Thoughts About Being Bisexual.

[Mayday]

if I were in a relationship with a woman who spent time, energy, and money exploring her own attraction to men it would make me wonder ... I think I would go quiet as well

I think I would do this too. I'm not entirely sure why. I can't speak for what may or may not be going through your husband's mind but will try and answer the 'why' from my own thinking

I know that when I have been with someone and they professed an attraction or admiration of a certain type of person (maybe redheads or liking a specific accent) then I feel bad for not being what they want. I wouldn't actually say that I am an inherently insecure person, but certain things do trigger those feelings in me. I think probably from growing up never feeling like I was enough, always feeling bad for not being what my family wanted. Maybe that will always be a "wired button" for me, no matter if the person pushing that button isn't doing it to hurt me at all.

Also I think it's worth considering that male heterosexuals grow up with a lot of different expectationss of them in terms of their sexuality, a lot of it revolves around sexuality being about actions, what they have done, what they want to do...so it's more about "doing" women as opposed to "being" heterosexual. Does that kind of make sense? So although you might be telling him you have no intention of acting on your bisexuality, it might be hard for him to actually hear or believe that because of all the programming (not sure that's the right word) of his own youth and figuring out sexuality.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am not bisexual, but I do believe that my trauma caused turmoil in this regard. I went through times where I dated women, but I always knew I liked men.

If my boyfriend came to me and said that he was bisexual, I would feel uneasy not because I'm against it, but because I would fear that I can't give him everything he needs. I think your husband may have similar fears. Yes, communication is important, but he may need time to come to terms with this. I don't know your husband, but I know that a lot of guys are sensitive to anything which may call their manhood into question, and this may very well fall into that category.

 

[Rumors]

I don't know for sure, however if my husband were exploring his sexual feeling about anything other than me, I might feel rejected in some way. Perhaps your husband feels a sense of rejection like he isn't enough? In a man's mind, there is no difference in you saying I am attracted to Tom Cruise vs I am attracted to women. Either one could crush their delicate ego.

For whatever reason, right or wrong, your husband is uneasy with this. I understand that you feel like he needs to support you in your endeavors and I am sure he does however, if you could maybe try and see where his insecurity is coming from perhaps you might feel differently about it all??? Fact is, as you have said, you are committed to him or in other words, he is your priority. Until he is comfortable with you perusing information, should you question how far you should go? Think of this too, you have order books behind his back!!!! In his mind, that is betrayal and if you will do that you might sleep with a woman. Tell him about the books before they come!!!! I might even make a pact that I wouldn't explore until he understood more about what it meant to you. Trust will make or break this deal for you! If you are caught with books, trust is broken!

Do you think you would be giving up anything by delaying it until your husband understood it more? If he knows that you all have to talk thru this, either in therapy or at home, perhaps he will understand the importance to you as well. He is your priority I am sure and I think you are his. Hang in there! Sounds like a tough one! Good luck and I hope you can figure it all out where it is a mutual discussion!! I admire your desire to figure yourself out completely! I am sure that is a quality your husband loves about you. Strength is a wonderful quality!!!

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hi Ayesha,

I actually am bi-sexual, I've always had a fascination with women, sex and things like that since I was young.

When I was 16 I knew I really did like girls, but I liked guys even more, and so didn't really act on it until I was about 17-18.

I've been in lesbian relationships, dated girls casually, and still do like them.

My partner doesn't think I'll cheat on him with another woman, and knows that even though I enjoy women, I'm only interested in him.

I think it's healthy to allow your sexual preferences room to breathe, otherwise it's something that sits and stagnates, and you feel guilty.

I've found that once I talk to my partner about what's going through my head, it loses it's strength, because it is played out, so to speak.

I think of it this way, a sexual fantasy often loses it's appeal when played out in real life, it's usually much more attractive when in the privacy of your head.

Anyway, just my two cents.

 

[The Albatross]

I guess since you are married and have no intention of acting on your attraction to women, this is a self acceptance thing? Though hetero, I have been told I have a lot of "yang" and have been approached by women who are attracted to me. But on self examination I am behaviorally more masculine than perhaps is comfortable for some, but sexually am indeed hetero. I am glad I know this about myself.

It is my habit to read and self examine. I think that is what you are doing, exploring an aspect of your self-hood. I think it is good to know my self in that, I find it anchoring. What I believe, what I know and accept about myself, what my values are. What about myself can get me mixed messages from my partner or other people... it has been worth the effort to self examine and decide as an adult who I am, what I am about, and what I value.

Well wishes and you're getting some great feedback Ayesha!

 

[Philippa]

I felt when I was about 19 that I was Bisexual, though I have never actually had consentual sex with another woman. I was, however, basically taken by a woman in far north queensland, without my permission one day (in her car, in the middle of the day with people walking all over the place). It was not a pleasant experience, it was weird and she was way too dominating. I have not really explored it further, apart from a brief fling with an american woman and a french man, about 6 years ago...but there was no actual sex.

I have no relationship at the moment, but it never hindered my past relationships. One boyfriend even wanted to find another woman for us to explore with, but I was not up for it. Another man I was in a relationship with after I was sexually assaulted, it was never raised, and I was not in the space to go there anyway at the time, being pretty traumatized and full of anguish.

I think I realized this before I was diagnosed with PTSD so I'm not sure it had anything to do with this disorder, but I'm not sure really, as I was traumatized for a lot of years before I was diagnosed officially, so...?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I wasn't expecting when I woke up this morning I would have 7 replies. What a awful lot to think about!

Think of this too, you have order books behind his back!

We talked about the books and I asked him if I could order the books myself. He told me to "do whatever I wanted". Probably not the best thing you want to hear but it's not a secret anymore.

Until he is comfortable with you perusing information, should you question how far you should go?

I am a bit confused with the "how far you should go". It is implying a negative aspect to the whole thing and I don't see why there would be. Him being uneasy maybe but I don't understand the negativity.

Do you think you would be giving up anything by delaying it until your husband understood it more?

This is a good point. :) I am a learning a lot from this thread about what his feelings may be. I need to talk about this with my therapist more.

I guess since you are married and have no intention of acting on your attraction to women, this is a self acceptance thing?

. I think that is what you are doing, exploring an aspect of your self-hood.

Yes, spot on Alba. :) It's not about exploring and seeking out woman...it's about accepting. A stronger foundation.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

And one that might prove to be stronger than a marriage.

No.

I always (not only on this thread or in this discussion) get the impression that you are very secure or strong or something within yourself. You approach the world with a kind of certainty.

Thank you. That means a lot too hear that. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

He's attracted to women too, he's not going to cheat because of that.

I think Core has a very good point here.

 

[Pencil]

He's attracted to women too, he's not going to cheat because of that.

I just love the logic of that!

 

[Hashi]

I am heterosexual, female, and from that viewpoint I would say that it isn't immediately obvious to me what you are exploring by getting the books if you're not intending to take any action. If I was your partner, I think that would be very much what I was wondering. Do you think you've been able to convey clearly to your husband what this means to you, not just say what it doesn't mean?

I wonder if, because this makes sense to you, you might be expecting too much of a leap in understanding. I don't know whether your husband has thought much about this kind of thing himself - I haven't ever given it much thought, and I expect a number of heterosexuals never do. I can't relate this to my own experience (except to things which, if I was your partner, would make me feel insecure).

I am quite open to understanding your reasons, but I wouldn't be able to understand them unless you could go into that with me in a way I could relate to. (For example, I have had to think about my identity in terms of gender, race and class. It's not the same, but it gives me some sort of reference.)

It is perfectly with in your partners rights to understand their own sexuality... I would just be that much more comfortable with myself.

Lots of things are within a partner's rights that can feel threatening to the other partner.

Also, how are you able to say how it will make you feel, if you haven't done it yet?

I'm trying to think of the right way of saying this. I hope it doesn't come out wrong. You seem to be focussing on reassurances regarding how things will be after you've explored this. Without really understanding what you're hoping to get from reading the books, though, I would be thinking: 1) You're unsatisfied with something now, or you wouldn't need to read them, and 2) Reading about something I can't give you will make things worse.

When I took a job abroad, several people thought I'd stay there forever and never come back. Simply saying to them, "No, I won't stay there very long" did nothing to change their minds about this. They dismissed this because I hadn't lived there yet, so how could I know if I'd want to stay? What was more convincing was to tell them specifically what I hoped to get from going - get my language skills to a certain standard, add a certain type of work experience to my CV, find out what it was like to live in a different country so I could understand the experience of people coming to live in my own country, etc.

It was obvious to me that those were my reasons, but not to other people. It was also obvious to me that they would be met by 2 or 3 years in the country and I'd be very unlikely to stay beyond that time if these were my only reasons for going. Several people had been projecting their own ideas onto me and assuming I wanted to get away from things I didn't like about the UK. They wouldn't have understood my reasons or been reassured if I hadn't explained more fully.

 

[Hashi]

He's attracted to women too, he's not going to cheat because of that.

Yes... and he's in a relationship with a woman so he can fulfil his attraction to women without needing to cheat. I'm not saying, Ayesha, that you would cheat on him! Just that I can only imagine what might be going through his mind.