Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

I just don’t know how this porch issue is going to play out. Anything legal takes so long. I usually am on the losing side. I go between exhausted and highly anxious. I hate waiting. It leaves a hole in my brain that I fill up with negativity. Such a bad habit. Thursday I was so depressed I thought I needed to go into a psych ward. Emailed my t and got nothing all day. Ouch. Well couldn’t leave my dogs. And I have to work to pay the lawyer. I’ll just have to carry on. I’m eating so I won’t pass out. Ugh
I can’t decide whether or not to get a protection from harassment order against my neighbor who has been making me crazy for 4 years. Why don’t I stand up for myself? She’s such a bully and no one ever gives her any consequences. Well I want to wait to see what my lawyer writes to her. She’s been bullying me for years, gaslighting, cruel insidious. I never know what crazy will do next. I’m getting the papers at the court tomorrow. And then a friend is coming tomorrow night to go over it. If I thought she would stop harassing me I’d let her off. But I blocked her on my phone and email and I don’t talk to her. Just in limbo waiting for the lawyers work. Meanwhile she’s taking over my porch. Ugh. Thank god I have massage and reiki today.
I’m back in the emergency stage of recovery. Getting out of bed and going to work is almost impossible. Yesterday we had ice storm so I rescheduled my day. Basically all I do is get into bed and try to block my thoughts. I’m going crazy or I’m going to kill myself. It is so hard to care for the dogs. At least yesterday they didn’t want to walk any more than me not wanting to brave the icy roads. And it was just so cold. If this ordeal with my abusive neighbor doesn’t get resolved soon I’m looking for a new place but my credit score is very low thanks to shitty health insurance. Plus I think my t is just sick and tired of me falling apart again. My Shaman found my soul in Jamaica. Oh how I’d love to go get it. It’s so relaxing there. I’d run away there but it’s a poor country and not too safe unless you’re rich.
I’m just like I was when I had my first breakdown. It took forever to claw my way out. Do I even care to do the remembering that causes me so much pain
Now I am fantasizing about running away. To someplace warm and cheap, like Belize. They speak English there and I could set up my business there and/or teach reading. I’m so sick of dealing with my illness, my family including my children, and my friends just can’t relate. My t gave me the brush off last week, I saw my shrink today. He told me to move, I said no. He told me to reschedule my days that hadn’t slept all night. I make stupid decisions when I’m sleep deprived.
Still no word from the lawyer. Yesterday we were wTching a football game and my daughters dog lunged into the window growling and baring his teeth. The a hole from upstairs had snuck over to look inside my window. Good boy Harvey she jumped back three feet what a knob.!
My lawyer wrote a very impressive letter to my insane neighbor. She will not honor his findings I’m sure and I will end up having her served with a Protection order. I really hate to do that because it will be a criminal record that will follow her, but on the other hand, she needs to get off my property or get fined or go to jail. She is very abusive and never takes ownership of the harm she inflicts and she would never in a million years ever apologize for her behavior. I just want her to stay away from me, no talking, no more cyber bullying. Here’s the other problem with this situation. I let it go on for way too long. I mean 3 years. I do this. I never stand up for myself. I blame myself for the harm others have done to me. On some level I don’t believe that anyone would protect me anyway, so why bother. So this has to stop. If it means more lawyers, I’m going to hire them to deal with her. There is no talking rationally to her. All her actions take place when she can’t be seen, although my daughters dog was aware of her staring in my window. Ugh. The lawyer will mail her the letter so she won’t have it til next week. We are going to have a big storm here on Sunday. Ordinarily, I help her shovel out, but never more.
Why am I such easy prey? Why do sociopaths flock to me? It’s got to be connected to my child sexual abuse. The grooming, the pain, fear, shame. As much as I try to disown her, I am her years later with many more tales to tell. I must try to develop skills around self advocacy. I will be searching the web for advice on that. Do I think I don’t deserve kindness? I don’t know. Like I said, I’m easy prey.
I’m so glad to be feeling better. Going to commit to a regular meditation schedule. Also am determined to process my 12 year old part that hates me, or should I say i hate her? No I should learn to hate my rapist. My friend offered to dig up his body and shoot him in the head.
Coming in to see who’s doing well and who isn’t. The past year has been such a struggle. My landlord at my office turned into a monster trying to kick me out because someone was using plugins and my brain just went haywire. It took 5 months to resolve the issue. He was the one that told the cleaning gal to make sure there are plugins in the bathrooms. I really thought it was the end of my life. I lost a lot of my hearing from the exposure, but at least the tinnitus is gone. In April I fell and broke my shoulder a tore some ligaments. I was able to get some work done, then in Sept I fell again and my hand took all the impact. I was told my X-ray was normal, but my pain was off the charts. Went for a second opinion and that doc ordered an MRI. Two bones in my hand were crushed and my wrist ligaments tore. So I was put in a cast that went from my fingertips to my elbow. I was out of work for 5 weeks. So I got another opinion from a hand surgeon. He said my fractures were easily seen on my initial X-ray and that I shouldn’t have been casted. I start OT on Monday. I can’t play my guitar which is moot because I was so far behind with my bills I had to sell 2 of them.
Daughter has continued to be a major heartbreak. She hates me. When I broke my hand she went ballistic insulting me and don’t even think about getting help from her. The bond was severed ages ago and is a source of great sadness. She is very cruel. Her Dad taught her how to mistreat me. She’s due for baby number two in January. I’m not going to offer any help. She insults everything I do and is ungrateful. Yet that maternal part of me is so sad. I’m not kidding, she can’t stand to be near me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. She’s got PTSD and I trigger her.
I’ve been cutting so I think I should reach out for support because my suicidal ideation has come back.I will not miss 2021 at all. My clients were so wonderful to me and supported me emotionally. The only cool thing that came my way. I have a 2020 Subaru. It has very low mileage and they want my car and offered to trade it for an upgraded model. My finances are a mess from being out of work, but the bank is trying to help me get a home equity loan to consolidate my debt. They pulled my credit report and said I need to get current with my mortgage. I said don’t worry it’s all going to be paid off as soon as I can get a closing date.
I always seem to land on my feet. My biggest hurdle is going into dissociation and I lose any sense of self. Average life expectancy for a woman in the US is 60 due to heart disease from constant stress. I live in New England and we’re the only part of America that’s not getting wiped out by tornados and wildfires and flooding.
It's heartbreaking that these children have been poisoned against the other parent. The damage done to them is impossible to quantify. Yet in today's social environment, it seems rage and contempt are 'the thing'. I can't do rage. I can't do contempt. I am lucky to have found a tribe of people that have no interest in bullying or attacking others. My heart aches for the losses you and your daughter have sustained through all of this, @KwanYingirl . I am certain you are a wonderful mother and would have stood on any hill for your daughter.

Perhaps once the dust settles through all of this covid stuff, people will pivot and recognize the incredible losses to our families and relationships and realize that we all need each other. Warm wishes for a better 2022. Thank you for logging on and letting us know how you are.