Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

But I’m not hungry and I’m tired, maybe tomorrow. I think I need help from a dietician because I just don’t feel hunger.
Eating, for me, is an intellectual process as well. So important though. I have eased the stress of eating by planning ahead as well and remembering that I am opening myself up to crashing if I don't keep my body fed. Now, drinking water - still working on that one. Anyway, just wanted to say that I get what you are saying about not feeling hunger. It's no fun.

Sending all my love to you and your puppy. With you in spirit.
I haven’t done any of my bookkeeping for my business this entire year. I think I just got sick of chasing down deductions, and also Karen died and I’ve just lately getting long overdue things done. So I have this rainy day, perfect weather for boring accounting. But I also want to paint an accent wall in my living room. Plus I want to plant two more pots with semi-shade plants because the plants are 40% off. I can’t decide.
The stress is building up again. Waking up at 3:00 and tossing and turning. My anxiety is high, due I guess to the financial blow of my accident. Finally have my car back. It will take a few months to get current on my bills. That’s the main stress. Right there. I can’t possibly work more hours than I do or I’ll start making mistakes that leave me feeling like a failure. Black and white thinking again. Not helpful. It’s raining. That’s good. We need the rain. Still need to eat something nourishing. I know I’d feel better if I could eat. I got my first Sun Basket meals. Organic but the veggies are very old and I don’t think I can swallow anything so old. Plus, marinara sauce was packed in a plastic screw top container which unscrewed and it all spilled out. I don’t think this meal delivery system is going to work for me. Been eating rice. And oatmeal. And bananas. It’s a start. Work on that.
I’ve been on a wild ride since Labor Day. I got a new puppy in September. She’s a hot shit and super smart. Meanwhile Annie has been sick sinceemorial Day. So she’s been on prednisone for 6 years. Now it’s been killing her bit by bit. Memorial Day she passed out a few times. She has cardiomyopathy. Medicine for that. Then she grows crystals in her bladder that cause a lot of pain and they lacerate the bladder wall and then it’s infected. That whole treatment was about a month ago. Now she has chronic diarreah. Liquid stools So sick nothing helps The Vet said all of her problems are due to the prednisone attacking her chemistry. I am going broke from Vet bills. I am so tired being a nursemaid every f*cking day.
Meanwhile I am embroiled ina dispute from the witch that lives above me. She has a private deck and now she wants to use my porch. She’s been gasslighting me for several years and she’s always causing trouble for the condo board members. She’s been ranting via text messages, sending the board members a floor plan of the downstairs units that someone drew an arrow across the length of the porch and the words common space. The law says that when a porch is attached to a unit, that unit has exclusive use of that porch. She’s gone to the tax office to snoop on the other units owner and sends us random threats in envelopes with bogus return addresses. She’s crazy. We have not responded at all to her campaign to take use of my porch. We’ll be meeting with a lawyer in January to get that ironed out. I have a gate to keep my dogs from taking off and she keeps taking it down and putting her belongings on my porch. She’s living somewhere else right now since she went ballistic in September. I’ve really been struggling with the lack of privacy and safety for my dogs. But for now, she’s blocked from texting all the board members and she can’t email anyone.
I am trying to cope with an abusive neighbor who cyber bullies me. I blocked her from my phone number so I don’t get text rants anymore, and I told her not to email me unless it is an Association issue. She complied for a couple of months and yesterday she sent at least 10 emails blasting me. I am so f*cked up about what to do about her. The President of the Association is going to go with me to the condos lawyer to see what can be done to stop her harrassment. Another lawyer told me to file for a protection from harrassment order but I fear that will escalate the situation. When I bought my condo she was the President and the condo documents that I was given before the sale were incomplete. For 3 years she has been spiteful hateful derelict in her duties all of which have caused great pain and suffering. I am the target of her twisted mind. Have been gaslighted, insulted, lied about, lied to. Something has to be done to shut her up. I have a porch which everyone told me is mine to do what I please and she complained that I wadnt using it. So I finally could afford to furnish it and it caused her to go ballistic. She ran down the condo Presidents truck screaming at him that I stole her space. She has a private deck off her condo, but now she wants my space too. Well she came up with a 35 year old document that showed a plan of the porch with arrows on it with the words limited common use, which means four units have use of it. No one else had ever laid eyes on this document and the President of the Association has been here for the whole time. The treasurer has been here for 25 years and never saw this document. But there it is. But condo laws have changed through the years and this association never updated the regulations and from what we have learned is that porches are the exclusive use of the unit it is attached to, in this case mine. But he won’t go to the lawyer because his work is consuming all his time. He keeps telling me to ignore her, don’t read her posts, relax, it will be taken care of. But I can’t relax. I am obsessing about it. I want privacy and I want her to stop harassing me. If I could afford a lawyer I would have sued her a long time ago. If I wait and let the association pay for it then it will finally get done. But the waiting is killing me. She is so evil. Well, now she is harassing him and he’s suffering too but he just doesn’t have time to come up from Massachusetts where his full time house is. I live in a beach town and the bitch and I are the only full time residents here. Yes I am stuck here with just her. My puppy wakes up at 2-3 am to pee and she spends time barking before she can fall back to sleep. Part of me just wants to let her bark on and on knowing it will bother said bitch. I contain her and she falls back to sleep. My t is going on vacation for 2 weeks I don’t know how to settle myself. I wish I could ignore her, but I can’t. I hope and pray the lawyer will tell us the document is no longer legal and will draw up a new set of rules based on existing law. The waiting is what I can’t stand. I can’t get it out of my mind. And of course she thinks I’m behind the whole thing which makes her twice as abusive. If I have to get a protection order I will, but I prefer a permanent solution which is the regulations.
I want drugs. I want a new brain. Imperseverate and everybody knows it. It’s PTSD. That train comes bearing down on me and it’s going to run me over. I can do identify with teenagers that commit suicide due to cyber bullying. Ugh. I have a busy week at work. Usually that gets my head in a better place.
I'm sure you have been told this, but get the restraining order at least you have proof of the harassment.

So the guy that doesn't have 'time' is now being harassed. Wanna bet he can't ignore it . You have shared about this crazy woman before. You have a lot more stamina for stupid than I do!!!

I am so sorry that you do not have a moments peace in your own home!! The one damned place we should at least be able to feel safe.

While your T is gone, use us. None of us can afford a vacation, so we'll keep the light on for ya!!
Ya, I'm not very tolerant when it comes to things like this. Wish I could send you some of my 'arrogance', cause that's what it feels like sometimes.. but that woman would have found someone else to bully by now.

You are doing the right things for the right reasons. So be very proud of that!!! I'm sure by now, if you were doing it like me, you would be in trouble somehow..

So please keep us updated. People need to know how to deal with cyberbullying.. unlike the way I would... lol.. :hug:'s
@ladee I fantasize about bringing her down by the courts, the police. I fantasize about retribution for when she refused to have the mold removed from my ceiling that happened after the roof failed. She lied to the other board members about how extensive the mold was. I am highly reactive to mold and she needs to pay the piper for that. That winter she was away and our sewer drain froze. It was 15 below zero out and she wouldn’t answer the phone when I called. I had no water or toilet and had to pee in the woods. So I have no guilt about ghosting her. Karmas a bitch.
Sounds like you have all of this documented which is going to help. At least legally. I hated to read in your diary how you are having so much trouble getting grounded. But I feel this is very normal under the circumstances. And it's not like it only started a day or two ago.

And when you had no toilet, because she would not answer the phone, I do believe that, and the mold would have been deal breakers.

It's hard to conquer our own crazy, much less someone else's. And what really is absurd, is no one stepped up about this woman. Until now, when they are being harassed. So many things about life just do not make sense to me.

This only helps to justify my absolute no respect for 'authority'. Has any of this been triggering for you as far as what you trauma is about? I feel 'triggered', just reading about it. Not in an over the top way, just how wrong it is that people get away with the things they do.

I do respect how you have maintained and handled yourself, but am very sorry for the consequences you have had to pay because of her. And yes, the waiting. Hopefully this new year will bring peace for you about this woman and you can relax in your own home.

Sending you some sparkly energy to lighten your load. Really hope you can get grounded again, as this woman has no rights to your power. But seems this is the ones we give it away to.

As I said, please keep us updated. Thinking of you. :hug:'s
I can’t get her evil out of my mind. Just waiting for the next assault. I know now why teenagers commit suicide due to cyber bullying. It is insidious, unpredictable, soul sucking. And @ladee you’re right about why no one has supported me. They just want me to ignore her. Well, they aren’t being harassed. If you’re make, she is slutty, if you have a male partner, she doesn’t go after you. If my credit wasn’t so bad, I’d move. Maybe it’s time to retire to the south. And yes, her rants are incredibly triggering of memories of abuse. No safety. This is such an infringement on my right to privacy and to live my life in peace and safety. I really have to wait to see if anything can be done to the condo rules and the President of the Association can’t get to Maine until January. He’s motivated to action because she started harassing him during the time that she wasn’t emailing me. But he would forward her emails to me, so I wasn’t free of her influence. Such a waste of time. She has no interest in having a rational discussion about things. She just likes to attack me from the bowels of her computer/phone. None of my friends can understand that the issue is not what she is entitled too, it’s the betrayal of trust and the systematic erosion of my quality of life. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so I don’t see any resolution in sight. I feel like acid is flowing through my veins. And I won’t see my t for 3 weeks. I don’t know how to go on.