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Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

Argghhh my ears are ringing it’s driving me nuts. This is what I get for f*cking around with my meds. 17 more hours til I can pick up my prescription. Stop overusing your meds KYG.

Have not spent money but in had a credit at Zappos so I ordered boiled wool slippers for my office. I need something to change into when it’s snow covered.
 
I know that there is no one on this site that can understand what life with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity is like. I am at the complete mercy of a society that puts synthetic, toxic fragrances in virtually everything. Advertising that seduces the public into thinking they are failures if they don’t buy into the use of scented everything. I was rendered so damaged by the overexposure to darkroom chemicals at work that I am basically a shut in. Everything I buy or use I have to research. I have to beg my clients not to use scented laundry products or perfume. Even makeup has perfume in it. And most of my clients ignore my needs, a few passive aggressive ones just use twice what they used to. Then they pick up my dog and pollute her and all I can do is try to breathe despite the onslaught.

I’m smart, I have skills, I should be making an above average income. But I can’t work in a building that has central heating and ventilation because the carbonless paper in the office down the hall will poison my space and I won’t be able to breathe. Not to mention all the people saturated with fragrances on their clothes or cigerrette poisons all over their body especially the hair. No copy machines, no cleaning fluids that smell like I don’t know what but they make me puke. It never f*cking ends and I’ll never be cured. Today I want to be dead. I live in the most f*cking polluted country in the world. America doesn’t give a shit about the health and welfare of its citizens. Socialized countries do. England sued Johnson and Johnson because so many healthcare workers were poisoned by the same chemical I was. What does America do? Deny deny deny. Accuse us of looking for secondary gain and in cases like mine where there is a trauma history, the annihilate you with it. OSHA nails hospitals when they find the contaminationbut the labor department ALWAYS sides with the hospitals. OSHA finally banned the chemical and now there are safe alternatives.

You know how you get triggered when exposed to a reminder of your trauma? Try to breathe on a daily basis. Just try to survive driving behind a diesel vehicle. Need an operation? Tough shit because the sheets and gowns are washed with toxic detergent, the air supply spreads off gassing paints and rugs and office supplies. Never mind surviving anesthesia. Chemotherapeutic? No way sorry. Today I am weary of this life. I have to be proud that I searched and searched for an office space with electric heat and no shared air. Safe except the fumes my clients attack me with. My dog absorbs it and I can’t touch her until I get her home and bathed in fragrance free dog shampoo. Earthbath by the way Amazon carries it. So many products mislead the public by saying the product is good for sensitive skin, but if the word “fragrance” is listed as an ingredient it is 100% synthetic. Today I just want to die. My body is so full of toxins from all the snowplows and cold. No fresh air w crept on the beach unless someone lights up a cigarette.

And my beloved and only daughter who has been so supportive of me. Literally the ONLY person in my world that lives her life according to my air quality needs. And she’s having her wedding in the woods and wrote “fragrance free” on her invitations. How awesome is that? And I want her to have a unique and meaningful bridal shower but I can’t afford because I so often have to escape my office when someone comes in and f*cking contaminates it. The shower will happen but not like I dream it could be. She has been so good to me for the past 20 years. The only family member that asked to learn about PTSD from my therapist. An environmental activist that volunteers at dog shelters since she was 15. She is what we all should emulate. She is funny and humble and loving and kind and when she was born and looked at me, I knew the world would be a better place for her. She formed a committee at the hospital she works in to research safer chemicals to use to sterilize equipment. She walks the walk. And I want to honor her. And support her and I can’t. I feel like a total failure. I should have quit my job when they ignored my doctors letters that I was being exposed to too high a level of gluteraldehyde. They did nothing but make me more sick. I should’ve quit. I never imagined I wouldn’t heal. I hate America. Today I want to die. I am sick I had too much fumes over the last 3 days. Losing business because of the flu epidemic. I get no paid sick days or paid vacation or health insurance or pension. I’m holed up in my office trying to matter. And I don’t.
 
Left elbow swelled up 3 days ago.finally went to my doc yesterday. Long story short, I’ve been playing too much guitar in a new position and as usual, it’s because I don’t do anything in moderation. Nothing. My instructor said to do scales for 15 minutes, then switch to strumming for 15 minutes twice a day. So what do I do? An hour of scales until I can’t move my fingers because the tendon in my arm is inflamed. So I takeAdvil and the pain goes away and I’m right back at scales. Now, no more guitar at all til occupational therapist clears me.
I had a dream last night that I started a garden and planted seeds and plants everywhere that the people in my dream weren’t sitting on. And I kept going to the garden center to buy more. Then I got mad because I didn’t want anyone encroaching on my seedbeds.
Come me to Jesus, come to Buddha. Give away your power to control your life. Close your eyes and let go. Pray, meditate, no that’s just too much quiet in my brain. I am outwardly so laid back, but it’s an illusion to keep people away from seeing how much chaos is in my body and soul. Planning my daughters bridal shower. My car is now filled up with decor I’ve bought for it. So this weekend I’m sending stuff back.
I have an undercurrent if anxiety that is probably going to take 10 years off my life. I decided to come clean with my t and wrote out all my phobias. I said, I want to get rid of my anxiety. I found a website for do it yourself anxiety relief and it just ended up being overly upsetting. So no more of that outside of therapy. I just can’t be trusted to dial it back and take time to practice grounding, of practicing being mindful. These racing thoughts are exhausting.
 
I am missing my friend so much. I read a previous diary entry where I was at the end of my rope with my chemical sensitivity. How an exposure ruins sometimes a week of my life. So sick I want to die. I have chronic SI. I know Karen did too. I’ll be able to find out the cause of her death next Friday. I hope it will give me some clarity. Everything I do, I see her and wish she was here. I finally got out of bed and went to see a movie with a friend. Two friends check in, we don’t talk about Karen. They want me to get back to work. I worked this morning. My clients have given me tips because they know I’m heartbroken and can’t work very much. It’s the small kindnesses that let me know People care about my well being. Not one of my siblings has even responded to the news never mind offering concern or care.
Most of my life I didn’t feel worthy of receiving comfort. All my therapy and hard work has allowed me to be open to expressions of care. It feels good to be comforted.

I thought I was not worth anything and just stopped dreaming of things. When you are four years old and want to die-what does that say about my parents. They loved humiliating me around the dinner table. Then if I cried, I’d get sent to the kitchen to eat my food. After years of that I just stopped eating. I was so frail I passed out. Nobody cared if I wasn’t at the table. I didn’t go to school for three months in High School and my parents never got me a tutor. Clearly, I was depressed. When I went back to school that’s when my love affair with drugs started. I don’t know how I survived. I ignored my childhood friends and started hanging out with the druggies. My parents didn’t care what I was doing. Don’t you think if you had a child that wouldn’t eat or go to school you’d get them help? But everything with my family was a scam.

I wish Karen didn’t die. She was the best friend I had. I let the gluteraldehyde affected online support group know about Karen. I hadn’t been a member for over ten years, but there are still the same people on it. Everyone is so sad, but welcomed me back and offered me the chance to vent.
 
I’ve never lost a friend to death before. So I don’t know how I’m doing. I’ll have therapy and psychdoc today as well as Reiki tonight. I see Karen in everything. I had an adjustment yesterday. Every joint in my body aches. I just glanced at a drawing of the spine on the wall and just started sobbing. I don’t know what about that triggered me. I am making stupid mistakes at work. So far, I’ve had to cancel clients every day. I had a woman that comes for her brows, lip and sides of face. I thought I was done and she said, you forgot to do my right eye and my lip. She knew I was struggling and she was concerned that I wasn’t my usual focused self. Then she gave me a $20 tip!! She’s not the only one that’s been giving me money. It’s like they can’t make me well, but they want me to spoil myself. The money helps because I’ve not been working up to capacity. And my daughters wedding is looming and I need money for her shower. I am eating though which makes it possible for my body to assimilate my Geodon. I slept fairly well last night.
 
f*ck, f*ck I can’t stand this. Yesterday was a good day. But as f*cking usual I only slept til 2am. So I just rest quietly, check e-mail, come here, wait for time to go to work and then SPLAT I am unreal. I am hallucinating I feel like ants are eating through my skin. I’m scared. I miss being dissociative. It served me well. Now what the f*ck do I do? Cancel my clients don’t have one of their phone numbers and she’s a therapist. I feel bad she’ll get there and I won’t be there. My vision and perception is all off. No way can I drive. I’ll give her a month of free treatments. That’s a generous amount of money. Never have I had so much trouble functioning. Karen, get a message to me goddamnit. Where are you? Did the pain end when you died? How long do I have to wait for you to find me? I need to know you’re ok. I miss you. I can’t handle Tina and Carole’s Jesus talk. Please come back. Please. I’m not real. I feel like I dropped acid. 18 hours of hallucinating it used to be fun but now it scares me. I’m going back to bed. Please come soon I need to talk to you. I want to write the book of your life and death. I miss you.
 
Hey Karen, I met your sister today. She asked me to call her, so I did. I never doubted you when you complained about her, and I sure know now that she is self absorbed. I’m sorry Jim has another cancer. I didn’t know. And he was the last person to talk to you. I’m glad he could be there with you. She was obviously annoyed that she had to try to find your friends to tell them you died. You and I with our piles of things around the house and nothing’s where it belongs. Our address books don’t make sense except to us. Always moving around to get fresh air. All the anxiety. Every time she pointed out a characteristic that bugged her, I defended you. Over and over. And so jealous of your Moms devotion to you. She’s missing you so much. We are all so shocked that you died. To me you were the light in the sky, never asking, always giving. We deserved families that helped us up. Instead they call us names, put us down, no empathy whatsoever. I decided to spend a few weeks without therapy. I want to be alone with my thoughts. Hang out in here at times. Not judged. It may be time to let him go. Too many bad smells in his building and office. It’s not like a miracle will occur and I can stand fumes. We know that won’t happen. But all the potential new therapists said their office would not work with my MCS. And they called themselves trauma therapists. f*ck them. You didn’t tell me how severe your shortness of breath was. Why didn’t you use your inhaler. Why didn’t you talk to Dr. Harrison? Tina said he was devestated to hear you died. Never mind your family, we all understood you. I don’t understand why you didn’t use your inhaler. I need to talk to you. I overused my meds again and I may have to go through withdrawal f*cking blizzard today and all my doctors offices were closed. New shrink. I told him I overused. He didn’t get mad, but I don’t know if I can get him to give me 2 days of meds to last me til I can get my refills. And work is so busy and I can’t stop wishing you were alive. So I talked to Bill today and I’m getting a tattoo to honor you. Shamrock of course!!! I’m going to make it a posey. A posey is the Victorian word for bouquet. The important thing is that each flower has a meaning. Jasmine means unconditional love, coral rose means friendship to name 2. Miss you. Thanks for Patty Griffin. I was supposed to see Lyle Lovett and Shawn Colvin at Stone Mountain but we had a blizzard and it got canceled. Three blizzards in two weeks. At least it’s so windy it’s blowing all the snow off the car.
 
Your sister sent me a box of mementos of you. So thoughtful and kind. She gave me your elves!! I will carry on your adventures with them, posing them around SF and posting the pix. Always made me smile! Reiki brought you into the room again, but I still can’t feel you. I’m sorry. Please keep showing up. Patti sent me your sequin clutch. Shall I use it at Kelsey’s wedding? In the woods!!! How elegant. She also sent me your super duper respirator. It looks expensive maybe I’ll take it to my t and see how that goes. Joke. She also sent flowers from your service and the prayer cards. Don’t worry, they’re not catholic. They changed some lyrics to a JT song you would love that. My living room is full of things for Kelsey’s shower. She told me she’s bombing the wedding site for mosquitos. I am dreading this. Last time that happened I was in the hospital. Remember that? I’m glad you are happy now. And pain free. You are probably rockin’ the Whole place. I’m going to journey to upper world tonight. Maybe I’ll see you there. You won’t look like you, but my heart will know. Namaste friend.
 
I ordered $300 of pots from Birch Lane. And a beautiful duvet cover. I didn’t order them. I have a plan for my container plantings. I have some unique caladium bulbs coming. My plant area is the north side. Almost zero sun there. Last year I started using foliage color instead of trying to get annual flowers to bloom. And I’m going to plant succulents in honor of Karen. I have 40 vintage teacups that I got from Goodwill that I’m going to plant succulents in for the favors at my daughters shower. I ordered the plants from Amazon. Lord only knows if they’ll be healthy, but the price was half of other growers online. I’ll have them for almost a month so I can love them back to life. Really though, it’s hard to kill a succulent unless they freeze. Then I’ll take my bigger planters to my office building and grow flowers in them. I’m going to plant one with zinnias and celosia. Then I can take the cost off my rent.
 
Succulents made it across country in great shape. Now I have to get them calmed down. I had a reaction to something and I thought shit, maybe there’s pesticide residue on the plants. I called the grower and they assured me they don’t spray them with pesticides because they kill succulents. So who knows what else I got into. Ordered a CFL grow light since the plants will be on my kitchen table til April 20. My house looks like a hoarder lives there. There are piles all over the place. Most are decorations and gifts for the shower. The succulents and tea cups cover my table and my clothes are in a pile at the foot of my bed. I noticed the snow has been melting well this week.
Waiting to see a new shrink. Forgot to bring my medical records from Boston re: my chemical injury. I found the pics of the contamination. If she makes any connection with me regarding my brain problems from that exposure, it’ll be the first.
All I want is more Xanax. I don’t have enough to last 4 hours so I never take one in the morning. I struggle with waking into a panic mode. Annie’s with me. Someone else came in with a dog and he turned visious. I hear him still barking outside. Annie is so calm, she just lays on my lap.
 
PTSD. The gift that keeps on giving. Good days, bad days. Awoke with a panic that I just don’t know how I’m going to survive my daughters wedding. 150 people. I asked her please don’t make me do the mother in law/son in law dance. The thought of all those eyes on me has me full of dread. What is the trigger? I guess being stared at, being photographed, bad memories. I’m going to have to talk to my t about this persistent memory. I swear I don’t know if I even survived it. Maybe I’m in an alternate reality. Maybe I am dead. How can Karen be dead? It just doesn’t make sense. I dreamed about her last night. My relationship to her keeps changing. This must be the grief process. I just can’t imagine that she’s ash at the bottom of the ocean. How does the ocean feel about so many ashes get tossed into it. Just a very emotional time right now. So much worry about pesticides and perfumes.
Started tanning last week. It elevates my mood. I’m starting therapy for the second time for my arm. My ergonomics at work have gotten lousy I think I need new glasses. I’m leaning in too far and it’s messing up my neck and shoulder. I hate having to find time to go to the medical center. Nothing flows. I loved working in medicine. Now I see it with different eyes. So much paperwork. Time to get up and get going.
 
Hey Karen. Missing you so much. Driving to PA, sleeping in musty bunk bed. It all add d up over 4 days. Should’ve flown. Wanted there to be a close connection to a Kelsey. Didn’t happen. Feeling humiliated. Hey everybody look at KYG she’s a fool. I guess she took awhile to think about what PTSD is and what to expect and decided it wasn’t worth the energy. Of course you have to show society that you have a mother but you don’t have to give her a thought. So disappointed. Just so disappointed. Cannot trust my feelings with her. She pretends to be supportive until it’s time to actually be supportive and then she throws me under the bus. Planned a 5 day wedding but didn’t tell me. Hello, please just go away. My thoughts exactly. Will probably have to call her when my mother dies. Other than that, I don’t see the point in pretending that we are related. Man, I bet she was hoping I’d get sick and have to stay home. Travel can do that to us. You are so lucky to be rid of your family and the lack of support. Your sister posted your house andbit was completely empty. I got a tattoo for you. You won’t disappear from me, ever. The shamrock is slightly infected. They put makeup on me for the wedding. It was all safe and I took fragrance free hair spray. I looked beautiful all done up. But seriously, can you see me bothering to makeup my face every day? Not.
 
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