Blondie362
Silver Member
I haven't been around lately as I have been struggling, I know I should have got on the forum but couldn't even bring myself to post what has happened ... yet again.
In previous posts I told of how I was married to a very dangerous abusive husband who went to prison after he tried to kill me, only to meet up with him face to face with him in my therapy clinic for which he was attending for therapy too!!- so I had to move clinics.
Well its happened again,.. I live in a constant state of alert of ever seeing the man that sexually abused me when I was young, I was out shopping with my OH a couple of weeks ago and a man who I "thought" was him walked up so close to me, from the corner of my eye I thought OMG its him !!.. even my OH thought it was him, and I went into melt down- it wasn't him this time but it was enough to set off the panic and I had to get out of the shop really quickly as I thought I was going to be sick and I had a panic attack in the car.
A week later I went to another store to try and face my fear and be rational and yes the million to one chance happened - the man that abused me actually walked into the store, only this time I was alone.
I thought if I tried my own exercise of facing a fear and just going to a remote store on my own it may help, I can't tell you what this has done to me, the therapists talk of "what ifs and chances" of me being back in a real life a PTSD moment from the past are unlikely ( even though I am hypervigilent and dissociate because of the past), I am now very much having to deal with people who have done me untold damage mentally physically and sexually actually being in my face , so the vicious circle has begun- yet again.
I have had to call the crisis team a couple of times as I feel that my head is going to explode with all the emotions I can't deal with aswell as the pain of Fibro and other physical conditions I suffer with.
I yearn for the day I feel at peace - but know its not going to come :( my threats to my safety are very real and because they are here in the present, I can't deal with the past because of it.
Because of recent events my T said CBT may not be for me, as I am constantly having to deal with new issues every time I go for my sessions, and I'm not moving forward only holding onto the fear & anger of these people being out there- which I have now met up with, if I had a gun at that point I would have shot them.
There has been talk of going down the art therapy route, to use imagery instead of verbal therapy, but then apart of me thinks if I don't talk to somebody about how I am feeling I am going to go into a tail spin and not see the next day, as the mental pain becomes too much to carry on, I am aware of when I am going into the black cloud moments so call the crisis team, my only worry is if I don't see it coming and just think I can;t go on living as a prisoner in my own head, home and now outside, my agoraphobia is now horrendous, not just because of the past but because of the people out there that would like to settle some scores.
I hope I can get some prospective from you guys, as each day is becoming harder to deal with, and I fear how much longer I can sustain this relentless emotional train wreck.
Kate.
In previous posts I told of how I was married to a very dangerous abusive husband who went to prison after he tried to kill me, only to meet up with him face to face with him in my therapy clinic for which he was attending for therapy too!!- so I had to move clinics.
Well its happened again,.. I live in a constant state of alert of ever seeing the man that sexually abused me when I was young, I was out shopping with my OH a couple of weeks ago and a man who I "thought" was him walked up so close to me, from the corner of my eye I thought OMG its him !!.. even my OH thought it was him, and I went into melt down- it wasn't him this time but it was enough to set off the panic and I had to get out of the shop really quickly as I thought I was going to be sick and I had a panic attack in the car.
A week later I went to another store to try and face my fear and be rational and yes the million to one chance happened - the man that abused me actually walked into the store, only this time I was alone.
I thought if I tried my own exercise of facing a fear and just going to a remote store on my own it may help, I can't tell you what this has done to me, the therapists talk of "what ifs and chances" of me being back in a real life a PTSD moment from the past are unlikely ( even though I am hypervigilent and dissociate because of the past), I am now very much having to deal with people who have done me untold damage mentally physically and sexually actually being in my face , so the vicious circle has begun- yet again.
I have had to call the crisis team a couple of times as I feel that my head is going to explode with all the emotions I can't deal with aswell as the pain of Fibro and other physical conditions I suffer with.
I yearn for the day I feel at peace - but know its not going to come :( my threats to my safety are very real and because they are here in the present, I can't deal with the past because of it.
Because of recent events my T said CBT may not be for me, as I am constantly having to deal with new issues every time I go for my sessions, and I'm not moving forward only holding onto the fear & anger of these people being out there- which I have now met up with, if I had a gun at that point I would have shot them.
There has been talk of going down the art therapy route, to use imagery instead of verbal therapy, but then apart of me thinks if I don't talk to somebody about how I am feeling I am going to go into a tail spin and not see the next day, as the mental pain becomes too much to carry on, I am aware of when I am going into the black cloud moments so call the crisis team, my only worry is if I don't see it coming and just think I can;t go on living as a prisoner in my own head, home and now outside, my agoraphobia is now horrendous, not just because of the past but because of the people out there that would like to settle some scores.
I hope I can get some prospective from you guys, as each day is becoming harder to deal with, and I fear how much longer I can sustain this relentless emotional train wreck.
Kate.
