Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

Hi Karen. I bought what I thought was fantastic potting soil called The Coast of Maine. Organic, people rave about it. So I turned the kitchen into a greenhouse, got some plastic boxes and ordered a ton of bulbs. So the next thing I know is I’m sick at home but better at work. It’s happenedfor 2 weeks interupted by the wedding which was glorious fresh air. I was full of mucous in my lungs throat and sinuses but went to work anyway. First client said what is wrong with you. I told her I know something in my house is making me sick. I think it might be soul I have in my kitchen. What brand is it she said. I told her and she said her grandfather sold soul and The Coast of Maine makes people sick if they are allergic to shellfish. Shit, I am so allergic to shellfish WTF?? It’s made with a lot of seaweed and crushed shellfish. I came home and gave away all the plants. Washed all my bedding, gave Annie a bath, washed the kitchen. So far so good. So I notice my butcher block table had the impression of the boxes and the grow light must’ve tanned the wood so now I have to keep the light on to even out the tones of the wood. Big fat failure. Well it wasn’t a complete failure. The woman I gave the bulbs to gave me 2 Korean lilac bushes. Sweet. I’ll plant them at the office. Getting blue salvia, snapdragons, osteospermum for a cut flower patch and a leucothe for the shade spot where nothing grows.
Your sister emailed me the photo of us at Squam Lake. She must be going through your computer. All the videos you made of your kiddos. She also emailed me photos of your house-empty-every f*cking room. I wonder if they still have any of your ashes. Did you know you can have ashes tattooed into your skin? I’m going to ask her if there are any left. They put you in the ocean. I’ll be at the Shamans on Tuesday night if you can pop in that would help.
My Shaman gave me this writing about attachment vs Connection. She’s trying to help me stop torturing myself in regards to my daughter. I’m still licking my wounds left by her actions at the wedding. Here it is:

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This is in line with what Buddhism promotes. Sounds like a groovy place to be, but I’m still confused how to stop my thoughts and feelings. I do know that if I get a phone call from my daughter, I do connect. I let all the hurt feelings go, but they always creep back in, like I’m holding a grudge. If I could just see her as a fully formed human who has taken good care of herself, who is fearless, who is happy and stop this wishful thinking that she would want to spend time with me, I know my mood would improve.
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Annie’s heart and the major vessels that connect to it have been damaged due to her needing prednisone daily to stay alive. She’s been taking it for 5 years. Her heart is enlarged and barely beating and her aorta is so thin you can see right through it. There’s just not much blood getting to her organs. It will never get better. It’s the time of the beginning of the end. I am going to let nature take its course.
My stress cup runners over. It is so hot out. I took Annie for a short walk yesterday and she collapsed. This morning I am trying to get the air conditioner in the window but I’m not strong enough. I texted my son for help and he said I should’ve thought of it when it wasn’t a heat wave. Translation: I hate you and your dog. I don’t care about you. It’s the hardest part of my life, how much my children hate me. I have no idea what to do. I need to get this air conditioner in and then go to work. Meanwhile Annie is just too hot and I’m afraid she’s going to have heatstroke. I’m all alone. It’s so hard to feel rejected by the world. Maybe not so much for having PTSD, but for my chemical sensitivities. Is this feeling of acid coursing through my veins anxiety or a chemical reaction. I’m pretty sure it’s emotional. I just want to go to work then come home and sleep. All I do is sleep. I live 2 blocks from the beach but I don’t go. I don’t want all the people around me it’s overstimulating. I wish someone would help me with the air conditioner but I don’t have any friends.
I’m trying to watch a Tara Brach talk but I can’t concentrate on what she’s saying.
I got into an accident last Sunday. It’s costing me so much money because it’s going to be a month to get my car back and the rental is over a thousand dollars. That means I don’t pay my bills this month. I work my fingers to the bone and all I get is honey fingers
Emailed my son two different articles on the damage binge drinking causes. One focused on just the brain, the other was about liver, heart and kidneys. His brain is becoming terrifying. He played defense in football all the way through college. His teams won every year. He was a linebacker and a defensive end. He was fast for his size and could get to the QB quick. He sacked a lot of QB’s. So I’m pretty sure he has a TBI in addition to his alcoholism. Sometimes after a game he’d come home just stupid. He didn’t know how to turn on the shower or he’d wear underwear instead of flannel pants to sleep in. He talked in a funny backwoods kind of talk. I’d call his coach: hey Eric took a bad hit and now he’s acting stupid. Does he have a concussion? Nah, he’ll snap out of it. Yeah we’ll have that trauma over years, there is definitely brain injury that can’t be repaired. So he should not be drinking so often and so much. So he is pissed off at me for bringing up the subject for the umptenth time. He’ll be needing a new liver soon if he doesn’t sober up. He’s that dangerous man next door. Hard worker, pride of ownership, cracks open a beer and then pounds them down as fast as he can. And he has a bad temper and he owns many guns. The very deadly ones that are used in all these school shootings. I had to try something with him. Daughter and my ex want to do an intervention, but we never do it. Cuz daughter and father enable him. I told him months ago he can’t stay with me anymore.
@KwanYingirl , I so wish I did not understand what you are going thru right now with your boys.

I am going to reply tomorrow when I can think more clearly as have some things to take care of tomorrow... but I'll be back.. because I feel I never would have gotten thru my stuff without the people here. But want to give you my full attention...

I am sorry, it hurts and the level of worry has no name. Thinking of you... will respond very soon... sending mama heart hugs... :hug::hug:
@KwanYingirl ,Sorry it has taken me so long to get back with you. Had to get some physical pain under control or it would have read like a third grader had replied to you.

I understand about having an alcoholic son.. and you have two... I have nothing but pure empathy and lots of energy to send you.

I can only share some of my story here,as not going to hijack your diary... but no matter what I said, no matter what I did, no matter my intentions, nothing worked with my son. He has alcohol related seizures. One that caused him to have a bad wreck and it was life changing for him.. He is crippled now. But many things could have been done differently, and he chose not to do them...

It took me forever, and a ton of heartache to 'let go'... it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life... I didn't know if I was going to make it thru... I am a recovering alcoholic, with 33 years clean, and STILL thought I could get him to listen... alcoholism is it's own disease. And throw in our PTSD, and it's just a combo for frustration and pain for all involved.

I KNEW I had to let go, but it wasn't over till it was over. I went no contact with him and last I heard he was homeless in the Houston area. His choice. Was that easy for me to do... hell no... I still have times where I can 'feel' him out there and it just throws me and I miss him so much. Not the person he was at the end, but who he was before alcohol took over his life.. But I now have more times of being ok than not..

No one can tell you how to handle this. What to do, or how to feel. We are mama's first and foremost. I do want you to know I am here for you because I do understand, and like I said, I hate it for both of us... and the fact your heart has two boys doing this.. I can't begin to imagine.

I am here to listen. If you want or need suggestions, just ask, but mostly, I needed someone to listen. Not try to fix it.. but just hear my pain and confusion and drive to save him from himself.... And I sure didn't need to hear what a great mom I am... because I wasn't when he needed me most... but I can tell you a lot of healing and self forgiveness has also happened with this no contact... being able to see things from his point of view, with out having to hear all the blame and shame coming at me from him... I can own it now...

I was just sick at the beginning , when I would remember things and events... and I grieved. A LOT.. times we will never get back. But I can't save him. I can be here for him if he ever decides to get his life together.. but it will be a different mom this time around. Not one that thinks she can fix anything of his, and a mom that has worked on self forgiveness and healing.

All I can do is offer a listening and understand heart... and I am so very very sorry for you and the boys.. so much pain involved for everyone.. I will also understand if you don't want to reach out right now... as long as I'm here on the forum, which I don't plan on going anywhere, I will be here to listen.. It is just very important to me to let you know, I hear you, I understand, and you are not alone..

This one is a real bitch... and one we can't fix. Sending you lots of love, understanding, courage and strength to do what you have to do.. there is no time limit... but you will just know when it's time to let go, regardless of how much it hurts... :inlove::inlove::inlove::hug::hug::hug:
@ladee I’ve got 27 years of sobriety. All my siblings are recovering alcoholics my father was a raging abusive alcoholic that got sober way after my mom kicked him out the day he raised a cast iron skillet to murder me. That didn’t matter to him. He got sober to keep his job. Now the next generation are in their 30’s I have one son and one daughter who drink and smoke weed daily. Both are high functioning substance abusers. Their father who is my ex has them on his side because he’s an active alcoholic and needs drinking buddies.
My son started his drinking at age 15 and his life has been filled with violence, denial, increasingly abusive towards the 3 women in the world that love him: me, my daughter and my daughter in law. They argue with him constantly.
I find myself wondering if I will test a match if he needed a liver transplant to live. Like what if I’m a perfect match and refuse to lose some of my liver if he’s not sober.
His rants and rages are triggers for me and so I’m not allowing him in my home. I don’t feel like investing any of my energies on him and his nasty persona. I’ve had way too much of abusive alcoholics. Enough is enough.
Thanks for your support and honesty. You’re welcome to respond to my diary entries.
Then you already know. Times 10 and I am so sorry now your kids are following this horrible road... Congratulations on your sobriety... hard won, I know,as mine is also..

Just know that I am here to listen... you already know the ins and outs, the hurt and the anger. But one mama heart to another, well, that's a different conversation... here for you... :hug::hug::hug::hug:@KwanYingirl :hug::hug::hug::hug:
@ladee heartbreaking for sure. But, am I the one that is breaking my own heart? I try to be a positive role model for my kids, but they are drifting farther and farther away. So far that I barely recognize them. And as you know, it’s hard not to romanticize the past. The fun adventures we had until they discovered alcohol. It’s a train wreck. My daughter is coming up for a half day next week. I expect that she will be distant and critical. My PTSD is a major source of her discontent with me. I’m too reactive to chemicals. I must be the only mother that ended up in tears at her kids weddings because of their intoxication and lashing out at me. I am so close to cut her out after the shit she pulled against me at her wedding. I was humiliated. They just hate me. I represent the polar opposite of the party life they lead. I just hope they don’t breed. Their DNA is crap.
I get it... I am the cause for every single problem my son has ever had,or will have in the future... NOT....

I know that is what kept me hooked into all the drama for so long... making it right... but us getting our lives together, quitting drinking, trying to heal our own past... well, it's not enough. Never will be...because, just like us, they have to heal their own wounds. Just like us knowing we had to get sober for us, so is the PTSD healing.. for us... I feel we both thought our kids would see these new moms, get help for themselves, and we all live happily ever after... didn't happen, and have no way to read the future for my kid or yours...

I just know, that as hard as it was to go no contact, and the things he said to me, that I understand and see differently now, was all I could take of being under his microscope...I was just reenacting my own shame and guilt, over and over again... and nothing changes until something changes....

I love my son... and I did damage. But I have also paid my dues. And paid with my own heartache and guilt... but just as I would no longer allow an abuser from my past, go on and on with the head games and guilt trips, and the outbursts, the worry, all of it,, nope.... I realized, without him knowing it... I was allowing him to abuse me all over again...

It's a damned slippery slope this . Us being alcoholics and having PTSD... and having kids that resent the fact we are on the planet, yet we persevere, continue to try and heal our own hurts, and have a decent life... they will have to make that choice for them selves one day, or not... It's not like we both haven't shown them there is a way out... now it's up to my son...

It's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever let go doesn't mean we don't love them, it means we let go of the end result... for them. They have to find their own way...

I made many emotional no contacts. They never worked. I would always allow him back into my life. and things would be ok for awhile, until , well, we just started dancing the same dance... it just takes a lot of time to figure our what is going on. And how far we are going to let it go.. it's different for each of us.

All I can do is pray for him. Love him. And let him walk where he needs to walk... if something happens to him, I will blame myself, for a long time.. but I will eventually get to a point where I understand, my abusers did not have the power to kill me, and I don't have the power to kill my son.

I will suggest Googling, ' going Grey rock', it's a way to listen to our kids without all the emotions tied up in it... but in my case, it also helped me to let go... but took a long long time to get there...

I've tried to imagine some of my abusers doing what we do... would it change how I feel about them.. maybe, because I have done a lot of healing work... but would I have a relationship with them... I can't honestly answer that question..

It's a lot of work... because even when we don't let them run all over us.. we still worry and wonder..but I have learned to respect his choice of the life he is living.. or more, respect his right to live that life.. I don't want to know he is living on the street... but nothing I can do...

I'm hear to listen.. and to share some things I did and still do... but there are times I miss him so bad..I just want to hug him... and that is about me.. more than it's about him... but would not allow him around me if he had not began the journey of his own healing. I do believe I could listen to him now, and not get defensive.. again, it's the grey rock... but I don't really know...

Just know that a lot of things surface that because we didn't know any better, we hurt our kids... just as others hurt us.. but it still does not make it ok for them to abuse us...

Here for you, and yes, we break our own heart by holding on .... half of this is up to our kids too... us changing has not changed them. It's only pissed them off that we aren't convenient targets any longer.. sad, all the way around...

Sending you mama heart hugs... and listening..:hug::hug::hug::hug: