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Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

I got the application for subsidized housing and they will verify my income which might spell disaster for me. My credit score is low and I’m deeply in debt just charging so much. The good news is that Social Security will allow me to make $1980/month and keep my benefit. But they ask (demand) my bank accounts and things don’t really hold up. Where I had to put in wages I put a note that my mother has been helping me financially because that’s a gift, not earned pay.
I spoke to my realtor today and he’s going to try to sell my condo eventually to someone that will rent it back to me until a subsidized unit opens up. Nobody would rent to me because I have bad credit. This is not like me. Everything fell apart last year when my office got contaminated by latex fumes that came from sterilizer bags. I couldn’t breathe in the office and by the time I found out the latex contamination, I had to throw everything out and paint the whole office and waiting room to seal off the latex. I’m able to work but only 40 hours a month because I’m self employed. I average about 28 hours a month so I am going to try to earn more. Most of what I make is just enough to cover my overhead.
I feel violated knowing the government is going to investigate me. It’s three year wait for avunit and I know I can pay off my debt by then. I always pay my mortgage so that’s good. It’s hard to be alone. My sleep is non existent lately.
The guy in the White House is making subsidized housing impossible to qualify for. There’s no compassion. For instance: if a person has been living in subsidized housing in a housing project for families, when they no longer can stay there if there’s no children living there anymore, they can’t move into a different subsidized place for older people. It’s a trap and I’m telling you, the baby boomers are going to be royally screwed. The rules are changing rapidly. The woman in admitting for the place I want to live told me to get my full application in quickly so I can be grandfathered. You can’t own a home that you can no longer afford. It’s a trap. I’ll be surprised if I even qualify, but I am disabled so I think that protects me in a way.? I understand they don’t want deadbeats. I really don’t trust HUD. And now I have a new car that I can’t explain how I can afford it. The truth is that Toyota gave me a loan that I can’t afford. It’s going to be a stressful time. Between HUD and Social Security you give up your dignity. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’ve paid taxes for 50 years. Somehow I have to come up with $1500 I promised to help my daughter with her wedding. I’m just going to have to raise my prices at work. First I need to see what my competitors charge.
 
I want to apologize deeply for not staying in touch -- not being able to connect with you (or anyone for that matter) for so long. If I had kept up, I would have realized that you were at risk for homelessness. That is scary shit, I know.

I am also sorry to hear that the USA has that whole 'double bind' thing going on when it comes to subsidized housing. You are right, we baby boomers have a massive target on our foreheads. I used to think that these were such exciting times to be living in. Now? Not so much. I think they are dangerous as all get out.

Thank you so much for your continued support of me during these very trying times. I have literally been ignoring everyone and just data dumping into my diary. Please know that I welcome you back with open arms and am very grateful to see you again. If it is alright, I will be following you along again.
 
@shimmerz No need to apologize. I have difficulty with my profile posts. I guess it gets filled up but I don’t know how to delete them. I also can’t quote people’s posts. I use my iPhone and I can’t highlight the text. I’m so technologically retarded, it’s shameful really. So, yeah, I’m living beyond my means because of that latex contamination in my office almost killed me and I didn’t work until it was decontaminated. That means, I had to throw everything in my office away that couldn’t be scrubbed clear of latex. Then every inch had to be repainted, reupholstered or tossed. Voc Rehab ignored me and I got no help so ended up maxing out credit cards to get up and running. Being back on the forum has been a lifesaver. I was so isolated and just high anxiety trying to have a life in spite of my chemical sensitivities.

It’s like reiki and massage and therapy. I need care daily because my chakras stop spinning within days of a treatment. It’s impossible for me to self care when my energy clogs up. Nothing sticks but for a few days. I did upgrade my medical insurance so I can keep seeing my therapist. I have decided not to apply for subsidized housing at the place nearby. I’m already on another waiting list and when I read the HUD rules and regulations, now get this, you can’t move from one subsidized unit to a different one. The other company will allow me 2 bedrooms and a washer/dryer to accommodate my chemical reactions. When I buy certain things, they are full of formaldehyde and I need a place for it to offgas. So I’m going to wait for that unit to come available. This other one I just found is not too interested in accommodating me. They won’t allow me a dryer and I can only get a one bedroom. Just thinking about hanging my wet laundry to dry, well, that’s not quality of life. Also, it is in a slightly remote area and I have a phobia of the woods dating back to childhood sexual assaults that took place in the woods. Also, I have to improve my credit score. The thought of the government picking through my finances is too stressful.

My brother lent me money last year when I wasn’t working. I called him today to apologize for not having paid him back, and he said I don’t need to pay him back. Then we talked about my mothers finances. It turns out my parents had overspent their money to give the appearance of wealth. My mother had told me she was going to leave me enough money to pay off my mortgage, but my brother said she never had the ability to do that. Now she’s got dementia and lives in a swanky nursing home. Somehow, she and my father presented themselves as well off by driving Cadillacs and playing golf and traveling around the world. Everything was an illusion in my family. She always was telling people my brother went to Brown University, but he flunked out twice. So phony.
Anyway, I’m glad I talked to my brother. He’s removed a challenge from me. I’d kind of like to hold on til we have a different President that isn’t trying to ruin poor peoples lives. Poor Puerto Rico. We should be sending linemen and doctors and nurses down there. Canada helps Maine out when we get ice storms almost every year. There seems to be plenty of money for corporate welfare but nothing for social welfare. It’s been that way forever. Even my son who was supporting the new man child has reversed his opinion. No surprise that Indiana has all kinds of money now that their ex govenor has his hands in thetill, but no one wants to live there. They can’t even pay for people to relocate. That’s where my parents grew up. Dumb and dumber and wickedly racist. Probably the most inhumane state in America. My uncle was a professor and always was in his local school board to make sure that poverty stricken families couldn’t afford text books. Can you believe that? Just blatant racism. I might be prejudistvbecause my abusers came from Indiana. I hated going there for obvious reasons. Every summer we piled into the shiny car to go to Indiana. I hated it. Everything about my relatives was horrible people.
Sorry good people in Indiana, I don’t mean to be so angry. I thought my parents would disown me because after high school I trained and worked at a Jewish hospital. They wouldn’t even go to my graduation. She did disown me when I got pregnant out of wedlock. Oh, dear, what will the neighbors think of that? Smoke and mirrors, phony baloney. We’d go to church all squeaky clean, then go home to a violent perverted home.
Well, of course I did drugs and shoplifted it’s what happens to victims of CSA. In hindsight, it’s a wonder that I excelled in school. But college was my ticket out of that evil house and when I moved to Boston, I put down drugs forever. Replaced that addiction with alcoholism. I’ve been hiding all my life. My therapist says my abuse was preverbal. My body holds the memories that I have no voice to speak of. My mother told me I was always hiding in closets.My father was a dangerous man and my mother idolized him. One memorable day I was just walking into the kitchen and my father picked up a cast iron skillet and was about to smack me in the head when my sister jumped on his back and wrapped her arm around his throat. No wonder why I’m so hyper vigilant. He couldn’t get through one day without hitting me, throwing me across the room, criticizing me all the time. My sisters tried in vain to protect me. I was the sickly scapegoat. Ugh, I need a nap.
 
Made it through the weekend and a sub zero cold spell without spending money. Definitely not going to get on another waiting list for subsidized housing. HUD is corrupt just as is the labor department. I’m all too familiar with government corruption. I’ll let my lawyer advise me who I can trust. I feel so safe in my condo. One day at a time. Keep up with my business. My landlord at the office park pointed out to me that my rent was supposed to go up in 2016. Neither of us paid attention. At least he’s not going after two years worth of extra rent. Time to consider a price increase.
 
Today it occurred to me that I spend way too much time rehashing the past, or being yanked back to the past, or go numb so I don’t respond to the past, that I completely do not attend to the matters at hand. Like finances, for instance. Haven’t bought anything but food and gas. My daughter gave me a guest list for her shower. I want to give her a nice shower. She is not having any attendants so I offered her that I would do the shower. Uh oh. I don’t know the nature of bridal showers now so I asked my sons wife to help and she’s really excited to have it at her house. It will be April. I have to save money for her photographer and also the shower. Please, please clients come to your appointments, don’t cancel just because it’s f*cking cold out. I wonder how I could get an extension on my tax return. That way I could put it off til after the wedding and I can delay paying my accountant. I’ll email him tomorrow. So far so good.

So, living in the past and living unaware of the massive debt I’m in. Meanwhile, I have taken time to process the subsidized housing. Yes, it’s near the forest that I can’t take Annie too because it triggers me. I don’t want to live there, also the admission clerk was so rude about my disability and that is a danger sign. My health can be fatal if I have exposures to chemicals and pesticides. When I inquired about pesticide use and a no smoking policy, she was downright indignant. Danger. I have to keep working so I can afford my great little condo by the beach. Electric heat, no fumes. Quiet peaceful village close to Portland. I want to live here. I can honestly say that this is where I have been the most comfortable, despite a horrible woman upstairs. She needs to be in a prison locked up to protect society.

So try to get distance from the past. Unlikely. But I know I can develop strategies to keep my spending under control. Once the wedding is done.i told my at yesterday I feel like I’ve just come out of a fog. He told me I have said that many times over the years.
 
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find a place to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place”.
-Rumi
 
My Shaman wants to have a chat with my therapist. This should be interesting. I told them both they have my permission to discuss me. They are both very open minded and my therapist encourages me to have energy and non traditional healing practices. I’ve gotten a lot of healing from reiki, although it doesn’t stick for more than two weeks. I’m intrigued about what they may have discussed. My refusal to accept myself as a child. I keep her sliced off me because I just don’t know what else to do. I’m jealous of all the people on this forum that have figured out how to integrate their child-adult states.

I could really go for a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream and peanuts. I’d have to drive too far. All the ice cream stands are closed for the winter. All I have bought in the past week are nitrile gloves and disinfecting wipes for work. Every winter I manage to fend off the flu by using Simple infection control practices. If I have a client that comes in sick and coughing all over the place, i disinfect everything when they leave. Doorknobs, bathroom faucets, step stool, everything. The only failure was when my arm got pierced by a clients hair and it got infected. Glad to say, I can hardly see any sign of it. Also happy to say that he’s given up Electrolysis. He couldn’t cooperate with the system, so I knew he’d get discouraged.
 
The question, “Why do children suffer?” Has no answer, unless it’s simply, “To break our hearts.” Once our hearts get broken, they never fully heal. They always ache. But perhaps a broken heart is a more loving instrument. Perhaps only after our hearts have cracked wide open, have finally and totally unclenched, can we truly know love without boundaries.
——-Dr.Fred Epstein
 
Uh-oh...drama in the wedding crap. I’m paying for my daughters wedding shower and she keeps trying to micromanage it. I’ve asked my daughter in law and a friend of my daughters to advise me on how to host it. Well, my child is being critical just like she always is with me. She just puts me down all the time. I really don’t want there to be hurt feelings, and that includes me. From this point on, I’m keeping things to myself. It only took 2 months for her to give me a guest list. We have to book entertainment ASAP. Everything else can wait. All I know is she’ll find something to complain about, despite my efforts to please her.
 
She told me to stop dying my hair blue for the wedding. I only have a subtle clump of it colored. I hate being told what to do
 
Daughter has settled down. 2 of her friends have been helping me plan it. Well, 1 friend and my daughter in law. They have great ideas. Now I’m into it and excited to throw her a nice party. It’s going to be brunch and we’re having a sommelier coming to teach about sparkling wines. She’ll be there the whole time and then we’ll have a polo round camera and a scrapbook with black paper for snapshots of the guests plus I’ll get a white and a silver sharpie so People can write in the scrapbook. Then a recipe collection. I’ll put a recipe card in with the invitations and guests can bring her recipes. Then a jar with tongue depressors to write down date ideas. And a photo tree of her life. Lots of flowers and food and mimosas. The favors will be succulents potted in vintage teacups. Sounds like a nice party. I eloped. I tried to get her to do a Carribean wedding but she didn’t want to. My sons wedding was in Jamaica. It was so relaxing.

I’m slightly ill from not having any Xanax left and I can’t get my prescription filled till tomorrow. My ears are ringing it’s driving me nuts. Plus it’s a storm out and I’m not working and I don’t have any sleeping pills left and I’ve been awake since 1:30 this morning. I really have to stop overusing my meds. Every month is the same thing. I’ll have a bad day, overmedicate, regret because it doesn’t cure my problems and then I’m clawing out of my skin from benzo withdrawal. It’s horrible. Next month I am going to take my meds as directed. If I can’t sleep, tough shit. Withdrawal sucks. All I have is one Geodon to get me through noon tomorrow.

Annie wants out. I guess I’ll go out and clean off my car.
 
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