

He's attracted to women too, he's not going to cheat because of that.

Good point. :)

 

[Pencil]

Do you think that perhaps it makes him feel inadequate? He might think the desire to sleep with a woman might become so strong that you will do it anyway, in the same way that you bought the books.

 

[Pencil]

I am bisexual as well, but if I were in a relationship with a woman who spent time, energy, and money exploring her own attraction to men it would make me wonder ... I think I would go quiet as well. I'm not against what you are doing, but I think it requires a particular kind of strength and security in a partner to process this easily or comfortably.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Inadequate is an interesting thought Pencil, but wouldn't that make talking about it even more important?

My therapist once told me that I would probably sleep with a woman just to try it. Same with the books. But I am not stupid enough to treat the books the same way as sleeping with another person while married. I know the consequences of those actions.

A lot to think about. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

if I were in a relationship with a woman who spent time, energy, and money exploring her own attraction to men it would make me wonder

Why though? It is perfectly with in your partners rights to understand their own sexuality. It seems logical to me to want to know yourself in those terms.

I would just be that much more comfortable with myself.

 

[Core]

Maybe that was not what you were saying. I am just adding that for clarification for future readers.

It wasn't, I just didn't quite know how to word it - I knew early that I am bisexual, because I've fallen in love with girls, in addition it wasn't caused/affected by mental health issues or rape. That probably still didn't come out clear... Anway, I didn't read you as asking about "cause". :)

(Also I overlooked that it was categorized in the relationships section. :facepalm: Just wanted you to know you're not alone.)

 

[Core]

I am bisexual as well, but if I were in a relationship with a woman who spent time, energy, and money exploring her own attraction to men it would make me wonder

Imagine that lesbian is the "norm" though, and then after entering the relationship with you she realizes she's bisexual, wonders if it's wrong that she's attracted to men, may have had problems with sexuality generally, and therefore needs to get to know herself. Or is it just that it won't be relevant either way as long as you stay together? Interesting topic anyway.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sexuality is a pretty core value. It is a basic belief. Regardless of the length of time in a relationship it is still a very basic human idea.

It can shape your life and your path. So I can sort of understand why your partner may feel threatened because you are exploring sexuality but it is such a basic human thought. Sex is one of the cores of existence, without it we would not be here.

So you can see why talking about it is such an issue here. If my husband feels threatened or inadequate we need to talk about it so he understands I am not reading or talking with my therapist because I want to put it into practice but because it is a core belief in your life.

:)

 

[Pencil]

Inadequate is an interesting thought Pencil, but wouldn't that make talking about it even more important?

I am not particularly forthcoming about my inadequacies :D. I think most people want to live with the illusion that we are IT for a partner.

it is a core belief in your life

And one that might prove to be stronger than a marriage.

I always (not only on this thread or in this discussion) get the impression that you are very secure or strong or something within yourself. You approach the world with a kind of certainty. Does you husband have the same kind of certainty about himself? And what about religious / cultural beliefs?

I really do understand your need to explore this and talk about it, and it is very healthy and mature. But I can also see that it MIGHT be eroding the solid ground underneath your husband. I could be wrong - for all we know he might be quiet for other reasons.