Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
I feel like I’m a little girl, knowing my grandfather is visiting and just waiting for him to sneak into my room to assault me. There’s no escape. That’s what I’m paralyzed by.
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
Feeling better today. I thought yesterday was going to be overwhelming. First of all, I haven’t been sleeping well and just generally worn out from my f*cked up nemesis. I had to work in the morning then try to rest a little before a friend and I drove to a fantastic Xmas light display at the Coastal Maine Botanical Gardens. It was an hour and a half drive, had to arrive at 4:00. We spent about an hour and a half walking through the place. It was not too cold and the display was just stunning, plus we had hot chocolate. After that we went for dinner at a tavern for a Maine experience. It did not disappoint. Fire in the fireplace, small and quirky, great food. Then back home by 9:30. It really energized me. The fresh air, a full moon, a good friend. We talked about AA at dinner. She needs to get sober, but she was raised by a charismatic minister in DC who had a tv show. She therefore hates religion because he was an adulterer and she kind of hates him. I just told her some of my observations of my journey with AA. I was able to quit drinking without ever telling my child abuse story. Then she asked me why I dont tell my story. Well, I kind of tell it here, but the rapes, no I don’t go there. I’m completely split from that girl. All I know is that I am a poster child for CSA. I’ve got every disorder that is associated with child sexual abuse. I was a shoplifter in Junior High, cut myself a lot, got addicted to speed, then alcohol. Anxiety and fear ruled my life. I have come so far since those days. I never lived up to my potential.

At any rate, yesterday turned out to be a lovely day. I didn’t work today and the dogs let me sleep all night until 7:30. Sweet!! I felt so rested. Today I did so many errands, cleaned my car, decluttered my bedside table, gave Rosie a bath, cleaned the kitchen, had a nap, took the dogs to the beach for a long walk. They ate dinner and have been passed out since. Rosie is off her food. I mixed some pumpkin in with her food tonight and she ate half. I think she must be teething. I’ll call my Vet tomorrow to see if I can sprinkle some of Annie’s probiotics on her food. It’s formulated to enhance the desire to eat. Did you know that the GI tract of a dog is 80% of their immune system? That amazed me.

So I’ve read a bit about cyber bullying in adult populations. I certainly feel validated by what I read and I am going to get a lawyer to help me stake a zone of privacy around my unit. We’ll have to get a judge to grant a protection order. Meanwhile (and this is mean) I’ve been parking my car front in and far away from the house. I’m going to have that be my parking space. Lady Trump likes to crowd me in if I’m parked close to the house. That’s about all I do to annoy her. Gotta take the high road and just gather evidence. I have no stamina for stupid, and you never know what a crazy person will do next.

Going to New Hampshire tommorow to spend time with my son a daughter in law. He has huge dogs and I have little dogs. My dogs rule the house!!! We’re going to relax and just eat appetizers. I made a spinach artichoke casserole from which I stole to eat for dinner. On xmas, I’ll clean my bathroom and kitchen, hopefully walk the dogs, the fresh air is so great. When I’ve been in a projected depression, I’m a slug. Then go to a movie and pizza or maybe not pizza but I’ll order one anyway to take home. This place by the cinema has the best pizza. For now it’s bedtime.
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
Pix of the light display
 

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ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Happy to hear you got away from it all for awhile. Seems that is just what you needed.

Also glad to hear you are getting a lawyer and making a stand. It is amazing to me what we can withstand until we have reached our limit.

I am also an AA'r, and understand your friends reluctance about AA. So many people have problems with the 'God thing'. But I just look at it like there are many ways to get sober today. If a person wants that new life, they will find a way.

I haven't been to meetings in many years, but will be forever grateful AA was there when I needed it. It made sense, it was simple if not easy, and had a lot of support. I leaned toward NA more after my first year clean, but the principles were the same, I just identified with the members more in NA. So, we are both sober and had a wonderful foundation to start this other journey.

Enjoy yourself!! Nature and fresh air is so good for the soul, and then in turn helps the mind. Wishing you a safe trip to your family, and take good care of yourself.. and really happy to hear you have 'no stamina for stupid'!!! Tender hugs if you accept.
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
Good to know you’re “a friend of Bills” @ladee I haven’t been to a meeting for years either, but while I was trying to get myself right about the bullying I heard my mind say “name it, claim it, dump it”. The reason that phrase sticks with me is that I have so much difficulty naming feelings, little awareness of a “gut feeling”, in fact I participate without awareness most of the time. This is the focus of my therapy these days. Trauma made me numb, wine made me number!!
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
Quietest Christmas ever.,not that I’m complaining. My nemesis moved my dog gate again and has now encroached the space under my window. She put her useless chair that she moves to my window so she can spy on me. Plus she’s collected 3 5 gallon buckets that she put on my porch. I’m sure she filled one of them with beach sand. The board forbade her to use it on the front stairs. Well, I guess if we’re pretending the space is common, there’s no reason I can’t put the sand back to the beach.
What’s the penalty for staring in my window? And now the Prez of the Association won’t go to a lawyer til the end of January. I’m getting my own lawyer. I want to sue the guy who sold me my unit. I was only given about 10 pages of the Association documents which would have explained that the porch is limited common area. I never would have bought the place if I knew other unit owners can use it. They told me my unit wasmore valuable because I had a porch. And the document I was given did not have the rendering of the porch. What really pisses me off is that the psycho has her own private deck attached to her unit. So selfish. No one stands up against her. They ignore her. I now have no privacy. Why do I run into these crazy people my whole life.
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE PTSD WHEN:
You have no awareness of being bullied for four years
You don’t think there is a way out
You are hopeless
You overmedicate just because...its relief.
Your chakras are always shut down
You sleep all day and watch tv all night when all the scary shows are on
You want to buy a gun and learn how to use it ( too expensive)
You’re too unstable to actually own a gun. You would not pass the mental capacity test to buy one...so you have no good defense.
You isolate
Just keep adding all the wonderful attributes of having ptsd maybe tomorrow you’ll wake up and want to be alive but don’t count on anything
You can’t handle the fact that your t has a well deserved vacation for 3 weeks and you need him, 2 more weeks on my own and counting
Everything is a mindf*ck
You have to get to Boston to see your specialist and you can’t drive because everything is going too fast so maybe you’ll take the train
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
Had a phone conference with the lawyer. He assured me that the porch attached to my unit boundaries is for my exclusive use. I have to drive to Portland to give him everything that is on file at the Registry of Deeds. He’ll go through it and fix what doesn’t satisfy current condominium laws. Then it will just take time for him to get to it. It will be so satisfying to present her with the law. I just got back from the police station. Useless. He wants me to get a restraining order so a judge decides what she can or can’t do. That’s if she refuses to remove all the crap she’s piled up right in front of my windows. And knowing her, I’ll probably have to go to those lengths. However, I don’t feel trapped and hopeless now, and if it takes all winter to finally get her out of my space, that’s ok too. I don’t have any use of being out there anyway. I was disappointed to learn that if she encroaches on my space I can’t get help from the police. I’d have to file a civil suit and let a judge decide. I slept well last night. Even the dogs slept til 8:00. I’d be thrilled if my sleep improves. Oh, yeah, the cop wanted nothing to do about the cyber bullying. Seriously, what can teenagers do to get free from online bullying? It should be a crime, but I guess Maine doesn’t have any cyber bully laws. Not surprising, considering our outgoing Governer. He never worked for children’s rights. He slashed so much money from Health and Human Services, there just weren’t enough child protection agents. A toddler and an older child died from child abuse and he never even gave a statement about it.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
What a crappy Governor.!!

So glad you got a lawyer, and that you will be patient about this whole thing. Why not, at this point of it going on for years.. and she won't have a clue you are having something done legally.

There has to be organizations out there that support and can help guide you with cyber bullying.. regardless of what your state laws are. If nothing else, it will let you know where you are with all of this.

And saving the restraining order till a last ditch effort, is time on your side... You do sound calmer and not so powerless about this situation. I know how a neighbor situation can drive you to insanity. And mine was only for a week!! So kudos to you for not doing something you would have regret.

Never underestimate your patience and endurance again. But would suggest researching cyberbullying help... And hey, you might be the one to get that law on the books.. sometimes we have to make a lot of noise to get something changed.

Glad you are sleeping better. Just knowing you are doing something about her helps your mind and soul... and they call US the crazy ones... Nope, the crazies run the world apparently and all we can do is hold on and hope to not get sucked into the vortex....

Proud of you for getting a lawyer and doing the footwork to get yourself some peace...

Hope you have a better new year!!!!
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
I am very sad. There is a weird page in the condo docs that assigns square feet of common space to each unit. So this means that the bitch is entitled to a certain amount of space on the porch. In 35 years all the people that have lived there have treated the porch as exclusive use. It’s not fair. She has a private deck with her unit, she’s only after my space, so everyone but me gets privacy. The lawyer has never seen this sort of thing and he told me not to lose hope, but I still feel like my whole life has been the shit luck. So much trauma, abuse, bullying. Nothing ever goes my way and I’m a kind, loving person. I have been raped and strangled and drugged and kidnapped and poisoned. All I want is a private place outside where I can read or play my guitar and hang out with my dogs. I’m just sad.

One of my clients who is now a friend is encouraging me to seek a protection from harassment order that is permanent. I need three examples of harassment. I have a million. I’d have to go to a court full of people wanting orders and a judge decides. I am a literate person, I know I can maintain a hearing and stay in topic and also stay calm. I’m going tomorrow to get the paperwork. If I can get an order that forbids her to be within a certain amount of space around the perimeter of my unit, then my porch would be mine. Not only does this save me money, but it takes all her power away and it goes on her police record for life. So when she needs to get subsidized housing and they see that on her background check, she could be denied. She deserves to be punished. Plus I’d never have to worry about the condo rules, she’d have to stay however far away as the judge orders. I better get my hair colored soon. Right now it’s blue. I’d better get on that. I’ll get the paperwork tomorrow and fill it in. Then my lawyer friend can proofread it and tweak it if needed. It feels mean to put a bad mark on her record but she’s earned it ten times over.
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
I think I’ll get my left tragus pierced it’s going to be snowning here tomorrow. And I could take the dogs on a river walk.
 
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